I feel like yesterday I found out I was pregnant and here it is, Emily is almost a year old. This time last year I was getting ready for my last day at work before maternity leave and finishing up stuff for Emily's room and now I'm planning her 1st birthday party. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. If I take the time to think about everything going on I panic. I have to keep my mind on one day at a time thinking or I'd probably explode from the overwhelm.
I feel like before I had Emily, I used to think a lot about the what ifs. What if me and James never got back together, what if I stayed in the mortgage industry or stayed in Orange County when I was in my mid 20's. But now I never think about that. I immediately panic that any other scenario would mean that Emily would not be here and that's just not fathomable. I can't imagine having my daughter with anyone else but James and I couldn't imagine a world where I didn't have Joli or Jamesy either. Emily has made me love life so much more than I ever did before. I try to explain it to my friends who don't have kids (yet) but it's so hard to put in words what having a child does for you and your life, in a good way! I feel so much less insecure. It's like now I know I have a purpose and what that purpose is. It's to be Emily's mom and nothing else on this planet matters more than that. As long as her and I are together we could live in a cardboard box or a mansion and I wouldn't notice or care either way. It's almost like having bad eye sight for your whole life where colors are just blurred together and you can't really tell the difference between black and purple and all of a sudden you have a baby and the colors are so much clearer. You can see every shade of black and purple. It's like a light bulb that gets brighter as soon as you have that baby. The whole world makes sense.
By the way, I've been writing this post for 3 days now. I keep getting interrupted at work and side tracked and if I'm lucky this post will be published before Emily's first birthday!
There's so much going on but I don't even know where to start so I'll just document what the little munch has been up to. She's almost walking. I mean, she can walk, she just won't do it very often. We've seen her take up to 7 steps at one time but can never get her to duplicate it so there's still no photographic evidence that she can walk. She loves to wave and say "bye" all the time, even if people aren't going anywhere. She's saying Momma a lot lately which I love!! And she's been a lot more affectionate with the family. She does get shy sometimes and will hide her head in my shoulder which I think is just adorable!! She'll give open mouth kisses. She puts her arms up way high in the air over her head when she wants to be picked up, which is often! haha She's still so happy all of the time. She sleeps through the night still which is amazing and so much appreciated. She really is an easy easy baby. The only gripe I would have is that she eats non stop. Like literally will continue to stuff her face if you keep putting food in front of it. Right now I don't even think she chews her food. She just stuffs it in and swallows and waits for the next bite! So far she hasn't choked but I'm guessing it's bound to happen if she doesn't slow her roll. She eats more than anyone in the house does and she only weighs 20 lbs!!
I still miss her while I'm working. I love my job and I'm glad I'm not a stay at home mom but some days are harder than others to leave her with her sitter. Like today for instance, I would give anything to be at home playing with her on the floor by ourselves all day. We don't get to do that often, if at all and I'm scared I'm going to regret not being with her more when she's older. Part of me is so excited and anxious to see what kind of little girl she'll grow into and the other part of me just wants her to stay a baby forever. I love babies! I love changing diapers and making bottles. I love being needed and caring for someone whose so cute and tiny. I see why people have multiple children, especially when the baby grows into a toddler. I'm not such a fan of older kids. hahaha
Life is still pretty overwhelming. If I take the time to stop and think about everything going on, I'll make myself crazy. I just keep trying to go day to day and minute to minute to keep the stress and anxiety at bay. But I can't complain. I love my kids, I love James and my family and friends. We have a great support system. We're all happy and healthy and that's all that matters.
- Diana
