I love my daughter, I really do. I tell myself this every single minute of every single day. But God, 2 is the worse age ever! Every single second of the day she has a different emotion. Happy, sad, mad, crying, laughing, running, laying, throwing things, hugging, kissing, screaming, hitting. Trying to figure out what she wants and how to calm her and get her to listen to me is near impossible. And I can understand mood shifts. I'm a woman (1) and have been on anti-depressants (2) and I'm a woman! (3) so I get it! But I can't tell you how I quietly I tread on those egg shells to try to keep her happy, which in return keeps me happy.
When we have good days, they're GREAT days. I'm all smiles and just so happy and in love and can't see a bad day in sight. Our very best days and happiest moments for me are when we have no plans
and I can just sit on the couch with her and watch her favorite
cartoons on repeat. I love the few moments when she climbs onto my lap and lets me play with her hair or rub her back. When she's content, there's no
word to describe the feeling. I'm relaxed, loving and hopeful. Then when we have a bad day, I feel like it's going to be like that for the rest of my life and I get stressed out and irritated. Just the other night I had a breakdown and James hugged me while I cried in the kitchen and promised me it was just her age and it would change and that we would get through it. But in the moment, when you're desperately telling (or yelling) for her to come sit and eat dinner and she refuses while giggling and running in circles, I think she'll never do a thing I ask in her life. And I wonder if it's socially acceptable to spank her when she's 15 years old refusing to clean her room/do homework/etc.
Aside from the normal grievances of living with a toddler, I feel confident. I may not be the best parent but I keep her clothed, clean, fed and out of harms way so I can't be doing all that bad. It would be nice if she was old and mature enough to turn to me and say "Mom, you're kinda alright" just to give me some form of reassurance. I said this to a friend the other day and they said "don't hold your breath, it probably won't happen til she's in her 30's" :/
I'm seriously considering getting her into some sort of acting gig. She has the biggest personality, has an overreaction to every single event (can't imagine where she got that from!) and she could be our cash cow. Maybe I should start videotaping and posting them to YouTube til she gets noticed by Ellen DeGeneres. That seems to be how it works these days. She's starting to learn that the kids go to school every day while she goes to daycare. I bring her in to the kids' daycare center with their backpacks so she can see how it works. She still doesn't get that every kid has their own mommy and seems to think of me as this blanket mom to every kid that she has to be territorial over. It's kinda cute, but I doubt any of the other kids are jealous of this kid. She'll be lucky if she makes it out alive, let alone feeling like screaming to the world "THIS IS MY MOMMY NOT YOURS!" I do love her kisses though. Sometimes she'll randomly come over to me and ask me for a kiss. Or she'll grab my face in her little hands and nuzzle my nose. Those are the moments where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Two seconds later when she's screaming for me to turn on the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or demanding cereal or a snack, I wonder where this little terrorist gets her set of balls from. Where did she learn along the short two years she's been here to talk like that to ME! If it was anyone else I would tell them to go fuck themselves, but Emily just has this spell over me.
Potty training is on the horizon. I can see it almost clearly. She'll constantly tell you right away after she pees or poops to get a new diaper and sometimes she'll ask to sit on her little potty but she still refuses to actually use it. I'm worried about the whole dynamic of having a potty trained child. Does this mean no more crib so she can get up on her own to use the bathroom? Does this mean I have to constantly be paranoid everytime I leave the house that she's going to pee in public? And most importantly, if I switch her to a toddler bed, will I start losing sleep? I can picture her breaking into our room at crazy hours throughout the night and morning telling us to wake up. I like the idea of having control on when she can and can't get out of bed. Maybe I'll wait another month or two to make any rash decisions. I mean, changing diapers isn't all that bad....
Recently, I've had to start getting the kids up earlier to have them dress, eat and brush hair and teeth before school at our house. This has been a challenge of it's own, but it's even more so because now Emily wants to copy everything they do. When she hears them getting ready she starts yelling for me to get her down. Then she wants to sit and eat cereal just like they do and put on her shoes and jacket just like they do. It's super adorable, don't get me wrong. It just leaves me with little to no time to get ready myself and I definitely look the worse when leaving the house. Yesterday I couldn't even remember if I had put on deodorant or perfume and since I have a 365 day cold (thanks to daycare germs) I can't smell anything.
The great news is I started taking one day a week for some "me" time. Every Wednesday night I go to a yoga class in town and leave James with the three kids. All to cook for and bath while I go namaste for an hour and a half. Part of me feels endlessly guilty about it but the other part knows that this is vital to me staying sane. I don't think I'll ever understand how families do it. How people make it out alive after raising children. Sometimes it's the greatest thing ever and I love that I'm a mom and (soon to be) wife. Other days.....well other days I'm just glad alcohol exists :)
Love,
Diana
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
My baby is 2!
I wanted to write this post on her actual 2nd birthday but go figure, I was too busy!
Emily is officially a toddler and not my little baby anymore :( Part of me is so sad to see her grow up because I want her to stay my little love bug forever but the other part of me is excited to see what kind of girl she'll grow up to be. So far she's a firecracker! So so much energy. Even on the night of her birthday we all just stared at her running from one toy to the next and never slowing down even as her bedtime came and went.
She is definitely spoiled!! My mom is in town and my Dad and Ingrid and her kids came over. Of course Nana and Papa and Aunt Tanya came over too and we watched her open or really watched her watch us open her gifts for her. She loves when the whole family is there and would spend the next two days saying everyone's name over and over. She got so many great gifts. A minnie mouse cheerleader that sings "Oh Mickey" and a mickey mouse that sings the hot dog song from her show she loves. She got a fred flinstone type car in pink and loves to ride around the house in it for hours. She got books, clothes and a keyboard and building blocks. The list goes on and on. It's so much fun to watch her get into something that interests her but it's also exhausting to watch her go. She is the never ending energy bunny.
