Well...my last entry was a hard one. It was not only hard to write, but also hard to be feeling those emotions. I am completely open and honest maybe to a fault, but it is who I am and I will make no apologies for it. I feel like we (we=mommies/women) should encourage open discussion on the realities of motherhood. For so long women have been expected to provide perfect little children with not so much as a tear in the process. We're not allowed to tell the truth and I call bullshit.
James randomly had an urge to read the last entry, and only the last entry, as he's never read my blog before. He was not very pleased to say the least but I made no apologies to him either. I'm not going to write a blog to constantly convey how amazing motherhood is. I feel like I have enough posts boasting about my daughter to be "allowed" to have a few where I want to crawl in a hole and die. I can say this for a few reasons. One being, I know he'll never read another post and two, being a father and mother are two totally different experiences. It shows how society has changed and is still conflicted on the roles of a father vs. the roles of a mother. I love James. He's an amazing partner, provider and father but he still thinks it's 1950. I will never be the perfect housewife, the calm and patient mother or even the amazing employee who can run circles around my office. I have and continue to spend too much of precious precious time trying and failing to perfect these three roles. I have exhausted all my abilities and knowledge to try and juggle or figure out what it takes to juggle this idea of perfection. And quite frankly, it's run me down. But I will not allow myself to feel guilty anymore. So what if I only wash our bed sheets once every two months instead of once every two weeks. So what if laundry piles up til there's no more clean socks or towels. And so what if I let Emily go to bed in her clothes instead of changing her into pajamas every night. I refuse to give into this idea of perfection. It's thrown upon women left and right. Not only are we now required to keep a perfect home and perfect children and do it with a smile on our face 24/7 but now we have to work full time jobs on top of it. So I'm learning (slowly) that I need to come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to do my job like I once was able to do and that I can no longer stay on top of the laundry and dishes like I once did. And as long as I'm happy and healthy and my family is happy and healthy, I don't see a problem with that.
But back to the nugget who is the subject of this series. Emily. She is starting to say SO much!! Full sentences and repeating words (I learned the hard way after she repeated "damn it" a couple of times). She can very clearly sing most of the ABC's. She loves to dance and be tickled. She makes the most theatrical faces I've ever seen on a child and it just cracks me up. We spend lots of quiet moments just making faces at each other and laughing. She's learning to put on her socks and shoes. She loves to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and will yell out words Mickey says to repeat. As soon as we walk in the door she'll run and hand me the remote control to turn on Mickey.
One day when we were driving in the car she said "I have an idea" and rubbed her chin like people do when pondering something important. James and I died laughing it was too funny. She'll walk up to me with a comb or hairbrush and try to comb my hair. She'll grab a phone and put it up to her ear and say "Hello Daddy" "Okay" and "Bye" while standing with one hand on her hip. She's definitely going to be very outgoing and the center of attention with her friends. I can see it already!
No matter how difficult it is at times, I'm beyond obsessed with her. She hugs me tight, calls me Mommy and will tell me she loves me if I tell her first. Now when I drop her off at daycare she holds me tight saying she wants to stay home with me and when I come to pick her up she runs to me yelling "mommy" and jumps into my arms. There is no feeling on this earth that is better than that. Having her hold onto me and being able to show her love is the greatest thing ever.
I know that one day Emily will read all of these posts. The good, the bad and the indifferent. But regardless of what the words on the paper read, she will always know her mother loves her, nourishes her and encourages her. And that's all she'll ever need.
- Diana
