My little love muffin is 9 months old today. The time has flown by so fast and I'm glad I've been enjoying every second of it (so far). I wouldn't be surprised if she started walking tonight when I get home just because she seems to know every week and month to do something new and exciting to devastate her mom and dad into realizing she's no longer our little newborn :(
I'm so madly in love with Emily. I miss her every day now that I'm working full time. It's nice to do something other than just be around kids all day but I do miss getting stuff done around the house, the lack of stress I felt and the extra sleep I could sneak in :)
I just don't understand how other families do this day in and day out with no end in the near future. If I think about the fact that I still have 18 years before Emily will move out and me and James will finally be alone I think, shit, I won't want to be alone then. What am I going to do at almost 50!? Hopefully James and I will still be up for some fun when they're adults.
My biggest fear of having a baby and being pregnant was not knowing what to expect. Day to day I had no idea what was happening to my body and every day I worry about what will happen to Emily but so far I've gone 9 months with nothing major happening and I feel like once I hit the 1 year mark, I'll be able to breath a little. I remember being around Jamesy when he was a little over a year old and nothing happened that I couldn't handle from that point until now so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky with Emily as I've been with him. Kids stress me out!! I'm paranoid she's going to puke, choke, cry, hurt herself or worse 24/7. I feel like I need to be sedated just to get by each day with out having a panic attack worrying about all the "what ifs". I was really hoping that would have subsided after the pregnancy but now I just worry about other things.
So far James and I are on schedule to have little Ms. Em walking by 10 months. She's so close to being ready. She'll completely stand on her own, one hand supporting her. She'll go to a sitting position from standing and vice versa very easily and quickly now. She just learned to shake her head "no". It's so stinking cute!!! She doesn't know she's saying no obviously but she just shakes her head side to side. The kids and I just laugh and laugh at all the funny cute things she does.
Speaking of the kids, they are so wonderful. I'm so so lucky to have them here enjoying having a baby sister and having Emily enjoy them. She just wants to be wherever her sister is. She crawls to Joli's room ALL the time and wants to watch them play together or watch TV or play video games. She loves to hear them read and gets so giddy the minute she sees her sister or brother. She just adores them and they seem to adore her too. I feel so lucky to have them because they are a huge help when I need to switch over laundry or take a shower. Any time they'll watch Emily for me while I do other things around the house. They help pick out her clothes, help me bath her and get diapers, wipes, food, etc. whenever we ask them to. Jamesy said he's going to teach Emily how to swim, play kickball, brush her teeth without swallowing toothpaste and how to do math. He's so adorable!! And he promised his Dad that he would keep boys away from her when she gets older :)
Of course with all the love and excitement I have over being with Emily, there's the typical downside of being a mother. I constantly feel "left out" to a certain extent of just life in general. I miss being able to run to the store or get a pedicure or do anything quite frankly without having to plan three peoples schedules just to make it happen. As much as I like getting out of the house with the kids, I hate it because it's always harder to take care of a baby somewhere away from home. If she's tired, where will she sleep? If she needs to eat, where will I stop to feed her? Is there a bathroom close by in case she poops or the kids have to go? Does it have a baby changing table!!?? Will the massive stroller fit? It just goes on and on. I miss my time alone sometimes. I miss being able to come home to a quiet, empty house and just doing whatever I want to do. I know that's part of being a mom but it doesn't make it any easier. I see now why they say stay at home moms are some of the most depressed lonely people. I quickly miss adult interaction when I've been with the kids by myself for too long. I get irritated with constantly having people who need me all the time. I don't get "Hey Diana, what can I do for you today?" I get "Diana, I need...." "Diyaya, what's for dinner???" "why is there no clean laundry" "why are the dishes dirty" "Where are my parts" "Did you sell this job, make an appt.?" "Did you do this, do that, etc" It just goes on and on. I'm tempted to start saving for one of those celebrity rehab centers where they go when they're suffering from "exhaustion". I'm at such a low point feeling so worn down, that I don't even think a few hours or day away would revive me enough to keep going. I need a week off. Preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and lots of frozen drinks :)
We are going to a wedding next week in LA for one of James' cousins and Joli gets to be the flower girl. She is so so excited and I'm excited for her and for James' cousin, but all I can think about it having to travel with a baby. Having to shack up in a hotel room with a baby. Trying to find a place to make her bottles and change her diapers and feed her jars of food away from home where it's so convenient and easy. How will the five of us sleep in a hotel room with one bathroom?? I think this is going to be WAY more stressful than fun. James seems to think it's a piece of cake to have a baby anywhere so hopefully he'll be hands on Dad this trip so I can enjoy 5 minutes of it :) And that last statement upsets me....I say things like that and then immediately think it's so selfish of me. I have a baby, I have to learn to buck up and get over it and come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer mine alone and it won't ever be again. And then I beat myself up for feeling that way because somewhere inside I believe that it's okay for me to feel that way and for me to want breaks or need some time off. It's like being at a constant tug of war with my feelings. Nothing I feel is okay to feel and then I get depressed because I still feel that way regardless if it's right or wrong.