The best part of her birthday was when all 15 of us huddled around singing Happy Birthday and she kept yelling at us to "STOP" and crossed her arms and pouted. Then when we cut her a piece of cake she pushed it away and said "I don't want any cake". If she's my daughter, she will never refuse cake in the future, but I'll let it slide this time. We filled her room with balloons the night before and I think that was her favorite part. All she wanted to do was play with the balloons and I felt so guilty when I had to pull her away to take her to daycare. That's probably the worse part of being a working parent is when your child is old enough to tell you they want to stay home and play and you can't allow that because you're in a hurry to get out the door and get to work. I cry most mornings on my way to the office because I hate leaving her. But then there's days when she's on a rampage and I can't wait to get back to work for a break from "the terrorist".
Some people have been giving me a hard time about potty training coming up but I'm in no hurry for her to take that big step. I remember when Jamesy was still in diapers and it was such a nice quiet time for the both of us when I would change him. I would stare into his eyes and we would smile at each other and I would tell him how much I love him. Once he was potty trained I felt like I lost him as my little man and I'm in no hurry for Emily to take that big step into kid-hood and leave her needy mommy behind. I know I know it's not about me, blah blah blah but I'm not going to push her at all to use the potty, she can let me know when she's ready.
As far as motherhood is concerned, I feel like I'm getting a lot better. I have my ups and downs but with my Mom in town helping with the household chores and the kids it makes life so much more bearable. Work has been crazy busy which makes everything at home that much more stressful but with the holidays approaching I'm feeling relaxed and inviting the chaos instead of trying to run from it.
I'm mostly anxious and excited for my little sister. She's going to give birth any day to her first child, a little boy named Connor Thomas. I can't wait to meet him and hold him and change him. I can't wait to see my sister as a mother and to see how well she'll embrace motherhood. The hardest part will be when I leave to go see her and Connor after the new year for 5 days. I will not be taking Emily and it will be the first time I'll be apart from her for such an extended amount of time. I'm really nervous about it and hope I can handle it okay but I'm trying to stay positive and excited about my little nephew. My sister is all the family I have besides my parents and I will always look to her as my little girl which is why this baby is so important to me. She doesn't have the kind of support system I have here and I need to make sure I can be there for her any way possible. Raising children is the hardest thing you can do and when you don't get a break or have emotional support it can feel isolating and depressing. I plan on making her read all my blog entries as Connor hits the month milestones for some sympathy on her situation.
I wish I had more to say but it's been a hectic exhausting but also exciting month for me. I'm looking forward to Christmas morning when Emily sees the Minnie Mouse kitchen Santa got for her and her stocking full. I'm excited to have my Mom here to celebrate with us and all my DeLucia family that keeps me happy and sane. I'm excited to ring in the new year and beyond excited for what 2014 will bring to me and my family and friends. 2013 was extremely rough for me emotionally and I'm looking forward to having more and more breakthroughs where I can just relax, be me and most importantly be okay with that :)
Love,
Diana
Emily is officially a toddler and not my little baby anymore :( Part of me is so sad to see her grow up because I want her to stay my little love bug forever but the other part of me is excited to see what kind of girl she'll grow up to be. So far she's a firecracker! So so much energy. Even on the night of her birthday we all just stared at her running from one toy to the next and never slowing down even as her bedtime came and went.
She is definitely spoiled!! My mom is in town and my Dad and Ingrid and her kids came over. Of course Nana and Papa and Aunt Tanya came over too and we watched her open or really watched her watch us open her gifts for her. She loves when the whole family is there and would spend the next two days saying everyone's name over and over. She got so many great gifts. A minnie mouse cheerleader that sings "Oh Mickey" and a mickey mouse that sings the hot dog song from her show she loves. She got a fred flinstone type car in pink and loves to ride around the house in it for hours. She got books, clothes and a keyboard and building blocks. The list goes on and on. It's so much fun to watch her get into something that interests her but it's also exhausting to watch her go. She is the never ending energy bunny.
The best part of her birthday was when all 15 of us huddled around singing Happy Birthday and she kept yelling at us to "STOP" and crossed her arms and pouted. Then when we cut her a piece of cake she pushed it away and said "I don't want any cake". If she's my daughter, she will never refuse cake in the future, but I'll let it slide this time. We filled her room with balloons the night before and I think that was her favorite part. All she wanted to do was play with the balloons and I felt so guilty when I had to pull her away to take her to daycare. That's probably the worse part of being a working parent is when your child is old enough to tell you they want to stay home and play and you can't allow that because you're in a hurry to get out the door and get to work. I cry most mornings on my way to the office because I hate leaving her. But then there's days when she's on a rampage and I can't wait to get back to work for a break from "the terrorist".
Some people have been giving me a hard time about potty training coming up but I'm in no hurry for her to take that big step. I remember when Jamesy was still in diapers and it was such a nice quiet time for the both of us when I would change him. I would stare into his eyes and we would smile at each other and I would tell him how much I love him. Once he was potty trained I felt like I lost him as my little man and I'm in no hurry for Emily to take that big step into kid-hood and leave her needy mommy behind. I know I know it's not about me, blah blah blah but I'm not going to push her at all to use the potty, she can let me know when she's ready.
As far as motherhood is concerned, I feel like I'm getting a lot better. I have my ups and downs but with my Mom in town helping with the household chores and the kids it makes life so much more bearable. Work has been crazy busy which makes everything at home that much more stressful but with the holidays approaching I'm feeling relaxed and inviting the chaos instead of trying to run from it.
I'm mostly anxious and excited for my little sister. She's going to give birth any day to her first child, a little boy named Connor Thomas. I can't wait to meet him and hold him and change him. I can't wait to see my sister as a mother and to see how well she'll embrace motherhood. The hardest part will be when I leave to go see her and Connor after the new year for 5 days. I will not be taking Emily and it will be the first time I'll be apart from her for such an extended amount of time. I'm really nervous about it and hope I can handle it okay but I'm trying to stay positive and excited about my little nephew. My sister is all the family I have besides my parents and I will always look to her as my little girl which is why this baby is so important to me. She doesn't have the kind of support system I have here and I need to make sure I can be there for her any way possible. Raising children is the hardest thing you can do and when you don't get a break or have emotional support it can feel isolating and depressing. I plan on making her read all my blog entries as Connor hits the month milestones for some sympathy on her situation.
