Wow, in as little as 6 weeks I could have my daughter in my hands. That feels weird to say, think and write. Daughter. I know I've had some experience with the whole parenting thing with Jamesy and Joli but because of their strong bond with their Mom and my fear of being considered a real Mom, I never let myself feel that way about them. It feels invasive to consider myself a Mother with them because I come from a divorced family and I know how it feels to have "strangers" come into the home and assume certain roles. I would never want the kids to consider me anything they don't feel 100% comfortable with. They still don't even understand what a step-mom is or know that I consider myself one. And that's always been fine with me. But knowing that now I will officially be a Mother and have someone who loves me unconditionally like they love their Mom is such a strange concept. I keep wondering if when I hear the words "mom" for the first time if I'll even turn around and recognize someone is addressing me! And trying to picture what she'll look like is strange too. I wonder if she'll look just like me or just like her Daddy or a combo of both of us. I hope she gets James' nose. And I really hope she doesn't get my chin! I like to call her my little monkey since I think I strongly resembled one as a child.
Being pregnant is hard. People do it every day and I think they're insane. Either that or I really am that weak of a person. Lately every simple task feels like the end of the world. I have zero motivation to do anything. I've been half ass cleaning at home, slacking off at work. I'm just really tired and my mind feels so cloudy I can't concentrate on anything. The other day I noticed something on my tummy that I thought were bruises. I asked James to take a look and sure enough, they're stretch marks!! STRETCH MARKS!! It's the beginning of the end. I can't even imagine what my body will look like after this is over and done with. I picture myself looking like a shriveled up prune swimming in cottage cheese. Hopefully I'll be so in love with her that I won't care what happens to my body and hopefully James will love me regardless of what I look like :) Speaking of James, that poor guy....I feel really bad for any spouse or significant others dealing with pregnant women. Let's face it, we're phsychotic when expecting. No matter what he does, that I ask him to do, it's always wrong and it's never enough. He tells me 100 times a day how much he loves me and I still get upset and tell him I feel unloved and alone. If his thoughts/wants/needs aren't in my best interest 24/7 than he's getting a hyterical Diana. But at the same time, I AM the one who is dealing with all this mess. He'll just get to enjoy his new baby while I'll have spent the last 9 months being tortured by her. Plus, if I get too out of control he can always have a drink or 12 to relax. I can't....you know what!? I change my mind! Screw that guy! Screw all guys!
So, I'm sure this is the case for everyone who gets knocked up, but I'm going to really try and avoid in the future to talk to other expecting moms about my experience. Unless they ask of course. But I'm SO over hearing everyone's stories and advice. I feel rude for feeling that way, but I just don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to know what to expect when I give birth or what to expect afterward. I just want to wing it at this point and deal with everything as it comes at me. The more I know, the more I panic. I do enjoy the looks of sympathy I get though from fellow Mommies when they see I'm pregnant. That silent look tells me more comforting things than any conversation I've had thus far.
My baby shower is this Sunday and I'm SO SO excited!!! I can't wait to see my sister, my Mom came into town last night and it's always nice to have her around and helping out. I can't wait to spend a day with all my friends and family and people I haven't seen in a LONG time! It's going to be such a great time. I just hope I can make it through the day without crying. hahaha It's kind of a daily routine at this point. A slight breeze can make me lose it. But I'm sure it will be awesome and I can't thank my sister enough for putting it all together! And apparently there will be a bar so maybe I can sneak a little glass of something. I was hoping for strippers but apparently that's not baby shower material.
HOW FAR ALONG: 33 Weeks (baby is as big as a pineapple)
SLEEP: I get as much as I can.
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'm really enjoying Halloween candy. I could not have been preggers at a better time!
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The baby shower and hopefully some ultrasounds so I can see how big my little nugget is.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Getting any bigger. I'm already in so much pain and discomfort I can't imagine carrying any more weight on me.
Love, Diana :)
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