But at the end of the day, I'm very happy and I can't complain. I love love my little girl and my beautiful step kids. The three of them are the reason why I am half way decent of a person and why I work so hard. I can't wait to keep seeing how the three of them grow up and see who they'll become and what they'll do with their lives. I just hope I don't fuck them up too much along the way :)
Love, Diana
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
I FINALLY HAVE 5 MINUTES!!!
Wow oh wow. I can't believe I finally have 5 minutes and a computer to write a blog post! There has been so much going on that I can't even think to include but I'll put in the most important details of my little love muffin.
Emily is now 8 months old (as of last Saturday) and just the sweetest, greatest child anyone could possibly ask for. Seriously she is so perfect that I can't believe I'm so lucky to have her as my child. She is happy all the time, amazingly smart and funny and beautiful. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and I can't wait for all the years to come and to see what kind of girl she will grow up to be. I'm hoping she will have my patience and sense of humor and her Dads smarts and self confidence.
At about 6 months she was able to sit up on her own but she wasn't a big fan of it and would make herself fall back over to her tummy or back. Shortly after that she started sprouting teeth and has her two front bottom teeth and two upper K9 teeth popping through. She didn't suffer from teething at all (so far!) No fever, no crankiness or lack of sleep or appetite. She was a trooper :) And she also around that time started to do the army crawl. She won't get up on all fours to crawl but she scoots her body with her hands and legs all over the floor. By 7 months she was a pro at it and can scoot from one part of the family room to other in a blink of an eye. Now a days she's sitting up by herself and starting to crawl the steps a little bit. She can now crawl to a standing position by holding onto the couch or a table or someone's legs. She's such a big girl and the time has just flown by. One night she figured out how to crawl two steps to the kitchen area from the family room and we all stood around watching and as soon as she made it up we started clapping and yelling and she freaked out because we were so loud and in her face that she started crying. It was so cute!
I wish I could just stop time for a little bit so I can continue to enjoy every stage that she enters. It feels like every Monday she knows she's supposed to be doing something new and she does! Before I can grasp every little change, she starts doing something else exciting. It's so fun to see but also a bummer because my little baby is no longer a baby. She is growing into a toddler quicker than I'm ready for :(
She started saying dada over and over and nana over and over at around 6 to 6 1/2 months. Now she started with actual googoo and gagas. She doesn't know she's saying anyones name but it's nice to pretend she's calling for me when I hear mamama. But she is smart enough to know if you say "where's sister" to look around the room for Joli and same with big brother and Mommy and Daddy. She loves to grab everything and I mean EVERYTHING to see what it does, feels like, tastes like, etc. And she will stick anything in her mouth that fits. She's starting to figure out the noises she can make by slamming two toys together or throwing them. She does this cute little thing with her hands and fingers like she can't believe that she's making them move a certain way. She still loves bath time and loves to smack the water and splash it all over the tub (and her Mommy!). She's always on the move. She wants to crawl everywhere and grab at everything she can. Cell phones, ipads and remote controls are her favorite :)
We started her on jar baby food a little after her 6 month mark. I had a hard time because it was so messy and proved she was a big girl so I was hesitant but it was quickly obvious to me and everyone around that she was ready for big girl food and she wants plenty of it!! She's now up to 3 or more jars per day plus her bottles in between and at bed time. She's a moose!!! I'm constantly running to the store to get more formula or baby food. But she's gotten so good at eating jar food that she doesn't even need a bib anymore.
Everything she does is so stinking adorable I can hardly take it. She wakes up happy and giggly and entertains herself in her crib until someone comes to get her. The only time she gets upset is if she's really really hungry or wants to play with something she's not supposed to play with and you take it away. I hope she will always be so happy and carefree. Wish I could say the same for myself! hahaha
Being a Mom is so much harder than I could have imagined, and that's with giving birth to the perfect child! ;) I can't imagine how other Moms handle colicky babies or multiple kids in diapers. I feel exhausted, pulled in a hundred directions and confused 99% of the day. I can't focus at work like I used to and I can't focus at home like I used to. I find myself getting irritated and depressed a lot of the time because I can't accomplish what was so easy for me a year ago, today. I also feel like I have a new priority and importance in my life that far exceeds any importance I put into other aspects of my life. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I will have a certain feeling about a situation or person and instead of keeping it to myself, I will actually verbalize my issue. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super passive aggressive and keep 90% of my issues to myself but sometimes I will buck up and say something. It's like something switched in my brain and I'm just not willing to put up with any bullshit. I'm a Mom now! I have and will continue to bear unthinkable things and new scary ventures every day of my life, I could give a rats ass about confrontation.