I wish I had more to say but it's been a hectic exhausting but also exciting month for me. I'm looking forward to Christmas morning when Emily sees the Minnie Mouse kitchen Santa got for her and her stocking full. I'm excited to have my Mom here to celebrate with us and all my DeLucia family that keeps me happy and sane. I'm excited to ring in the new year and beyond excited for what 2014 will bring to me and my family and friends. 2013 was extremely rough for me emotionally and I'm looking forward to having more and more breakthroughs where I can just relax, be me and most importantly be okay with that :)
Love,
Diana
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
The One With No Title.....
Well...my last entry was a hard one. It was not only hard to write, but also hard to be feeling those emotions. I am completely open and honest maybe to a fault, but it is who I am and I will make no apologies for it. I feel like we (we=mommies/women) should encourage open discussion on the realities of motherhood. For so long women have been expected to provide perfect little children with not so much as a tear in the process. We're not allowed to tell the truth and I call bullshit.
James randomly had an urge to read the last entry, and only the last entry, as he's never read my blog before. He was not very pleased to say the least but I made no apologies to him either. I'm not going to write a blog to constantly convey how amazing motherhood is. I feel like I have enough posts boasting about my daughter to be "allowed" to have a few where I want to crawl in a hole and die. I can say this for a few reasons. One being, I know he'll never read another post and two, being a father and mother are two totally different experiences. It shows how society has changed and is still conflicted on the roles of a father vs. the roles of a mother. I love James. He's an amazing partner, provider and father but he still thinks it's 1950. I will never be the perfect housewife, the calm and patient mother or even the amazing employee who can run circles around my office. I have and continue to spend too much of precious precious time trying and failing to perfect these three roles. I have exhausted all my abilities and knowledge to try and juggle or figure out what it takes to juggle this idea of perfection. And quite frankly, it's run me down. But I will not allow myself to feel guilty anymore. So what if I only wash our bed sheets once every two months instead of once every two weeks. So what if laundry piles up til there's no more clean socks or towels. And so what if I let Emily go to bed in her clothes instead of changing her into pajamas every night. I refuse to give into this idea of perfection. It's thrown upon women left and right. Not only are we now required to keep a perfect home and perfect children and do it with a smile on our face 24/7 but now we have to work full time jobs on top of it. So I'm learning (slowly) that I need to come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to do my job like I once was able to do and that I can no longer stay on top of the laundry and dishes like I once did. And as long as I'm happy and healthy and my family is happy and healthy, I don't see a problem with that.
But back to the nugget who is the subject of this series. Emily. She is starting to say SO much!! Full sentences and repeating words (I learned the hard way after she repeated "damn it" a couple of times). She can very clearly sing most of the ABC's. She loves to dance and be tickled. She makes the most theatrical faces I've ever seen on a child and it just cracks me up. We spend lots of quiet moments just making faces at each other and laughing. She's learning to put on her socks and shoes. She loves to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and will yell out words Mickey says to repeat. As soon as we walk in the door she'll run and hand me the remote control to turn on Mickey.
One day when we were driving in the car she said "I have an idea" and rubbed her chin like people do when pondering something important. James and I died laughing it was too funny. She'll walk up to me with a comb or hairbrush and try to comb my hair. She'll grab a phone and put it up to her ear and say "Hello Daddy" "Okay" and "Bye" while standing with one hand on her hip. She's definitely going to be very outgoing and the center of attention with her friends. I can see it already!
No matter how difficult it is at times, I'm beyond obsessed with her. She hugs me tight, calls me Mommy and will tell me she loves me if I tell her first. Now when I drop her off at daycare she holds me tight saying she wants to stay home with me and when I come to pick her up she runs to me yelling "mommy" and jumps into my arms. There is no feeling on this earth that is better than that. Having her hold onto me and being able to show her love is the greatest thing ever.
I know that one day Emily will read all of these posts. The good, the bad and the indifferent. But regardless of what the words on the paper read, she will always know her mother loves her, nourishes her and encourages her. And that's all she'll ever need.
- Diana
James randomly had an urge to read the last entry, and only the last entry, as he's never read my blog before. He was not very pleased to say the least but I made no apologies to him either. I'm not going to write a blog to constantly convey how amazing motherhood is. I feel like I have enough posts boasting about my daughter to be "allowed" to have a few where I want to crawl in a hole and die. I can say this for a few reasons. One being, I know he'll never read another post and two, being a father and mother are two totally different experiences. It shows how society has changed and is still conflicted on the roles of a father vs. the roles of a mother. I love James. He's an amazing partner, provider and father but he still thinks it's 1950. I will never be the perfect housewife, the calm and patient mother or even the amazing employee who can run circles around my office. I have and continue to spend too much of precious precious time trying and failing to perfect these three roles. I have exhausted all my abilities and knowledge to try and juggle or figure out what it takes to juggle this idea of perfection. And quite frankly, it's run me down. But I will not allow myself to feel guilty anymore. So what if I only wash our bed sheets once every two months instead of once every two weeks. So what if laundry piles up til there's no more clean socks or towels. And so what if I let Emily go to bed in her clothes instead of changing her into pajamas every night. I refuse to give into this idea of perfection. It's thrown upon women left and right. Not only are we now required to keep a perfect home and perfect children and do it with a smile on our face 24/7 but now we have to work full time jobs on top of it. So I'm learning (slowly) that I need to come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to do my job like I once was able to do and that I can no longer stay on top of the laundry and dishes like I once did. And as long as I'm happy and healthy and my family is happy and healthy, I don't see a problem with that.
But back to the nugget who is the subject of this series. Emily. She is starting to say SO much!! Full sentences and repeating words (I learned the hard way after she repeated "damn it" a couple of times). She can very clearly sing most of the ABC's. She loves to dance and be tickled. She makes the most theatrical faces I've ever seen on a child and it just cracks me up. We spend lots of quiet moments just making faces at each other and laughing. She's learning to put on her socks and shoes. She loves to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and will yell out words Mickey says to repeat. As soon as we walk in the door she'll run and hand me the remote control to turn on Mickey.
