I had read about the baby blues the first two weeks after giving birth but the first couple of days I was running on pure adrenaline and happiness that quickly faded into irritation and hopelessness. I cry all the time. I'm not sure why or what I'm crying about but tears seem to be flowing like crazy. I keep telling myself that it's only day 10 since I gave birth and Emily got here and that it's okay to feel this way, but I still have a lot of guilt. Maybe it's cabin fever or lack of sleep too. Don't get me wrong, I'm madly in love with Emily and am able to enjoy my time with her, I just feel weird. Very sad and tired, even if I get plenty of sleep. When she cries I get easily irritated because I don't know what she wants or needs. It's still hard for me to see her so calm with her Dad and have her not be that way with me.
Other than my issues, having a baby has been awesome!! She is already the most important thing in my life and I can't remember what life was like before she got here. I feel extremely overprotective of her and have almost an animal instinct that if someone gets too close, I have to attack! She seems to be growing really quickly. She eats almost twice as much as she should be at her age but she cries and is definitely hungry so I feed her. She sleeps most of the day and is up hysterically crying at night. The first few days were impossible because everyone was coming by the house so much that I couldn't sleep while she slept. It's nice now that the traffic has died down and I can have some quiet bonding time with her. Not to mention I'm not exactly the happiest or most alert person to be around.
Today her umbilical cord fell off. I found it in her diaper and kept it for Daddy to see but it's pretty nasty looking. I don't know if it's really worth it to keep that thing or not. I gave her her 3rd sponge bath and she is so good while I do it!! She always pees though.....
I can't tell if she's smiling yet or not. She makes a lot of faces but I always assume they are gas related. She's really strong too. She always tries to hold her head up and she swings her arms around all the time! She's gotten me in the face a couple of times and even swung my glasses off! She's not much for being swaddled, which is fine with me because I can't figure out how to swaddle good anyways.
I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed. We tried a couple of times once home from the hospital and my milk came in but she was not having it and neither was I! I'm happy for the people that can do it, but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. The downside of course is lots of leaking and painful swollen breasts. They look good though! It was a free temporary boob job! haha
The kids have been spending most of their time with their Mom who left today. They've spent a couple of nights at home since the baby got here but haven't really had to experience nights of lying awake to a screaming baby. I hope it's not too traumatizing for them. I think it's going to be much more traumatizing for me to have to figure out how to juggle school, homework and a newborn. If it weren't for Emily, I would have already gone back to work by now! James is working from home this week and next week and it's so nice to have him here to help on breaks and lunch hours. I'm dreading having to do this on my own.
Again, I feel like I have so much more to write about but I'm too tired and preoccupied to write anything else. Let's just say I'm in love with my new daughter and at this point in time, nothing else matters but her.
Love, Diana :)
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