Week 16

I don't know who I was kidding, thinking I was a strong enough person to have a baby! I must have been out of my mind....I suffer from anxiety, pretty bad. Normally I'm medicated and that pretty much alleviates the nerves but now I'm just a giant open wound. And like a skittish cat, I'm constantly nervous and jumping at every sound. The worse part is I have nervous stomach (sort of like IBS but caused my anxiety and stress) and my body likes to react before my mind can even realize that I may be panicking. So the last few days, weeks even, have been filled with fun anxiety and stomach issues. I can only imagine how this is affecting Emily (yes I'm calling her by her "name", maybe if I say it enough James will start to agree with it). This poor little bean is just trying to chill out and get her grow on while sleeping and nesting in my belly and all I can do for her is FREAK OUT!!! 24 HOURS A DAY!!! If she comes out even semi-normal and not phased by my internal chaos, I will die of shock! But I can't worry about that now...I have to focus on remaining calm......okay. That lasted 5 seconds, I'm not calm anymore!!

I saw my OB yesterday for my little monthly visit and check in. He was a little concerned that I lost 4 pounds instead of gaining, but I explained what's been going on with my anxiety and stuff and he said we'll just "watch it". Whatever that means. To James, it means freak out and force feed me and count my vitamins to make sure I'm taking them. But I honestly know it's not a big deal. I'm sure I'll gain all the weight back and then some. He also measured my stomach and I'm at 17 inches. Apparently each inch sort of represents 1 week, so I'm about where I should be. I also mentioned some "leaking" going on lately and he tested to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid that I was leaking. He also quickly ran the ultrasound thing on my stomach to make sure my sack is full, which it is, so I'm good there too. He swears he felt the baby kick him when he pushed on my stomach but I didn't feel anything. I don't know if I would even know what I'm feeling if and when the baby starts moving but he was pretty certain he had gotten kicked. I'm still suffering from really bad headaches, but there's not much I can do about them. I asked him about my hair growth and he said the vitamins will cause my hair EVERYWHERE to grow, not just on my head. What a bummer that is!

Other than my eventful pregnancy woes, I was finally able to have some time to pamper myself. Yesterday, I went in for a manicure and pedicure courtesy of James. It was nice to not have to worry about anything for 5 minutes and now I have beautiful hands and feet! Now if I could get my hair done, I'd be set :)

According to my Baby Center weekly e-mails, the baby is going to double it's size and weight in the next few weeks. Also, she can hear now!! I better start working on my f bombs so her first work isn't FORK! According to my Dr. I should start to feel her move in the next 2 weeks or so. Personally, I don't want to feel her move. What if she's violent and restless? What if she hurts me? Or herself?? Can babies hurt themselves in the womb?? I bet if they could, my baby would be the one to do it. Poke her eye out on accident or something. And I keep finding myself rolling over and sleeping on my stomach. I hope this is okay and that I don't squish her.

For the most part, I'm starting to get really excited for Emily to get here. I want to hold her and sleep with her and play with her and do all the Mommy things that don't require inhabiting my body. I need my Diana back and she's in hiding until this baby gets here! Today, a customer told me about how her 2nd child jumped up in her stomach so violently that she sprung a leak and started leaking tons of amniotic fluid so they had to do an emergency C-section a month before she was due. Part of me thought, "holy shit, that's scary!" but the other part thought, "well the baby weighed a lot less than expected which was probably less painful and she didn't have to go through labor pains!" So Emily, if you can hear me, please spring a leak or do something that requires you to be yanked before your time so A) You're not born so close to Xmas and B) so Mommy doesn't have to experience labor :)


HOW FAR ALONG:  16 weeks (baby is the size of an avocado!)

SLEEP:  Back to almost normal sleeping habits. But I do miss my naps!

FOOD CRAVINGS: This is the first and will most likely be the last time in my life that I actually hate food. I can't stand to think about it or eat it.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Everything else in my life to fall into place so I can enjoy being pregnant and not be such an anxious stress case all the time :)

WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Today I read that women have bladder problems after giving birth!!! WHAT THE HELL??

Love, Diana :)