One day when we were driving in the car she said "I have an idea" and rubbed her chin like people do when pondering something important. James and I died laughing it was too funny. She'll walk up to me with a comb or hairbrush and try to comb my hair. She'll grab a phone and put it up to her ear and say "Hello Daddy" "Okay" and "Bye" while standing with one hand on her hip. She's definitely going to be very outgoing and the center of attention with her friends. I can see it already!
No matter how difficult it is at times, I'm beyond obsessed with her. She hugs me tight, calls me Mommy and will tell me she loves me if I tell her first. Now when I drop her off at daycare she holds me tight saying she wants to stay home with me and when I come to pick her up she runs to me yelling "mommy" and jumps into my arms. There is no feeling on this earth that is better than that. Having her hold onto me and being able to show her love is the greatest thing ever.
I know that one day Emily will read all of these posts. The good, the bad and the indifferent. But regardless of what the words on the paper read, she will always know her mother loves her, nourishes her and encourages her. And that's all she'll ever need.
- Diana
Friday, October 11, 2013
Point me to the nearest mental institution......
Holy hell!!!! To say I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired and depressed is a complete understatement. I hope no "moms-to-be" read this entry because I'm about to unleash a whole mess of why being a parent fucking sucks. Yes, I said it, it FUCKING SUCKS!!!!
I don't want to do it anymore....I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to do laundry anymore, I don't want to pick up and drop off kids, change diapers, give baths, listen to "mommy mommy mommy" over and over and fucking over again!!! I have zero privacy and absolutely no alone time. I can't even hear myself think 90% of the time because there's always some fucker in my ear whether it be at work or home. UGH!
I need a break so bad....so bad that I can actually see myself fleeing the country. James is not on the same page as me what so ever so I just drive him nuts with my begging for a break. I'm so annoyed with everyone at this point that just hearing a familiar voice is like finger nails on a chalkboard. I don't just need a day off or a massage or pedicure break. I need a fucking month off. I need to not be needed or wanted by anyone for an extended amount of time. I feel myself cracking and I feel like I'm yelling out for help and no one hears me (or cares, I'm not sure which). The worse part is the people I need to give me a break are at their breaking points too and in no position to offer any assistance.
Emily is cute, she's smart, she's amazing, she's the love of my life, but cheese and rice she doesn't go away for five fucking minutes!!! She's always there and always talking and asking for food or a bottle or to play with her. ALL THE FUCKING TIME! On top of that, Joli and James have no idea of the stress I'm under so they just keep talking and talking even if it's while Emily is yelling Mommy and Mommy over and over. Lately I just feel like it's a matter of days, if not, hours before I completely break. Before I end up running my car into the capital building to get a release. I don't know why I'm so agitated or emotional lately. I know all these phases will be short lived and "before I know it the kids will be older and moved out" blah blah blah but I'm tired of hearing that bullshit.
I literally feel like I'm invisible. Like I'm screaming and yelling and having a breakdown in front of people but no one is seeing me or hearing me. Everyone's just staring like "who's that crazy bitch in the corner"? All the while, expecting or waiting for me to do my next "chore". That's great that you're not feeling it lately, but can you help with dinner? Or that's too bad that you're feeling overwhelmed but can you go ahead and do X, Y and Z for me?
Emily, Joli and James better appreciate the shit out of us when they're older. Being a parent to small children is like being held hostage by a terrorist. And not a like minded, rational terrorist, but like Osama Bin Laden's sidekick terrorist. I can't take a shit or change my clothes unless Emily allows it first.
I really can't remember a time where I've felt so hopeless and frustrated. It's an uphill battle every morning just to get out of bed. I feel like I'm suffering from postpartum times 10....by the by it's taken me over 2 hours just to write this much because I keep getting interrupted. I fear for the next person who stops me from writing as they may not make it out of my office alive.
Part of me feels like I need to add stuff about Emily and how she's doing and what she's doing but the other part of me just doesn't feel like it. I'm just not in the mood to celebrate my daughter right now. I need a "me" break to just bitch and vent and hopefully that's all this is. Maybe I'll feel better once this is off my chest.....who am I kidding? I won't feel better til 9pm tonight when the kids are all in bed, I'm half tanked and can finally take a deep breath for the short lived break I'll get before passing out and waking up tomorrow to do it all over again....
I don't want to do it anymore....I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to do laundry anymore, I don't want to pick up and drop off kids, change diapers, give baths, listen to "mommy mommy mommy" over and over and fucking over again!!! I have zero privacy and absolutely no alone time. I can't even hear myself think 90% of the time because there's always some fucker in my ear whether it be at work or home. UGH!
I need a break so bad....so bad that I can actually see myself fleeing the country. James is not on the same page as me what so ever so I just drive him nuts with my begging for a break. I'm so annoyed with everyone at this point that just hearing a familiar voice is like finger nails on a chalkboard. I don't just need a day off or a massage or pedicure break. I need a fucking month off. I need to not be needed or wanted by anyone for an extended amount of time. I feel myself cracking and I feel like I'm yelling out for help and no one hears me (or cares, I'm not sure which). The worse part is the people I need to give me a break are at their breaking points too and in no position to offer any assistance.
Emily is cute, she's smart, she's amazing, she's the love of my life, but cheese and rice she doesn't go away for five fucking minutes!!! She's always there and always talking and asking for food or a bottle or to play with her. ALL THE FUCKING TIME! On top of that, Joli and James have no idea of the stress I'm under so they just keep talking and talking even if it's while Emily is yelling Mommy and Mommy over and over. Lately I just feel like it's a matter of days, if not, hours before I completely break. Before I end up running my car into the capital building to get a release. I don't know why I'm so agitated or emotional lately. I know all these phases will be short lived and "before I know it the kids will be older and moved out" blah blah blah but I'm tired of hearing that bullshit.