I feel like there's so many more milestones I'm leaving out with Emily but none of them are negative. She is so happy and smiley and lovey all the time. I love just being with her. Don't get me wrong, I could always use a break. Even the perfect baby is still a baby and it's hard work 24/7 but when I'm not with her I'm anxious to be with her and when I'm with her for an extended amount of time, I get anxious for a break! hahaha
The only negative about being a new Mom is having to come to terms with other people not loving her like I do. Obviously no one loves their child like their Mom, but I was expecting such a different response by people close to me that it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that those dreams will never be realized. Sometimes I want to tell these people to do more, see her more, offer to help and then the other part of me knows that I can't force anyone to do anything or feel a certain way. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to realize that it will be their loss because Emily is such an amazing baby girl and I get to experience every last part of her life with her while others will miss out on that relationship.
I'm hoping to be able to blog at least once a month, especially now that I'll be back to work full time in the next two weeks I should be able to get more accomplished day to day. Either that or my next blog will be a suicide note because I can't take all the responsibility. hahaha
Emily is now 8 months old (as of last Saturday) and just the sweetest, greatest child anyone could possibly ask for. Seriously she is so perfect that I can't believe I'm so lucky to have her as my child. She is happy all the time, amazingly smart and funny and beautiful. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and I can't wait for all the years to come and to see what kind of girl she will grow up to be. I'm hoping she will have my patience and sense of humor and her Dads smarts and self confidence.
At about 6 months she was able to sit up on her own but she wasn't a big fan of it and would make herself fall back over to her tummy or back. Shortly after that she started sprouting teeth and has her two front bottom teeth and two upper K9 teeth popping through. She didn't suffer from teething at all (so far!) No fever, no crankiness or lack of sleep or appetite. She was a trooper :) And she also around that time started to do the army crawl. She won't get up on all fours to crawl but she scoots her body with her hands and legs all over the floor. By 7 months she was a pro at it and can scoot from one part of the family room to other in a blink of an eye. Now a days she's sitting up by herself and starting to crawl the steps a little bit. She can now crawl to a standing position by holding onto the couch or a table or someone's legs. She's such a big girl and the time has just flown by. One night she figured out how to crawl two steps to the kitchen area from the family room and we all stood around watching and as soon as she made it up we started clapping and yelling and she freaked out because we were so loud and in her face that she started crying. It was so cute!
I wish I could just stop time for a little bit so I can continue to enjoy every stage that she enters. It feels like every Monday she knows she's supposed to be doing something new and she does! Before I can grasp every little change, she starts doing something else exciting. It's so fun to see but also a bummer because my little baby is no longer a baby. She is growing into a toddler quicker than I'm ready for :(
She started saying dada over and over and nana over and over at around 6 to 6 1/2 months. Now she started with actual googoo and gagas. She doesn't know she's saying anyones name but it's nice to pretend she's calling for me when I hear mamama. But she is smart enough to know if you say "where's sister" to look around the room for Joli and same with big brother and Mommy and Daddy. She loves to grab everything and I mean EVERYTHING to see what it does, feels like, tastes like, etc. And she will stick anything in her mouth that fits. She's starting to figure out the noises she can make by slamming two toys together or throwing them. She does this cute little thing with her hands and fingers like she can't believe that she's making them move a certain way. She still loves bath time and loves to smack the water and splash it all over the tub (and her Mommy!). She's always on the move. She wants to crawl everywhere and grab at everything she can. Cell phones, ipads and remote controls are her favorite :)
We started her on jar baby food a little after her 6 month mark. I had a hard time because it was so messy and proved she was a big girl so I was hesitant but it was quickly obvious to me and everyone around that she was ready for big girl food and she wants plenty of it!! She's now up to 3 or more jars per day plus her bottles in between and at bed time. She's a moose!!! I'm constantly running to the store to get more formula or baby food. But she's gotten so good at eating jar food that she doesn't even need a bib anymore.
