My little love muffin is 9 months old today. The time has flown by so fast and I'm glad I've been enjoying every second of it (so far). I wouldn't be surprised if she started walking tonight when I get home just because she seems to know every week and month to do something new and exciting to devastate her mom and dad into realizing she's no longer our little newborn :(
I'm so madly in love with Emily. I miss her every day now that I'm working full time. It's nice to do something other than just be around kids all day but I do miss getting stuff done around the house, the lack of stress I felt and the extra sleep I could sneak in :)
I just don't understand how other families do this day in and day out with no end in the near future. If I think about the fact that I still have 18 years before Emily will move out and me and James will finally be alone I think, shit, I won't want to be alone then. What am I going to do at almost 50!? Hopefully James and I will still be up for some fun when they're adults.
My biggest fear of having a baby and being pregnant was not knowing what to expect. Day to day I had no idea what was happening to my body and every day I worry about what will happen to Emily but so far I've gone 9 months with nothing major happening and I feel like once I hit the 1 year mark, I'll be able to breath a little. I remember being around Jamesy when he was a little over a year old and nothing happened that I couldn't handle from that point until now so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky with Emily as I've been with him. Kids stress me out!! I'm paranoid she's going to puke, choke, cry, hurt herself or worse 24/7. I feel like I need to be sedated just to get by each day with out having a panic attack worrying about all the "what ifs". I was really hoping that would have subsided after the pregnancy but now I just worry about other things.
So far James and I are on schedule to have little Ms. Em walking by 10 months. She's so close to being ready. She'll completely stand on her own, one hand supporting her. She'll go to a sitting position from standing and vice versa very easily and quickly now. She just learned to shake her head "no". It's so stinking cute!!! She doesn't know she's saying no obviously but she just shakes her head side to side. The kids and I just laugh and laugh at all the funny cute things she does.
Speaking of the kids, they are so wonderful. I'm so so lucky to have them here enjoying having a baby sister and having Emily enjoy them. She just wants to be wherever her sister is. She crawls to Joli's room ALL the time and wants to watch them play together or watch TV or play video games. She loves to hear them read and gets so giddy the minute she sees her sister or brother. She just adores them and they seem to adore her too. I feel so lucky to have them because they are a huge help when I need to switch over laundry or take a shower. Any time they'll watch Emily for me while I do other things around the house. They help pick out her clothes, help me bath her and get diapers, wipes, food, etc. whenever we ask them to. Jamesy said he's going to teach Emily how to swim, play kickball, brush her teeth without swallowing toothpaste and how to do math. He's so adorable!! And he promised his Dad that he would keep boys away from her when she gets older :)
Of course with all the love and excitement I have over being with Emily, there's the typical downside of being a mother. I constantly feel "left out" to a certain extent of just life in general. I miss being able to run to the store or get a pedicure or do anything quite frankly without having to plan three peoples schedules just to make it happen. As much as I like getting out of the house with the kids, I hate it because it's always harder to take care of a baby somewhere away from home. If she's tired, where will she sleep? If she needs to eat, where will I stop to feed her? Is there a bathroom close by in case she poops or the kids have to go? Does it have a baby changing table!!?? Will the massive stroller fit? It just goes on and on. I miss my time alone sometimes. I miss being able to come home to a quiet, empty house and just doing whatever I want to do. I know that's part of being a mom but it doesn't make it any easier. I see now why they say stay at home moms are some of the most depressed lonely people. I quickly miss adult interaction when I've been with the kids by myself for too long. I get irritated with constantly having people who need me all the time. I don't get "Hey Diana, what can I do for you today?" I get "Diana, I need...." "Diyaya, what's for dinner???" "why is there no clean laundry" "why are the dishes dirty" "Where are my parts" "Did you sell this job, make an appt.?" "Did you do this, do that, etc" It just goes on and on. I'm tempted to start saving for one of those celebrity rehab centers where they go when they're suffering from "exhaustion". I'm at such a low point feeling so worn down, that I don't even think a few hours or day away would revive me enough to keep going. I need a week off. Preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and lots of frozen drinks :)
We are going to a wedding next week in LA for one of James' cousins and Joli gets to be the flower girl. She is so so excited and I'm excited for her and for James' cousin, but all I can think about it having to travel with a baby. Having to shack up in a hotel room with a baby. Trying to find a place to make her bottles and change her diapers and feed her jars of food away from home where it's so convenient and easy. How will the five of us sleep in a hotel room with one bathroom?? I think this is going to be WAY more stressful than fun. James seems to think it's a piece of cake to have a baby anywhere so hopefully he'll be hands on Dad this trip so I can enjoy 5 minutes of it :) And that last statement upsets me....I say things like that and then immediately think it's so selfish of me. I have a baby, I have to learn to buck up and get over it and come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer mine alone and it won't ever be again. And then I beat myself up for feeling that way because somewhere inside I believe that it's okay for me to feel that way and for me to want breaks or need some time off. It's like being at a constant tug of war with my feelings. Nothing I feel is okay to feel and then I get depressed because I still feel that way regardless if it's right or wrong.
But at the end of the day, I'm very happy and I can't complain. I love love my little girl and my beautiful step kids. The three of them are the reason why I am half way decent of a person and why I work so hard. I can't wait to keep seeing how the three of them grow up and see who they'll become and what they'll do with their lives. I just hope I don't fuck them up too much along the way :)
Love, Diana