I literally feel like I'm invisible. Like I'm screaming and yelling and having a breakdown in front of people but no one is seeing me or hearing me. Everyone's just staring like "who's that crazy bitch in the corner"? All the while, expecting or waiting for me to do my next "chore". That's great that you're not feeling it lately, but can you help with dinner? Or that's too bad that you're feeling overwhelmed but can you go ahead and do X, Y and Z for me?
Emily, Joli and James better appreciate the shit out of us when they're older. Being a parent to small children is like being held hostage by a terrorist. And not a like minded, rational terrorist, but like Osama Bin Laden's sidekick terrorist. I can't take a shit or change my clothes unless Emily allows it first.
I really can't remember a time where I've felt so hopeless and frustrated. It's an uphill battle every morning just to get out of bed. I feel like I'm suffering from postpartum times 10....by the by it's taken me over 2 hours just to write this much because I keep getting interrupted. I fear for the next person who stops me from writing as they may not make it out of my office alive.
Part of me feels like I need to add stuff about Emily and how she's doing and what she's doing but the other part of me just doesn't feel like it. I'm just not in the mood to celebrate my daughter right now. I need a "me" break to just bitch and vent and hopefully that's all this is. Maybe I'll feel better once this is off my chest.....who am I kidding? I won't feel better til 9pm tonight when the kids are all in bed, I'm half tanked and can finally take a deep breath for the short lived break I'll get before passing out and waking up tomorrow to do it all over again....
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Trying to find the time....
Holy crap! I can't believe it's been since May that I last recorded anything going on with my little nugget. Time is flying by way faster than I can keep up with. I'm desperate for time to stand still just for a minute so I can soak in all that's going on.
If I haven't mentioned before, James and I are finally going to take the plunge and get married next June. I've been trying not to stress out too much about wedding planning and just focusing on one thing at a time but I know it's going to creep up on me before I know it and I'll have nothing finalized. At least so far I've gotten a wedding dress, the venue and some decorations for the reception. I'm also sending out save the dates this week so I feel a little more confident right now than I will in say about 3 months!
The holidays are quickly approaching and we have Jamesy turning 8 already!!! Then Emily turning 2! Then my sister having her baby, oh and don't forget about Turkey Day and Xmas in the meantime!! Then we get to finish it all of with Joli's birthday. She's turning 10. The stress is already starting to seep into my veins......
But onto more important things. Emily. She is so wonderful. I say it every time I write an entry but I just can't say it enough!!! She has the biggest personality of any little tot I've seen. She loves to play and laugh and watch Spongebob along with a few other cartoons. As soon as we get home from daycare she'll point to the TV and say "Spongebob". Sort of....she'll say something that sounds like Spongebob.
She loves to sing and dance. Another little girl at her daycare has taught her Twinkle Twinkle and her ABC's and now she's learning to count to 10!! She's a genius!!
I'm also happy to report that after a short stint of being a Daddy fan only, she's finally come back around to her Mommy :) Just last night, her Dad asked her for a kiss and she said "no Mommy kissy" and came and gave me a kiss instead. She's been such a delight to hang out with. She loves to eat chips and salsa with me and we'll watch cartoons or go shopping together. The latter is a little more difficult since Emily seems to think stores are just big houses with all her stuff in it. Most of the time to make it enjoyable, we'll get a pack of goldfish crackers and let her go to town while we shop.
Joli is in gymnastics now and is constantly doing cartwheels and somersaults and all kinds of flips so Emily tries to mimic her. So far she's able to do side ways somersaults. She loves to read books and have books read to her. She's so good about nap times and bed times. She'll be the first to guide you to her room or her bottle when she's ready to go lay down. Oh and she's OBSESSED with brushing her teeth! Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but every five minutes she's saying "come mommy" and ushering me over to follow her to the bathroom and then she points at the counter saying "teeth" until I brush her teeth for her or let her do it.
A few months ago her new obsession was blowing on our stomachs to make a fart sound. She thinks that's hilarious! I don't appreciate it when she wants to show off my belly in public though....
One thing we do need to work on with her is her food choices. If it was up to her she'd eat nothing but crackers and chips everyday all day and since it's so easy to give her a handful of we tend to slack on healthier food choices. Hopefully since the kids are back in school and we're back on a routine she'll have more well rounded dinners :)
We bought her a potty not too long ago but she's only used it once for Nana and that's it. Sometimes she says she has to go potty and will sit on it for a minute but she quickly gets bored and moves on to something else. I'm in no hurry to potty train her though. I remember those days with Jamesy and just feeling so much closer to him when I had to change his diaper. I will be devastated when she's using the potty like a big girl. She loves bath time so I just bought her some crayons that she can use on the bathtub but that rub off with a towel so she's having fun with those. She loves bubbles and will point outside and yell "bubbles" begging us to get them for her.
There's just so many wonderful, cute and smart things she's doing every day that I wish I could remember and document every little thing. It's killing me to know she's growing up so fast and before I know it she'll be 20 asking me what her first word was. I don't even know if I remember!!!?? I want to have documents of all of it and it's frustrating to know that's not possible. At least not as possible as I'd like it to be! One thing I know won't change and that I'll always remember is how obsessively in love I am with this little girl. I'm not even sure if it's healthy how much I love her. She is just the greatest thing in the world, my world at least and I can't imagine one second without her. I miss her all 9 hours that I'm away at work and every second I leave her with a sitter. Her smile, her little chunky legs running around the house and the way she pronounces her S's just make my life so much greater. She's like Prozac but free and without having to wait in line every month for refills.
My little sister will soon be embarking on this great adventure of motherhood. She is expecting her first little nugget in late December. It's a BOY!!!! I wish there was a male version of Diana so she could name him after her favorite big sister :) I know she will finally understand what I've been saying for the past 20 months once he gets here. I'm so excited for her because we're a lot alike and I know being a Mom will affect her like it's affected me (in a good way!) and I can't wait to look into her eyes and know that she now knows what I now know.....
Love,
Diana :)
If I haven't mentioned before, James and I are finally going to take the plunge and get married next June. I've been trying not to stress out too much about wedding planning and just focusing on one thing at a time but I know it's going to creep up on me before I know it and I'll have nothing finalized. At least so far I've gotten a wedding dress, the venue and some decorations for the reception. I'm also sending out save the dates this week so I feel a little more confident right now than I will in say about 3 months!
