Week 32

At this stage in my pregnancy, every day I wake up is a good day. I've been so miserably uncomfortable and at this point, if death came knocking at my door I would not be shocked. I realize that when Emily gets here I will be so exhausted and stressed out that I will be begging my Dr. to put her back in my belly but without knowing what that experience feels like and only knowing what THIS experience feels like, it's hard to see that. It's really hard to see anything to be perfectly honest. My brain feels like it's on vacation. I can walk, see, hear and speak but I can't comprehend what's going on. I'm not sure why or where I'm walking to, who or what I'm seeing or what or who I'm hearing or speaking to. It's almost like being on a bad acid trip for the last 7 months. My mind is such goo I can't remember what it was like to be sharp and awake. The one bright side I keep holding out for is maternity leave. Yes, it will entail an additional child to care for and feed and bath, clothe, etc., but it will also mean only one thing to focus on. Parenting. Not working full time while half ass parenting before and after work. No traffic killing precious time that I could be cleaning or running errands. Then again, I'll have a life in my hands that is 100% dependent on me. I can't even depend on myself! This poor girl doesn't even know what kind of Mom she picked....

I had a great weekend though. It was exhausting but lots of fun. I think I really needed to get out and see my friends and just be carefree for a few days. I'm definitely paying for it this week but it was worth it. I managed to find a costume that fit over my huge gut for the annual Halloween party my friends have every year. Me and my friend Amber who is due a month after me even managed to stay til midnight! We were very proud of ourselves :) Monday night I attempted to do pumpkins with the kids but my back was killing me SO bad I couldn't stand to lean over the table and scoop out all the insides. The pumpkins definitely didn't end up the way I was hoping but for one year I think I can handle it. Plus, the kids loved them and that's all that matters. Tomorrow is their Halloween parade at school and I'm taking the day off work (WOOHOO!) so I can be there and get them all dressed in their costumes.

James was finally able to go to a Dr.'s appt with me this past Monday and he was a little unnerved when I told him I would be asking my Dr. to induce me ASAP because if I'm pregnant for one more day, I might kill someone. But I asked anyways :) He said that he can actually induce me 2 weeks early (at 39 weeks) and I was SO relieved and happy to hear that! Plus, I didn't even gain one pound over the last two weeks so that was nice to hear too. I promised my Dr. I would be waiting outside his office on the 1st day of my 39th week waiting to be induced but then I got home, talked to Mom and now I'm singing a different tune. I would absolutely hate myself if Emily had any complications tied to me having her early if she's not fully developed or ready to enter the real world. I was 2 weeks late myself and I think she'll come when she's good and ready. I've made it this far, I can't just rush her at this point. Plus, now that I realize how close I'm getting to giving birth, I'm freaking out again. At night the only thing I can think about (besides being extremely uncomfortable laying down) is what my birthing experience will be like. How or when will it happen? Will I be alone? Will I be scared? Will the pain be too much? It's hard not to throw myself into an instant panic attack thinking about it. I know woman have babies every day and I'm no different, but I can't help but be terrified of what's to come. Not knowing what it will be like is the worse part. I feel like I can handle anything as long as I know what to expect and can control it at some level. Being pregnant and giving birth allow for neither of those things! I have lost all control and I have no idea what lies ahead.

HOW FAR ALONG:  32 Weeks (baby is almost 17 inches and over 4 pds)

SLEEP: I should really stop complaining since I'm sure my 3-4 hours a night will dwindle to mabye 1 once Emily gets here.

FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything at this point. Especially when I'm hungry which is all the time!

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Seeing the little hands and feet that have been kicking the crap out of me :)
 
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: pretty much the whole birthing process.

Love, Diana :)