Wow! I've been so busy I forgot to blog last week and it was an exciting week too! I'm not even sure where to start....
So last Monday I had my first "check" appt. The Dr. did an ultrasound and measured the baby. The ultrasound machine estimated the baby's weight at about 7.5 lbs but my Dr. said it can be off up to a 1 lb, either a lb. less or more. He's estimating Emily is closer to 8 lbs because of the size of my stomach. Once he told me her size I was in shock and completely forgot about all the questions I had to ask him that day. All I kept thinking was that she is still going to get bigger and I still have weeks to go before she gets here and if I don't figure something out ASAP I'm going to be birthing a toddler!! I asked the Dr. if I stopped eating if she would stop gaining, but apparently it doesn't work like that. He also checked my cervix to see if it was thinning at all. And it wasn't, which was kind of a bummer. He could feel her head though, she's dropped and in position and ready to go, but my body is not. I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't feel like a failure. I was just so sure I would be ready well before she was and now knowing my stupid cervix is delaying her arrival is a let down to say the least. The good news was that I had lost a pound, which made me happy :)
The rest of last week was spent with me trying to come up with ways to get my cervix ready and get her good and irritated so she'll want to vacate my stomach. I walked A LOT! Tried to eat some things that I thought would upset her but then I thought "what if this stuff actually works and she comes sooner than I'm ready for!?!?" So I stopped trying so hard and waited until I saw my Dr. again yesterday to find out where I'm at before I do anything too crazy. I had heard of drinking castro oil to start contractions and thought that sounded like a great idea! Until I read up on it and found it's used to induce vomiting and most likely will cause diarrhea. Granted, I want Emily to hurry up and get here but I'm not trying to make myself sick in order to do it! Plus, I was starting to get paranoid that she'd get here before my Mom did and I don't want her to miss this because I'm so impatient :) I also stopped working last week. Well, sorta...Tuesday was my last day but I did have to go in Thursday and Friday for a few hours. I was so looking forward to being off but now all I do is stress about it all day. I was tempted to just go back until I give birth but I realize that the shop will be the same with or without me there and I better just get used to that. I've become SUCH a control freak during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I can let anything go at this point.
So anyways, I saw my Dr. again yesterday early afternoon to be "checked" again. My cervix hasn't thinned at all since last week. I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I guess I was hoping he would say that it was thinning. I just didn't realize how disappointed I would really be if/when he told me my cervix was the same. I don't know why I'm so down on myself for it but I feel like "what is wrong with me!?". Why can't my body catch up with what's going on here? I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes and the indigestion feels like it's literally killing me at this point. How can I be so miserable in this body? The same body that won't give me my baby and some relief!!??
We did discuss inducing. He told me his fool proof plan on how to get the baby out within 24 hours of starting the process and I definitely trust him. I do have a lot of fears though about the birthing process in general. I'm very much not wanting a c-section and I'm scared that might be what happens. I'm scared because I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately that I'll have one in the hospital and won't be able to calm down. All the what if's are just flooding my brain at this point. Again, I know women give birth every day but I honestly feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm so scared of failing at giving birth that I'm just feeling stuck on what I should do. Whether I should just wait and see what happens naturally or if I should schedule a day and be induced. I'm really undecided at this point. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts until I see my Dr. again next Monday but it's hard not too. Especially when Emily is constantly reminding me that she's here and she's huge and is going to kick me and push me in every way possible if I try and forget that.
That brings up a whole other issue too. I've felt so disconnected from her this whole pregnancy and from my body and the last couple of days I've been feeling differently. I notice myself talking to her when we're alone and enjoying feeling her move inside of my belly. I'm scared I'm going to miss these times of it being just her and me. I know what to do to get her going and to get her to quiet down and she knows the same about me. I don't know if I want to lose that bond just yet. Especially since it's so late in the making. I don't want to share her with anyone yet. I hope this is just typical new Mommy stuff that I'm feeling. I guess only time will tell....
Aside from all this new baby news, my life has been pure chaos. We pulled the kids from daycare to save some money while I'm not working full time and I was thinking they were on the same schedules and it would be easy but instead it's crazy! Joli starts at 8:30, then James at 9:30. Jamesy is out at 1:55 and Joli is out at 3:00pm!! What the hell?? Then I've been trying to get the house ready for my Mom to visit and just because it's dirty and needs to be cleaned. That exhausts me way too quickly. Trying to stay up on laundry and wrapping Xmas gifts as they arrive plus working from home when I can. I don't know what I was thinking but I need help and I'm ready to throw in the flag and call it a day by 8am. I'm really hoping having my Mom and sister here plus James' family will help and keep me as stress free as possible. Especially because until Emily gets here, I would like to have SOME time where I'm just relaxing solo and so far that is just not an option....
HOW FAR ALONG: 38 weeks (officially full term and could schedule to be induced as early as next week)
SLEEP: not much but I'm sure tired a lot
FOOD CRAVINGS: Nothing too crazy. Plus, anything I eat makes me feel awful so I don't partake as much as I thought I would at this point.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Emily getting here so I can have my sanity back and stop these panic attacks for a while. Plus, I'm ready to hold and love on my little girl :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Giving up these last few weeks of our alone time together. Giving up being able to do what I want/need as needed to stay on top of things.
Love, Diana :)
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