The holidays are quickly approaching and we have Jamesy turning 8 already!!! Then Emily turning 2! Then my sister having her baby, oh and don't forget about Turkey Day and Xmas in the meantime!! Then we get to finish it all of with Joli's birthday. She's turning 10. The stress is already starting to seep into my veins......
But onto more important things. Emily. She is so wonderful. I say it every time I write an entry but I just can't say it enough!!! She has the biggest personality of any little tot I've seen. She loves to play and laugh and watch Spongebob along with a few other cartoons. As soon as we get home from daycare she'll point to the TV and say "Spongebob". Sort of....she'll say something that sounds like Spongebob.
She loves to sing and dance. Another little girl at her daycare has taught her Twinkle Twinkle and her ABC's and now she's learning to count to 10!! She's a genius!!
I'm also happy to report that after a short stint of being a Daddy fan only, she's finally come back around to her Mommy :) Just last night, her Dad asked her for a kiss and she said "no Mommy kissy" and came and gave me a kiss instead. She's been such a delight to hang out with. She loves to eat chips and salsa with me and we'll watch cartoons or go shopping together. The latter is a little more difficult since Emily seems to think stores are just big houses with all her stuff in it. Most of the time to make it enjoyable, we'll get a pack of goldfish crackers and let her go to town while we shop.
Joli is in gymnastics now and is constantly doing cartwheels and somersaults and all kinds of flips so Emily tries to mimic her. So far she's able to do side ways somersaults. She loves to read books and have books read to her. She's so good about nap times and bed times. She'll be the first to guide you to her room or her bottle when she's ready to go lay down. Oh and she's OBSESSED with brushing her teeth! Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but every five minutes she's saying "come mommy" and ushering me over to follow her to the bathroom and then she points at the counter saying "teeth" until I brush her teeth for her or let her do it.
A few months ago her new obsession was blowing on our stomachs to make a fart sound. She thinks that's hilarious! I don't appreciate it when she wants to show off my belly in public though....
One thing we do need to work on with her is her food choices. If it was up to her she'd eat nothing but crackers and chips everyday all day and since it's so easy to give her a handful of we tend to slack on healthier food choices. Hopefully since the kids are back in school and we're back on a routine she'll have more well rounded dinners :)
We bought her a potty not too long ago but she's only used it once for Nana and that's it. Sometimes she says she has to go potty and will sit on it for a minute but she quickly gets bored and moves on to something else. I'm in no hurry to potty train her though. I remember those days with Jamesy and just feeling so much closer to him when I had to change his diaper. I will be devastated when she's using the potty like a big girl. She loves bath time so I just bought her some crayons that she can use on the bathtub but that rub off with a towel so she's having fun with those. She loves bubbles and will point outside and yell "bubbles" begging us to get them for her.
There's just so many wonderful, cute and smart things she's doing every day that I wish I could remember and document every little thing. It's killing me to know she's growing up so fast and before I know it she'll be 20 asking me what her first word was. I don't even know if I remember!!!?? I want to have documents of all of it and it's frustrating to know that's not possible. At least not as possible as I'd like it to be! One thing I know won't change and that I'll always remember is how obsessively in love I am with this little girl. I'm not even sure if it's healthy how much I love her. She is just the greatest thing in the world, my world at least and I can't imagine one second without her. I miss her all 9 hours that I'm away at work and every second I leave her with a sitter. Her smile, her little chunky legs running around the house and the way she pronounces her S's just make my life so much greater. She's like Prozac but free and without having to wait in line every month for refills.
My little sister will soon be embarking on this great adventure of motherhood. She is expecting her first little nugget in late December. It's a BOY!!!! I wish there was a male version of Diana so she could name him after her favorite big sister :) I know she will finally understand what I've been saying for the past 20 months once he gets here. I'm so excited for her because we're a lot alike and I know being a Mom will affect her like it's affected me (in a good way!) and I can't wait to look into her eyes and know that she now knows what I now know.....
Love,
Diana :)
Friday, May 31, 2013
17 Months....Can I be done now???
Well.....so much for my "mini me". Emily has quickly turned into a child from hell. A cute, still lovable child, but still a descendant from Satan himself. I'm hoping this is just a little minor terrible 2's come early type of thing but who knows..She's actually really really smart and for such a young age she knows exactly what she wants and when she wants it and if you don't abide then you'll get an earful. It's kinda like living with my Mom all over again except Emily is way tinnier and I can't quite understand 90% of what she's saying.
Apparently, my mother in law tells me that she is just like her Daddy! Oh yay.....let me fill you in on James a little as a child. He was SO energetic and pushy and demanding. He was a handful to say the least. I'm sure a cute lovable handful, but still a handful. He would refuse to wear the clothes his parents bought him and by 14 starting working to support his habit because they couldn't handle his picky clothing needs any longer. Emily tends to yell what she wants instead of speaking in a normal tone. She likes to yell that everything is hers. If she sees you with something she wants, prepare to have it ripped from your hands. She digs through the garbage, gets a hold of her wipes and streams them all over the house and is constantly digging through drawers. There is no way to baby proof a house enough from this child, except maybe to add white padded walls and a straight jacket. Her new thing is to throw all her food from her high chair to the floor which is fun.
Public is probably the scariest place for me right now with a toddler. She completely skipped the walking stage and went straight to running. Not little kid, oh I can catch up to her running, but sprinting like it's a marathon. The second you put her down in public, she's off like a race horse and good luck catching her. Not to mention the kicking and screaming and squirming that comes when you do manage to rein her in. And she's not a fan of being strapped in to seats or stuck on laps. She wants to explore the world on her own and we're just holding her back at this point. And forget discipline. She must be made of iron. I try the hand slap and she just laughs at me. Stern voice or disappointing looks, she just laughs. Time outs? She throws everything out of her crib. I have a feeling I'm in for SOME ride the next 18 years....