Everything she does is so stinking adorable I can hardly take it. She wakes up happy and giggly and entertains herself in her crib until someone comes to get her. The only time she gets upset is if she's really really hungry or wants to play with something she's not supposed to play with and you take it away. I hope she will always be so happy and carefree. Wish I could say the same for myself! hahaha
Being a Mom is so much harder than I could have imagined, and that's with giving birth to the perfect child! ;) I can't imagine how other Moms handle colicky babies or multiple kids in diapers. I feel exhausted, pulled in a hundred directions and confused 99% of the day. I can't focus at work like I used to and I can't focus at home like I used to. I find myself getting irritated and depressed a lot of the time because I can't accomplish what was so easy for me a year ago, today. I also feel like I have a new priority and importance in my life that far exceeds any importance I put into other aspects of my life. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I will have a certain feeling about a situation or person and instead of keeping it to myself, I will actually verbalize my issue. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super passive aggressive and keep 90% of my issues to myself but sometimes I will buck up and say something. It's like something switched in my brain and I'm just not willing to put up with any bullshit. I'm a Mom now! I have and will continue to bear unthinkable things and new scary ventures every day of my life, I could give a rats ass about confrontation.
I feel like there's so many more milestones I'm leaving out with Emily but none of them are negative. She is so happy and smiley and lovey all the time. I love just being with her. Don't get me wrong, I could always use a break. Even the perfect baby is still a baby and it's hard work 24/7 but when I'm not with her I'm anxious to be with her and when I'm with her for an extended amount of time, I get anxious for a break! hahaha
The only negative about being a new Mom is having to come to terms with other people not loving her like I do. Obviously no one loves their child like their Mom, but I was expecting such a different response by people close to me that it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that those dreams will never be realized. Sometimes I want to tell these people to do more, see her more, offer to help and then the other part of me knows that I can't force anyone to do anything or feel a certain way. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to realize that it will be their loss because Emily is such an amazing baby girl and I get to experience every last part of her life with her while others will miss out on that relationship.
I'm hoping to be able to blog at least once a month, especially now that I'll be back to work full time in the next two weeks I should be able to get more accomplished day to day. Either that or my next blog will be a suicide note because I can't take all the responsibility. hahaha
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
4 Months and 2 Weeks!
I have the best child ever! I love her so much more every day that I feel like I'm going to explode! I feel so differently about life and now my only regret is that I didn't have a baby years ago. She is my everything. I get now why people have more than 1 kid. It's addicting, like getting a tattoo. One is never enough. But...I think 3 kids in our house is plenty.
A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.
Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?
Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)
Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!
My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.
I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.
Love, Diana :)
A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.
Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?
Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)
Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!
My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.
I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.
Love, Diana :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
3 Months and 3 Weeks Old....
My little angel is changing right before my eyes. I feel like one day I'm going to turn around and she'll be walking and talking. Everyone was right! It goes by so fast....
She likes to "talk" more, mostly when she's on her playmat. James and I have started putting her in her crib that's in our room at night and she still sleeps through the night in there. She will wake up a few times for her binky but then falls right back asleep. It's nice to have our bed back but I do worry about her. Sometimes I'll wake up and just go look at her to make sure she's still breathing. hahaha.
So this week is my last week off before I go back to work. I will be starting part time which is nice and not so intimidating but I'm still a little nervous. I mean, how am I going to go back to getting the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn and now having a baby to take care of all while trying to get myself ready for work and getting everyone dropped off at their different day cares and then get to Lafayette by 8am!!!?? To say I feel a little overwhelmed is an understatement. I know I'll get into a routine like I have since being home with all three kids but having to add myself to the mix is going to be a challenge. I feel like I should be doing something exciting my last week off but I don't even know what to do with myself and Emily. Plus, I still have the kids to drop off and pick up every couple of hours so I can't really go anywhere. Plus, this is the week to tie up any loose ends before my life goes to chaos. I have no concept of how any person can survive as a single parent. Aside from finances, taking care of kids is hard work! I would run away if I had to do this all by myself!
Thankfully I am extremely lucky. My family may not be around on a day to day basis, but James' is. His parents and brother and sister in law are all amazing!! They take the kids for us all the time. If I ever need an afternoon to get something done or want to make plans, Nana is always there to help me out. This last weekend she took all 3 kids for a sleepover at her house! It was so nice to have a night off and sleep in bed without worrying about the baby. Only having myself to worry about in the morning. Me and James have had more date nights and alone time since Emily got here than we did before! It's made every transition I've been going through so much easier. I feel bad for my family though. Not seeing Emily on a weekly basis would be torture for me! I know she's my baby and I'm biased that she's perfect but I just don't get how my parents don't see her more. She's their first born grandchild and she's pretty amazing if I may say so myself. But it is what it is and Emily has LOTS of people who love her and she is very lucky to have so many great people in her life.
