Holy exhaustion!! I can't wait to read this to Emily when she's older so I can finally ask her what I did while she was in the womb to make her hate me so much? I know the last month is supposedly the toughest but I guess I'm just getting antsy since it's so close to the end. It's like I've been uncomfortable for so long and emotional for so long that even considering going through it for one more day feels impossible. Impossible and unbearable. I tell James every day that I'm dying but I really mean it. I feel like she's trying to kill me or maybe just push my buttons to see how strong I am. Well, guess what Emily!? Mommy is not strong!!! She's not strong at all and you have broken me down to a point I never thought I could ever reach in my life. I suffered from depression as a teenager and yesterday I remembered those feelings and how awful they were. How it felt to think I was alone, that no one would or could possibly understand why I'm upset all the time. The crying, the thoughts of ending my life, all of it PALES in comparison to how I'm feeling these days. I would give anything to just feel like I did when I was 13, 14. I can handle emotional distress and anxiety. I can't handle it while experiencing such chronic awful indigestion and chest pains, back pains, nose bleeds, headaches. Who in their right mind actually wants to do this to themselves for 9 months?? That Duggar family must be on crack! 20 kids??? Hell no! I'm not saying that Emily won't be amazing because let's face it, she'll be half me so she's bound to be the greatest thing since sliced bread but suffering for this long of a time feels like centuries and I will never ever put myself through it again.
Aside from the pain and sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety is getting to me big time. I feel like there's so much that needs to be done and not enough time. And not knowing exactly when she'll get here is so stressful for me. I need to plan! I need to have an exact day and time so I know where to be, what to have ready and what to get done ahead of time. And again....I have to birth something from my precious hoohoo. I'm freaking out!!! What will it feel like? What if my water doesn't break, how will I know if I'm in labor?? What if the pain is too unbearable and I can't handle it? What if I can't or don't push right and they have to do a c-section because I can't get my shit together?? There is just not enough time in the world to prepare me for giving birth and I know I'll never feel ready. I just wish I didn't feel so scared of it. Sometimes I don't because when I'm in a lot of pain at that moment I could care less if she carved her way out of my stomach with a rusty old butter knife but when the pain subsides for even 5 minutes, I'm panicking over this whole labor thing. But at the same time if I try to read about labor at all I get even more panicky and start imagining the worse and have to stop reading. I'm even panicking right now as I type this.....thank God I'm in therapy!
Last night I finally got to my thank you cards from the baby shower and it literally took me 5 hours to do them! The pain in my chest was so bad that after I'd write 1-2 cards I'd have to stop and lay on my back for at least 5 minutes to relieve the pain before I could write another 1-2 cards. Who knew writing thank you notes would be so exhausting?? I feel super worthless these days. I have to push myself so hard just to do the dishes or a load of laundry. I get tired very easily and am in pain a lot of the time. And apparently at this point she should be running out of room but either she's super tiny or my uterus is huge because she still moves and kicks A LOT! Oh and also according to my e-mails, she's fully grown and developed, now she's just putting on pounds. Uh, you think you could help me out and gain that weight OUT of the womb?? I'm sure it's warm in there and all but you are SUPER uncomfortable. And the kicking on my bladder needs to stop ASAP! I feel like a 80 yr old woman whose lost control of her bladder....
On a happy note though (doesn't seem to be many of those these days!) I'm getting everything together to finally finish up her room. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this weekend and I am getting really excited to see and hold her. I know I will love her to pieces and I know I'll be a good Mom, I'm just feeling really restless for her to get here already.
HOW FAR ALONG: 35 weeks (baby is about 18 inches long and should weigh 5 1/2 pds)
SLEEP: I'm up and down all night but I do get a minimum of 3-4 hours a night. Just a lot of wacky dreams...
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything. Lots of sweet and salty mixes are at the top of my list these days.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Thanksgiving!!! I'm going to PIG out!!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: 1 when Emily gets here. I hope she sleeps a lot.
Love, Diana :)
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