Daycare is becoming more and more interesting as she's getting older too. She doesn't limit her food throwing tendencies to just our house but likes to throw things at her daycare's walls and see if it sticks. My good friend Cheryl has her daughter in the same daycare (she's a few months younger) and when I come to pick Emily up, both the girls will be at the front door waiting to find out whose mom is arriving. Instead of just being excited that it's me, she will immediately turn to Ava (my friends daughter) and push her down!!! PUSH HER DOWN!!! Who does that??? And it's not like Ava is in her way or yelling for me, she'll just turn around and push her. So rude.....
BUT....aside from her shenanigans, she really is such a great kid. Like I said earlier, she's super smart. She just heard one of her toys say "I'm happy" and now she walks around saying "I'm happy" clear as day. It's very cute (and reassuring) to hear. She tries to say "I love you" but it's harder to decipher. She can tell you when she poops. Becca just brought over a pair of Joli's old toy princess heels and Emily loves to wear them around the house. You'll hear a little click click as she jets down the hallway with her new shoes on. She loves to lift up my shirt in public. Apparently she wants everyone to see the damage she did to my body but it's very embarrassing. If she takes my phone and hides it, all I have to do is ask for it back and she'll go bring it to me. If you tell her to throw something away, she will (for the most part).
She's still madly in love with her sister and brother. She loves to yell their names over and over until they acknowledge her. She likes to sit in their laps while they play with their ipods. OOOH!!! And she's finally into cartoons. Her favorite (and mine thank goodness) is Spongebob so we watch a lot of that. She loves Elmo too and asks for him a lot but Sesame Street is so boring and they only show Elmo for like 2 minutes an episode. I can sit and watch Spongebob with her all day! Unfortunately she's a little more into her Dad's music genre than mine. I guess it's harder for a 17 month old to dance to emo music rather than hip hop, but I'm hoping one day she'll have good taste in music.
Most days are difficult for me. Especially lately. I feel SO pulled apart from working full time and the home life that I cry often these days. I'm working on coming up with some solutions to my stress but in the meantime I'm starting to re-think pushing all my friends to have kids of their own. It's not even the amount of work that goes into it for me but the worry. The constant, nagging worry of being a parent. How am I fucking up my children?? Am I not listening enough to them or do I listen too much. Should I be more or less affectionate. Am I teaching them anything? Am I scarring them for life? The list goes on and on. It's exhausting to feel like you have these extra detached limbs that you're constantly worried are going to fall off. For some reason Dads don't feel this, or at least not quite as much as Moms because James doesn't seem to be bothered or worried about his parenting. Even when I'm away from Emily, all I do is think about her and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'll find out when she's in her 20's and either still lives at home or wants nothing to do with me.
In the meantime I'm trying to remember to "enjoy every moment" but it's hard when you are so tired you actually consider committing a crime for a break. Jail seems like a vacation compared to the daily routine. But I kiss Emily every morning and every night like it's the first and last time because I don't want to forget a moment of her. Just her.
Love,
Diana :)
Apparently, my mother in law tells me that she is just like her Daddy! Oh yay.....let me fill you in on James a little as a child. He was SO energetic and pushy and demanding. He was a handful to say the least. I'm sure a cute lovable handful, but still a handful. He would refuse to wear the clothes his parents bought him and by 14 starting working to support his habit because they couldn't handle his picky clothing needs any longer. Emily tends to yell what she wants instead of speaking in a normal tone. She likes to yell that everything is hers. If she sees you with something she wants, prepare to have it ripped from your hands. She digs through the garbage, gets a hold of her wipes and streams them all over the house and is constantly digging through drawers. There is no way to baby proof a house enough from this child, except maybe to add white padded walls and a straight jacket. Her new thing is to throw all her food from her high chair to the floor which is fun.
Public is probably the scariest place for me right now with a toddler. She completely skipped the walking stage and went straight to running. Not little kid, oh I can catch up to her running, but sprinting like it's a marathon. The second you put her down in public, she's off like a race horse and good luck catching her. Not to mention the kicking and screaming and squirming that comes when you do manage to rein her in. And she's not a fan of being strapped in to seats or stuck on laps. She wants to explore the world on her own and we're just holding her back at this point. And forget discipline. She must be made of iron. I try the hand slap and she just laughs at me. Stern voice or disappointing looks, she just laughs. Time outs? She throws everything out of her crib. I have a feeling I'm in for SOME ride the next 18 years....
Daycare is becoming more and more interesting as she's getting older too. She doesn't limit her food throwing tendencies to just our house but likes to throw things at her daycare's walls and see if it sticks. My good friend Cheryl has her daughter in the same daycare (she's a few months younger) and when I come to pick Emily up, both the girls will be at the front door waiting to find out whose mom is arriving. Instead of just being excited that it's me, she will immediately turn to Ava (my friends daughter) and push her down!!! PUSH HER DOWN!!! Who does that??? And it's not like Ava is in her way or yelling for me, she'll just turn around and push her. So rude.....
BUT....aside from her shenanigans, she really is such a great kid. Like I said earlier, she's super smart. She just heard one of her toys say "I'm happy" and now she walks around saying "I'm happy" clear as day. It's very cute (and reassuring) to hear. She tries to say "I love you" but it's harder to decipher. She can tell you when she poops. Becca just brought over a pair of Joli's old toy princess heels and Emily loves to wear them around the house. You'll hear a little click click as she jets down the hallway with her new shoes on. She loves to lift up my shirt in public. Apparently she wants everyone to see the damage she did to my body but it's very embarrassing. If she takes my phone and hides it, all I have to do is ask for it back and she'll go bring it to me. If you tell her to throw something away, she will (for the most part).
She's still madly in love with her sister and brother. She loves to yell their names over and over until they acknowledge her. She likes to sit in their laps while they play with their ipods. OOOH!!! And she's finally into cartoons. Her favorite (and mine thank goodness) is Spongebob so we watch a lot of that. She loves Elmo too and asks for him a lot but Sesame Street is so boring and they only show Elmo for like 2 minutes an episode. I can sit and watch Spongebob with her all day! Unfortunately she's a little more into her Dad's music genre than mine. I guess it's harder for a 17 month old to dance to emo music rather than hip hop, but I'm hoping one day she'll have good taste in music.