Emotionally I've been feeling a lot better. I think I've been very lucky to have a nice balance in my life of fun and responsibility. I make sure to go out with my friends when I know I need to and James and I have lots of great times together too, plus we do lots of great family stuff. I feel pretty secure with my choices and how things are turning out.
The best thing ever was everyone in the house got sick. The kids had awful fevers for days and really bad colds. Jamesy even threw up a few times. Then James got it and I was next. Every minute I felt like crap was clouded with fear that Emily was next. But amazingly enough, after 2 weeks we are all better and she never showed any signs of a cold :) How lucky am I!? I know I can't avoid it forever but my anxiety and fear of the family being sick makes me physically sick so I was happy to avoid it this time around.
Emily shows signs of a personality every day. She's more alert and happy and is starting to hold her toys a little bit. I can tell she wants to get up and start walking and doing her own thing but her body won't move with her. I can't wait to see how she grows :)
Love, Diana :)
She likes to "talk" more, mostly when she's on her playmat. James and I have started putting her in her crib that's in our room at night and she still sleeps through the night in there. She will wake up a few times for her binky but then falls right back asleep. It's nice to have our bed back but I do worry about her. Sometimes I'll wake up and just go look at her to make sure she's still breathing. hahaha.
So this week is my last week off before I go back to work. I will be starting part time which is nice and not so intimidating but I'm still a little nervous. I mean, how am I going to go back to getting the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn and now having a baby to take care of all while trying to get myself ready for work and getting everyone dropped off at their different day cares and then get to Lafayette by 8am!!!?? To say I feel a little overwhelmed is an understatement. I know I'll get into a routine like I have since being home with all three kids but having to add myself to the mix is going to be a challenge. I feel like I should be doing something exciting my last week off but I don't even know what to do with myself and Emily. Plus, I still have the kids to drop off and pick up every couple of hours so I can't really go anywhere. Plus, this is the week to tie up any loose ends before my life goes to chaos. I have no concept of how any person can survive as a single parent. Aside from finances, taking care of kids is hard work! I would run away if I had to do this all by myself!
Thankfully I am extremely lucky. My family may not be around on a day to day basis, but James' is. His parents and brother and sister in law are all amazing!! They take the kids for us all the time. If I ever need an afternoon to get something done or want to make plans, Nana is always there to help me out. This last weekend she took all 3 kids for a sleepover at her house! It was so nice to have a night off and sleep in bed without worrying about the baby. Only having myself to worry about in the morning. Me and James have had more date nights and alone time since Emily got here than we did before! It's made every transition I've been going through so much easier. I feel bad for my family though. Not seeing Emily on a weekly basis would be torture for me! I know she's my baby and I'm biased that she's perfect but I just don't get how my parents don't see her more. She's their first born grandchild and she's pretty amazing if I may say so myself. But it is what it is and Emily has LOTS of people who love her and she is very lucky to have so many great people in her life.
Emotionally I've been feeling a lot better. I think I've been very lucky to have a nice balance in my life of fun and responsibility. I make sure to go out with my friends when I know I need to and James and I have lots of great times together too, plus we do lots of great family stuff. I feel pretty secure with my choices and how things are turning out.
The best thing ever was everyone in the house got sick. The kids had awful fevers for days and really bad colds. Jamesy even threw up a few times. Then James got it and I was next. Every minute I felt like crap was clouded with fear that Emily was next. But amazingly enough, after 2 weeks we are all better and she never showed any signs of a cold :) How lucky am I!? I know I can't avoid it forever but my anxiety and fear of the family being sick makes me physically sick so I was happy to avoid it this time around.
Emily shows signs of a personality every day. She's more alert and happy and is starting to hold her toys a little bit. I can tell she wants to get up and start walking and doing her own thing but her body won't move with her. I can't wait to see how she grows :)
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I don't know what week anymore.....
I'm done counting weeks. I can't remember the last time I blogged or how old Emily is at this point. Right now she's sitting in her new Bumbo (AKA the greatest invention ever!) and farting. Yep, she's a gasser!! Rips butt all day long and in her sleep at night....cute! And she figured out how to drool, so her clothes are constantly soaked and sometimes mine are too. However, she is the cutest thing on this planet as far as I'm concerned and nothing she could possibly do would convince me otherwise.
I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!
She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.
My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!
And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......
Love, Diana :)
I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!
She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.
My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!
And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Week 7,8,9.......to eternity
Wow, I get no time to even think of blogging anymore. Luckily Emily was so cranky she spent a good hour crying because I wouldn't hold her and tired herself out. If she naps more than 5 minutes I might actually get to write something!
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Week 6.....Back to work??
I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
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