Wow, I get no time to even think of blogging anymore. Luckily Emily was so cranky she spent a good hour crying because I wouldn't hold her and tired herself out. If she naps more than 5 minutes I might actually get to write something!
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Week 6.....Back to work??
I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
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