I'm slowly losing my mind. Like, officially, slowly.going.insane. I see myself either ending up in a straight jacket or committing homicide in the near future. I think if I hear one more person tell me how "beautiful" or "magical" pregnancy is and what a gift it is, I will cut them. I imagine that some people must actually enjoy being pregnant or feel good during their pregnancies and that's why they continue to have kids. But personally, this sucks! It has been a sucky experience and I will not, I repeat NOT be doing this again. Honestly, if the world were about to end and my uterus was the only hope of keeping the human race alive, we'd be screwed as I would refuse to house another child in my body.
This week has been especially rough to put it mildly. My hormones are raging like a crazy woman. I keep having these urges of just screaming and yelling and whipping my hair around wildly until I get someones attention. I've been crying a lot and just feeling depressed. These last 2 months might just kill me. I might actually drop dead from being pregnant. I wonder if that's ever happened before?? I'm thinking that maybe my lack of sleep is what's causing these crazy feelings. There's a pain in my upper left side that never goes away. It gets so bad during the day that I can barely breath. My back "went out" if that's what you call it. I can barely walk or shower. And then there's the night I really thought I was dying. I was up for the last 3 nights in a row with the worse heartburn known to mankind. I had been having nose bleeds all day that day and after I finally dosed off for maybe 30 minutes or so I awoke to the most awful taste in my mouth and throat. It was the taste of pure blood, but a lot of it. And mixed with the acid taste threw me into a panic. I ran to the sink and my nose was bleeding everywhere. I seriously thought for a minute that I was bleeding internally and if I had chose to "spit up" it would have been just blood. So of course my body goes into panic mode and I can't even see straight or hear anything. I just know that I'm dying and am at this point contemplating calling 911. I tried to remain calm and convince myself that it was just the nose bleed that had bled down my throat and after a few minutes, I was able to get my breath back and start to calm down. It took me another 2 hours to fall back asleep after that incident and I'm still pretty shaken up. I know, in hindsight, it was ridiculous but maybe because I was so tired or not feeling good, it just honestly felt like the end of the road for me. I was convinced me and my baby were bleeding to death.
I see the Dr. on Monday and I'm pretty sure I haven't gained anymore crazy weight. Especially because the heartburn is so bad all day long that it makes it hard to eat, let alone enjoy anything I'm eating. James and I switched mattresses from the guest bed to our bed and now that is more comfortable. But my body is finding alternate ways to keep me up all night. The worse part of this week has been work. My Dad went on vacation and so I was pretty much left in charge. I've done it before and didn't think it would be a big deal, but we ended up having a very busy week and me being pregnant and uncomfortable made this week completely unbearable. Between having to climb in big trucks and tiny cars to give customers rides every 5 minutes to jumping up and down from my chair to find out what the guys were doing. It was a real handful and probably not the best idea for how pregnant I am. I will definitely be going on vacation the next time he does and let someone else run this zoo. I'm very easily stressed these days and really should be taking better care of myself, but I also stress about what would happen if I wasn't working as much. I know I'm stressed at work too much these days but if I cut back on my hours and pay that would stress me out too. So I've got to figure out a happy balance, if that even exists before my head literally blows up.
There is some good stuff on the horizon though. This weekend is packed with girls' nights and a Halloween party. I'm hoping getting out and being social for a few days will help me get out of this funk. The kids and I will carve our pumpkins this weekend and maybe I can get myself to work some more on Emily's room. But most likely due to how exhausted I am both physically and mentally, I will probably just lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "what the hell just happened".
HOW FAR ALONG: 31 weeks (baby is over 16 inches long and probably weighs close to 4 pds if she's not there already)
SLEEP: Ha!
FOOD CRAVINGS: I usually crave something different every day and as long as I don't indulge in that craving it will disappear within hours.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Falling in love with this child to have some sort of feeling that this was all worth it. Plus, she's moving around so much and sometimes I can feel part of her body sticking out from my stomach so I'm really curious to see what she's all about.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The next 2 months. I'm going to seriously inquire about inducing early.
Love, Diana
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