Holy crap!! I'm 1 cm dilated!! Not that that means anything really, but it's kinda cool. I saw my Dr. yesterday and he said that I could possibly have Emily by next Monday but if not, then we will schedule a day no later than next Thursday for me to be induced. I'm really hoping she comes on her own and I don't have to be induced. I hear it's not really fun and the way he does it includes a catheter so I'm not too stoked about that option. I can't believe it! By next Thursday I will have a BABY!!! I'm living proof that there really should be some sort of license or test or something you have to pass to become a parent. I feel totally clueless about parenting. At least I've had some sort of experience with Jamesy and Joli but they are SO easy it almost doesn't seem real.
I was so freaked out and panicky yesterday before my appt. that I made James leave work to go with me. I call him my Xanax because for some reason I'm so calm around him and feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as he is around. Plus, I knew yesterday would be a big decision day and I really wanted him to be a part of it. Until I heard him say that we should wait one more week I had no idea what I was going to do. It was definitely helpful to have him there to reassure me that we were making the right decision for us and Emily. I've basically been a walking panic attack since last week. I was feeling better late yesterday but I'm back to being a nervous nelly. I'm sure this is normal, especially in this late stage of pregnancy but it's SO awful!! I hate feeling anxious, I've suffered from anxiety for years and years and it's the worse feeling in the world. Having this level of anxiety all day and night is just brutal, so part of me is just ready to get it over with so I can breath a sigh of relief and the other part of me is so scared of her coming into this world that I just want to keep her in my belly forever.
The good part is that now I know she will definitely be here before Xmas so my sister and Mom can have some time with her before they have to go back home. The kids' mom will be here so I'll have some time to get a routine with the baby and hopefully James can take some time off work to help too. I'm mostly just scared of not knowing every little detail of what's to come. What exactly will labor be like? What if I can't handle the pain? What if I get too tired and can't push anymore and they have to give me a c-section? What if something is wrong with Emily?? The fears are endless....
James got me my Xmas present early. I asked for a video camera so I can capture every step with Emily. I will definitely not be doing this again so I don't want to miss a thing and I want it all documented. Plus now that I have it early I will be having James tape a little of the birthing. No vagina shots, but I'd like to have some record of my before and after for Emily to see when she gets older. Plus, Jamesy and Joli do the most hilarious things and I want to be able to capture those moments to hold against them as teenagers :)
I think I get to take some maternity pictures today with Marcie and the kids. That should be fun. I was not going to do it but now I'm thinking I probably will want something to document my time being pregnant and I think it would be nice to have a few pictures of me and the kids too. James is being all weird about his weight (like he's the one whose pregnant and put on 30 plus pounds!!!) so he's not going to partake in the pictures.
My mom has been here for a few days now and that has been a huge help. She went shopping with me on Saturday and has helped with the kids. Yesterday she watched them and picked them up from school and then made a gingerbread house with them too. She put together Emily's swing for me and helped finish up her room. When she's here I really feel like I need a full time nanny. haha I'm so big and tired and it takes me minutes to do anything that I love the help but at the same time, when Emily gets here I'll be tired and delirious from taking care of her 24/7 and I'm worried about what will happen with the kids then. I just hope me and James can juggle the 3 of them in the most productive way possible. Ideally I'd love if I could just get through my thick head that worrying about this stuff is useless. I can handle everything day to day and any situation as it happens but my brain just doesn't work like that...
HOW FAR ALONG: 39 weeks (I'm 1 cm dilated and baby could come - or not - any day now)
SLEEP: The last few days I've felt like a zombie. I can't get enough sleep. It's almost like someone is putting Ambien in my food.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Wow! My food intake has doubled over the last few days. I can't get enough of anything, I just want to stuff my face 24/7.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: All of this anxiety to be over with and to start being a Mom instead of some housing unit for an alien.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: LABOR!!! There has GOT to be a better way to get this child out of me??? Why can't we teleport yet?? Who do I call about that?
Love, Diana :)
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