I felt like I was pregnant FOREVER and now that Emily is here time is just flying by way too fast. I'm already having to think about going back to work and daycare and I can barely stand to spend 2 hours away from my little girl and I barely like to leave her with her Dad, let alone some stranger for an entire day!
I think I may be suffering from some postpartum but nothing too bad. I do tend to cry a lot and am feeling very strange and overwhelmed and vulnerable BUT I'm also the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine or express and I already can't imagine life without her. There's an episode of Family Guy (my favorite show!) where Brian finds out he has a teenage son and all of a sudden news stories of people being hurt/killed or planes crashing, etc. affect him completely different. He says "Oh my God, I can't imagine!" "If my son was on that plane..." and "Until you have a child, you don't know" Me and James still laugh about that episode and mimic it and now it's exactly how I feel. Everything I see, read or hear affects me in a completely different way. I do put myself and my daughter in those situations and freak out at the thought of something bad happening. I can honestly say that if something happened to Emily, I would die. I would literally die. And if not from sadness than by jumping off a bridge. I could not imagine spending one day without her.
As I'm writing this and feeling this, all I can think is "What the hell happened to me??" I never thought I'd fall so hard for this little girl who made me miserable for 9 months. I never thought that cuddling with her would be more important to me than my free time or going out and partying. I've become such a lame ass! Luckily, I haven't lost my potty mouth :) I still think Emily's first word will be an inappropriate four letter one!
Aside from being madly in love with my little girl, life's been hectic! I was used to doing whatever I wanted to do when I wanted and now I've got this thing attached to me 24/7. I don't get to shower or brush my teeth or do dishes or laundry or clean the house unless she's good and ready to be put down for an extended amount of time. I'm working from home and everything I need to do takes me 3 times longer than before. I had to get W2's done this week and had to do so with one hand while my other held a screaming or sleeping baby. And it does get to me at times, having a baby all day long is exhausting. I know people (ie James) think that my job is easy but there is no 8 hour shift and weekends off. There's no lunch breaks. I'm constantly doing something "Mom" related, which is a job. A damn hard one at that!!
Honestly, I don't know how families do it and I understand the divorce rate now. James works at a very high stress job all the way in San Francisco. He gets home after an hour commute and cooks dinner for the two older kids. Then he does showers and teeth and keeps them entertained since I'm on permanent baby duty. Then he does lunches and gets them in bed. How could I possibly ask him to do any more?? Yet, when he gets home, it's almost like I'm jealous that he got to socialize and get out of the house all day and I just need a break from Emily more than anything in the world. I stay up with her every night. I make sure not to wake anyone in the house if she's crying. It's exhausting! Everyone seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep and going about their routines as normal and I'm in this twilight zone of diapers, bottles and sleeping in 2 hour intervals. It can make someone crazy!! And I understand now how new moms can feel isolated and depressed. At the same time, I keep trying to stay positive. I know this hard time will pass by way too quickly and I'll miss it. I'll miss her being so dependent on me and I'll miss her staring into my eyes all day and night. #newmomproblems
I had this vision that my family would see my little girl and fall so madly in love with her that they would never leave her and we would be closer than ever. I pictured my Mom moving back to California right away and my sister moving back too. So far, that hasn't been the case and I understand. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean everyone's world stops, just mine. And realistically, what could I possibly ask of them? I can't ask or expect people to move states away for a baby that's not theirs! Luckily I have wonderful friends and inlaws (yes I consider them my inlaws even though the probability of James and I ever getting married is a 10 out of 100) to help keep me sane and give me breaks when needed. Having a baby is hard! Why anyone has more than one of them is beyond me. I could not imagine doing this if my step kids were still in diapers or were too young to keep themselves entertained unsupervised. I thought motherhood might give me super human strengths to do all the hard stuff Moms of multiple kids have, but I'm pretty bad at it still. The kids are lucky they get fed every morning and get lunches for school. I'm pretty incapable of being a "super mom".
And FYI, the only reason why I'm even able to write this blog is because my beautiful angel is sleeping in her car seat!
So to let you know a little bit of what Emily is doing at 4 weeks old....she's definitely over 9 pounds now but still fits perfectly in all her newborn clothes. I give her baths every other day and she LOVES them. She loves sitting in the warm water and when I pour water over her she smiles. And tries to drink it! She'll smile sometimes but it's always super quick and most of the time it's when she's sleeping. Plus, it's hard to tell if she's really smiling or just gassy. Speaking of gas, this girl is full of it!! You'd think she was made of pee and fart! So far I've only had one "full" poopy diaper and I actually had to cut her onesie off of her with scissors because it was filled with poop and I didn't know how else to get it off without getting poop everywhere! We sleep together every night. I used to be stuck on the couch but now we sleep in bed with James until she wakes up for the first time to be changed and fed, then I'll move into her room and sleep with her in the guest bed. She loves to snuggle with me while sleeping and can somehow sense if I get up and immediately wakes up and starts crying. I am definitely worried about when I move her to her crib to sleep and I know it's probably not the best idea to be sleeping with her but I love it! I love every second of it. I love watching her sleep on her side, hearing the little noises she makes, making eye contact with her when she opens her eyes. She is so so beautiful and I thoroughly enjoy all the mistakes I'm making already :)
For some reason my computer won't upload the pics I want to post of my little love muffin so hopefully my next blog I can show them. And hopefully I can blog again before 3 weeks from now!!
Love, Diana :)
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