I love my daughter, I really do. I tell myself this every single minute of every single day. But God, 2 is the worse age ever! Every single second of the day she has a different emotion. Happy, sad, mad, crying, laughing, running, laying, throwing things, hugging, kissing, screaming, hitting. Trying to figure out what she wants and how to calm her and get her to listen to me is near impossible. And I can understand mood shifts. I'm a woman (1) and have been on anti-depressants (2) and I'm a woman! (3) so I get it! But I can't tell you how I quietly I tread on those egg shells to try to keep her happy, which in return keeps me happy.
When we have good days, they're GREAT days. I'm all smiles and just so happy and in love and can't see a bad day in sight. Our very best days and happiest moments for me are when we have no plans
and I can just sit on the couch with her and watch her favorite
cartoons on repeat. I love the few moments when she climbs onto my lap and lets me play with her hair or rub her back. When she's content, there's no
word to describe the feeling. I'm relaxed, loving and hopeful. Then when we have a bad day, I feel like it's going to be like that for the rest of my life and I get stressed out and irritated. Just the other night I had a breakdown and James hugged me while I cried in the kitchen and promised me it was just her age and it would change and that we would get through it. But in the moment, when you're desperately telling (or yelling) for her to come sit and eat dinner and she refuses while giggling and running in circles, I think she'll never do a thing I ask in her life. And I wonder if it's socially acceptable to spank her when she's 15 years old refusing to clean her room/do homework/etc.
Aside from the normal grievances of living with a toddler, I feel confident. I may not be the best parent but I keep her clothed, clean, fed and out of harms way so I can't be doing all that bad. It would be nice if she was old and mature enough to turn to me and say "Mom, you're kinda alright" just to give me some form of reassurance. I said this to a friend the other day and they said "don't hold your breath, it probably won't happen til she's in her 30's" :/
I'm seriously considering getting her into some sort of acting gig. She has the biggest personality, has an overreaction to every single event (can't imagine where she got that from!) and she could be our cash cow. Maybe I should start videotaping and posting them to YouTube til she gets noticed by Ellen DeGeneres. That seems to be how it works these days. She's starting to learn that the kids go to school every day while she goes to daycare. I bring her in to the kids' daycare center with their backpacks so she can see how it works. She still doesn't get that every kid has their own mommy and seems to think of me as this blanket mom to every kid that she has to be territorial over. It's kinda cute, but I doubt any of the other kids are jealous of this kid. She'll be lucky if she makes it out alive, let alone feeling like screaming to the world "THIS IS MY MOMMY NOT YOURS!" I do love her kisses though. Sometimes she'll randomly come over to me and ask me for a kiss. Or she'll grab my face in her little hands and nuzzle my nose. Those are the moments where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Two seconds later when she's screaming for me to turn on the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or demanding cereal or a snack, I wonder where this little terrorist gets her set of balls from. Where did she learn along the short two years she's been here to talk like that to ME! If it was anyone else I would tell them to go fuck themselves, but Emily just has this spell over me.
Potty training is on the horizon. I can see it almost clearly. She'll constantly tell you right away after she pees or poops to get a new diaper and sometimes she'll ask to sit on her little potty but she still refuses to actually use it. I'm worried about the whole dynamic of having a potty trained child. Does this mean no more crib so she can get up on her own to use the bathroom? Does this mean I have to constantly be paranoid everytime I leave the house that she's going to pee in public? And most importantly, if I switch her to a toddler bed, will I start losing sleep? I can picture her breaking into our room at crazy hours throughout the night and morning telling us to wake up. I like the idea of having control on when she can and can't get out of bed. Maybe I'll wait another month or two to make any rash decisions. I mean, changing diapers isn't all that bad....
Recently, I've had to start getting the kids up earlier to have them dress, eat and brush hair and teeth before school at our house. This has been a challenge of it's own, but it's even more so because now Emily wants to copy everything they do. When she hears them getting ready she starts yelling for me to get her down. Then she wants to sit and eat cereal just like they do and put on her shoes and jacket just like they do. It's super adorable, don't get me wrong. It just leaves me with little to no time to get ready myself and I definitely look the worse when leaving the house. Yesterday I couldn't even remember if I had put on deodorant or perfume and since I have a 365 day cold (thanks to daycare germs) I can't smell anything.
The great news is I started taking one day a week for some "me" time. Every Wednesday night I go to a yoga class in town and leave James with the three kids. All to cook for and bath while I go namaste for an hour and a half. Part of me feels endlessly guilty about it but the other part knows that this is vital to me staying sane. I don't think I'll ever understand how families do it. How people make it out alive after raising children. Sometimes it's the greatest thing ever and I love that I'm a mom and (soon to be) wife. Other days.....well other days I'm just glad alcohol exists :)
Love,
Diana
No comments:
Post a Comment