30 Weeks

I'm not sure how to describe how I've been feeling lately. I really don't like being pregnant though. It feels like I constantly have to worry about what I'm doing, eating, how I'm sleeping, etc. And I'm just generally uncomfortable all the time. My upper stomach is numb, which apparently my Dr. has never heard before but doesn't seemed too concerned about. I have this horrible pain in my side around my ribs that feels like someone is stabbing me and it lasts for hours and hours. The indigestion feels like it's permanently burned a hole in my throat.

I had an unpleasant check up on Monday. Apparently, I'm gaining too much weight too quickly. My Dr. told me to calm down on the eating :( I was so upset when he said this and when I saw that I've put on 5 pds. in two weeks mostly because I'm so miserable, food is the only thing that keeps me remotely happy and to have to "slow down" on pigging out just reminds me of how much I really don't like any of this. I cried and cried and cried and now I feel guilty for anything I eat that I know is high in calories or not healthy. But the other part of me is like "f it!" I get 2 months left and I want to eat whatever I want to eat! But I'm trying to slow down because I know I'll gorge when Halloween and Thanksgiving get here so I need to save some of my pigging out for those two holidays and hopefully my weight gain will slow down a little....Other than that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy but not having any more ultra sounds is making me a little nervous. I can't see her and I don't know what's going on in there. What does she look like? Is she okay? Does she have enough room? I think the Dr. said he can start doing measurements to guesstimate her weight when I'm at 36 weeks so just a little longer and I'll be able to get prepared to give birth to a 20 pd. baby. The one cool thing about my appt. was that there was a Dad there with his 6 week old baby girl. She was SO cute and just slept in his arms and he was telling me a little bit of what I can expect when Emily gets here. But then she started crying, crying like she was being murdered. Apparently she just needed a diaper change but that cry was enough to make me cry. It just was scary realizing that I'll be responsible for a little person and I'll need to know which cry means what and the situation just overwhelmed me beyond belief. I wasn't expecting myself to react that way.

The baby shower is getting close and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to see everyone and celebrate this little muffin in my bellly. I know my sister has been planning up a storm so I can't wait to see what she's done. And we've gotten all the big items now so I feel a lot less stressed. Granted, her crib is still in pieces in the middle of her room but we'll get to it eventually :) I've gotten her stroller, high chair, car seat and playpen and crib. I'm going to use the playpen as her bassinet in our bedroom since it has a little bed thing that sits at the top and is easy to pack up and move.

I feel bad that I bitch a lot about being pregnant. I guess I'm just not good at sharing my body with someone but having James and the kids around reminds me to be happy and excited about a new little one coming into our lives. Joli kisses and hugs my belly all the time and she drew some really cute pictures for Emily to give to her when she gets here. She also wrote her a note that says she loves Emily and she is the best sister ever! I cried it was so sweet. And the baby totally reacts to her Daddy. Any time he's talking in the room or touches my stomach she goes nuts squirming and kicking. Maybe she's already a Daddy's girl....or maybe she just can't stand how loud he is like her Mommy. haha. Either way it's really cute!

All the typical pregnancy stuff that I was hoping was long gone is back in full force. I always feel like crying and if I don't feel like crying, then I actually am crying. I'm also really irritable. Everything gets on my nerves and I can't seem to calm down or relax for two minutes without something annoying me. I can't get comfortable which is annoying and probably what's causing me to be so irritable since I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes. My therapist keeps telling me to stop with the "what if's" but it's hard not to worry 24/7 about what could happen. What if she's a huge crier and I can't handle it and lose my temper? What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't like her?? What if I get post postpartum? What if there's complications when she's born? I know I can't control the "what if's" even if they were to happen but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them anyways. I keep a picture of me on my 1st birthday on my desk at work and look at it often to try and remind myself that I'll have a mini me soon who I'll love and will look like me (maybe) but all I see is her messy face from stuffing it with chocolate cake and wonder "How can I handle all that mess?" I guess you could say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.....


HOW FAR ALONG:  30 weeks (she's probably almost 16 inches long and well over 3 pds)

SLEEP: I know I'm not getting as much as I'd like at this point but I have to realize pretty quickly that I'll soon be getting NO sleep with Emily here.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Food = guilt! That doesn't stop me from eating just makes me feel bad the whole time.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: A break. From work, from life and responsibility. Oh, that's not going to happen??

WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The closer my due date gets, the more I'm starting to worry about labor again. I'm trying to stay positive but I think I'm really just being unrealistic in my expectations.

Love, Diana :)