I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
1 comment:
Diana! You're doing such an amazing job as a mommy! Just like I knew you would. Don't let others tell you how to raise YOUR baby! If you want advice, ask it and then do what you feel is best for you guys. She's yours. Whatever works for one person, doesn't always work for another! I need to get rid of some pounds too. Since moving I have totally gone off my "good eating habits" (I will never, ever be on a diet hehe) and I need to get in shape for my wedding! You, me and Jamie should try to meet up even just twice a week and walk! It's a good time to catch up as well and little Em's can come with us in the stroller! Hang in there! The first year is the hardest! :)
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