Holy hell!!!! To say I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired and depressed is a complete understatement. I hope no "moms-to-be" read this entry because I'm about to unleash a whole mess of why being a parent fucking sucks. Yes, I said it, it FUCKING SUCKS!!!!
I don't want to do it anymore....I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to do laundry anymore, I don't want to pick up and drop off kids, change diapers, give baths, listen to "mommy mommy mommy" over and over and fucking over again!!! I have zero privacy and absolutely no alone time. I can't even hear myself think 90% of the time because there's always some fucker in my ear whether it be at work or home. UGH!
I need a break so bad....so bad that I can actually see myself fleeing the country. James is not on the same page as me what so ever so I just drive him nuts with my begging for a break. I'm so annoyed with everyone at this point that just hearing a familiar voice is like finger nails on a chalkboard. I don't just need a day off or a massage or pedicure break. I need a fucking month off. I need to not be needed or wanted by anyone for an extended amount of time. I feel myself cracking and I feel like I'm yelling out for help and no one hears me (or cares, I'm not sure which). The worse part is the people I need to give me a break are at their breaking points too and in no position to offer any assistance.
Emily is cute, she's smart, she's amazing, she's the love of my life, but cheese and rice she doesn't go away for five fucking minutes!!! She's always there and always talking and asking for food or a bottle or to play with her. ALL THE FUCKING TIME! On top of that, Joli and James have no idea of the stress I'm under so they just keep talking and talking even if it's while Emily is yelling Mommy and Mommy over and over. Lately I just feel like it's a matter of days, if not, hours before I completely break. Before I end up running my car into the capital building to get a release. I don't know why I'm so agitated or emotional lately. I know all these phases will be short lived and "before I know it the kids will be older and moved out" blah blah blah but I'm tired of hearing that bullshit.
I literally feel like I'm invisible. Like I'm screaming and yelling and having a breakdown in front of people but no one is seeing me or hearing me. Everyone's just staring like "who's that crazy bitch in the corner"? All the while, expecting or waiting for me to do my next "chore". That's great that you're not feeling it lately, but can you help with dinner? Or that's too bad that you're feeling overwhelmed but can you go ahead and do X, Y and Z for me?
Emily, Joli and James better appreciate the shit out of us when they're older. Being a parent to small children is like being held hostage by a terrorist. And not a like minded, rational terrorist, but like Osama Bin Laden's sidekick terrorist. I can't take a shit or change my clothes unless Emily allows it first.
I really can't remember a time where I've felt so hopeless and frustrated. It's an uphill battle every morning just to get out of bed. I feel like I'm suffering from postpartum times 10....by the by it's taken me over 2 hours just to write this much because I keep getting interrupted. I fear for the next person who stops me from writing as they may not make it out of my office alive.
Part of me feels like I need to add stuff about Emily and how she's doing and what she's doing but the other part of me just doesn't feel like it. I'm just not in the mood to celebrate my daughter right now. I need a "me" break to just bitch and vent and hopefully that's all this is. Maybe I'll feel better once this is off my chest.....who am I kidding? I won't feel better til 9pm tonight when the kids are all in bed, I'm half tanked and can finally take a deep breath for the short lived break I'll get before passing out and waking up tomorrow to do it all over again....