Most days are difficult for me. Especially lately. I feel SO pulled apart from working full time and the home life that I cry often these days. I'm working on coming up with some solutions to my stress but in the meantime I'm starting to re-think pushing all my friends to have kids of their own. It's not even the amount of work that goes into it for me but the worry. The constant, nagging worry of being a parent. How am I fucking up my children?? Am I not listening enough to them or do I listen too much. Should I be more or less affectionate. Am I teaching them anything? Am I scarring them for life? The list goes on and on. It's exhausting to feel like you have these extra detached limbs that you're constantly worried are going to fall off. For some reason Dads don't feel this, or at least not quite as much as Moms because James doesn't seem to be bothered or worried about his parenting. Even when I'm away from Emily, all I do is think about her and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'll find out when she's in her 20's and either still lives at home or wants nothing to do with me.
In the meantime I'm trying to remember to "enjoy every moment" but it's hard when you are so tired you actually consider committing a crime for a break. Jail seems like a vacation compared to the daily routine. But I kiss Emily every morning and every night like it's the first and last time because I don't want to forget a moment of her. Just her.
Love,
Diana :)
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
My 16 month old little love bug!
My little baby girl....she is the best!!! She's learning more words every day and she's practically speaking sentences at this point. It's just I don't understand a lot of it. hahaha Her new thing is "I'm hungry" and "Hi ya" and "hey baby" It's SO cute to hear her say these words. She keeps calling her brother Sissy because it's easier for her or she's saying Jamesy and I'm not giving her credit for knowing her shit. She loves her Uncle and will call him all the time. She says Auntie and it's too cute!!
We went to Disneyland last week for her first time ever!!! It was by far one of the best vacations I've ever had. We took the 3 kids, their mom and my inlaws. We had such a great time and Emily could pretty much ride all the rides even though she's soo teeny tiny. Here's some pics of her as Snow White and after an exhausting 3 days trekking around the park.
UGH!!! Computers suck!! hahaha I can not figure out how to work this stupid thing. But anyways, that's my sweet pea.
She LOVED It's a Small World. She didn't like the different characters. When I tried to take pictures with her and Goofy, she just yelled "NO" (that's her sign for people to go away). The other rides she just mostly held on to the closest adult terrified. But she didn't cry or try to climb out of the rides so I was happy with that :)
She did fall asleep twice. Once during Pirates of the Caribbean and then once during Captain EO. Those aren't the rides I'd choose to sleep through, but to each their own....
Every morning she'd wake up and say "Nana" til someone got her out of bed. She was such a sweet little princess and I'm so thankful she made the trip amazing instead of dreadful. haha
The big kids had a blast!!! Joli got to get her hair and makeup done like a princess and all the staff called her Princess for the rest of the day. Jamesy got to build his own double light saber. That must of been his highlight because it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Joli was a really good sport about riding the scary rides. I think the scariest was a moving Ferris Wheel. I was scared too though so I can't blame her :)
The ride was quick down to So Cal and the ride home was long and painful. By the end Emily was cranky and ready to get back home. She loves her new Minnie Mouse stuffy that her Cousin Joe got her.
Otherwise, everything is as it's been. Oh, it's super cute to see her with her new little cousin Arianna. She is such a doll and I'm in love with being a new Auntie. Emily is very careful around the baby and always says "Uh oh" if Arianna starts crying. She even took her new doll, which is a baby, and carries it around like we carry Arianna. It's so cute to see her motherly instincts kick in. Here's a pic of her and her Aunt Tanya and baby cousin Arianna from last night.
She is just the light of my life. I love all 3 of my kids so much and am so proud of them. I can't wait to see what's to come with my baby girl and my other little love muffins. Hopefully only good things!!! Or at least, hoping the good things outweigh the bad :)
Love,
Diana :)
We went to Disneyland last week for her first time ever!!! It was by far one of the best vacations I've ever had. We took the 3 kids, their mom and my inlaws. We had such a great time and Emily could pretty much ride all the rides even though she's soo teeny tiny. Here's some pics of her as Snow White and after an exhausting 3 days trekking around the park.
UGH!!! Computers suck!! hahaha I can not figure out how to work this stupid thing. But anyways, that's my sweet pea.
She LOVED It's a Small World. She didn't like the different characters. When I tried to take pictures with her and Goofy, she just yelled "NO" (that's her sign for people to go away). The other rides she just mostly held on to the closest adult terrified. But she didn't cry or try to climb out of the rides so I was happy with that :)
She did fall asleep twice. Once during Pirates of the Caribbean and then once during Captain EO. Those aren't the rides I'd choose to sleep through, but to each their own....
Every morning she'd wake up and say "Nana" til someone got her out of bed. She was such a sweet little princess and I'm so thankful she made the trip amazing instead of dreadful. haha
The big kids had a blast!!! Joli got to get her hair and makeup done like a princess and all the staff called her Princess for the rest of the day. Jamesy got to build his own double light saber. That must of been his highlight because it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Joli was a really good sport about riding the scary rides. I think the scariest was a moving Ferris Wheel. I was scared too though so I can't blame her :)
The ride was quick down to So Cal and the ride home was long and painful. By the end Emily was cranky and ready to get back home. She loves her new Minnie Mouse stuffy that her Cousin Joe got her.
Otherwise, everything is as it's been. Oh, it's super cute to see her with her new little cousin Arianna. She is such a doll and I'm in love with being a new Auntie. Emily is very careful around the baby and always says "Uh oh" if Arianna starts crying. She even took her new doll, which is a baby, and carries it around like we carry Arianna. It's so cute to see her motherly instincts kick in. Here's a pic of her and her Aunt Tanya and baby cousin Arianna from last night.
She is just the light of my life. I love all 3 of my kids so much and am so proud of them. I can't wait to see what's to come with my baby girl and my other little love muffins. Hopefully only good things!!! Or at least, hoping the good things outweigh the bad :)
Love,
Diana :)
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