I have the best child ever! I love her so much more every day that I feel like I'm going to explode! I feel so differently about life and now my only regret is that I didn't have a baby years ago. She is my everything. I get now why people have more than 1 kid. It's addicting, like getting a tattoo. One is never enough. But...I think 3 kids in our house is plenty.
A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.
Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?
Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)
Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!
My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.
I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.
Love, Diana :)
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