I had read about the baby blues the first two weeks after giving birth but the first couple of days I was running on pure adrenaline and happiness that quickly faded into irritation and hopelessness. I cry all the time. I'm not sure why or what I'm crying about but tears seem to be flowing like crazy. I keep telling myself that it's only day 10 since I gave birth and Emily got here and that it's okay to feel this way, but I still have a lot of guilt. Maybe it's cabin fever or lack of sleep too. Don't get me wrong, I'm madly in love with Emily and am able to enjoy my time with her, I just feel weird. Very sad and tired, even if I get plenty of sleep. When she cries I get easily irritated because I don't know what she wants or needs. It's still hard for me to see her so calm with her Dad and have her not be that way with me.
Other than my issues, having a baby has been awesome!! She is already the most important thing in my life and I can't remember what life was like before she got here. I feel extremely overprotective of her and have almost an animal instinct that if someone gets too close, I have to attack! She seems to be growing really quickly. She eats almost twice as much as she should be at her age but she cries and is definitely hungry so I feed her. She sleeps most of the day and is up hysterically crying at night. The first few days were impossible because everyone was coming by the house so much that I couldn't sleep while she slept. It's nice now that the traffic has died down and I can have some quiet bonding time with her. Not to mention I'm not exactly the happiest or most alert person to be around.
Today her umbilical cord fell off. I found it in her diaper and kept it for Daddy to see but it's pretty nasty looking. I don't know if it's really worth it to keep that thing or not. I gave her her 3rd sponge bath and she is so good while I do it!! She always pees though.....
I can't tell if she's smiling yet or not. She makes a lot of faces but I always assume they are gas related. She's really strong too. She always tries to hold her head up and she swings her arms around all the time! She's gotten me in the face a couple of times and even swung my glasses off! She's not much for being swaddled, which is fine with me because I can't figure out how to swaddle good anyways.
I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed. We tried a couple of times once home from the hospital and my milk came in but she was not having it and neither was I! I'm happy for the people that can do it, but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. The downside of course is lots of leaking and painful swollen breasts. They look good though! It was a free temporary boob job! haha
The kids have been spending most of their time with their Mom who left today. They've spent a couple of nights at home since the baby got here but haven't really had to experience nights of lying awake to a screaming baby. I hope it's not too traumatizing for them. I think it's going to be much more traumatizing for me to have to figure out how to juggle school, homework and a newborn. If it weren't for Emily, I would have already gone back to work by now! James is working from home this week and next week and it's so nice to have him here to help on breaks and lunch hours. I'm dreading having to do this on my own.
Again, I feel like I have so much more to write about but I'm too tired and preoccupied to write anything else. Let's just say I'm in love with my new daughter and at this point in time, nothing else matters but her.
Love, Diana :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Week 40....BABY IS HERE!!!
Wow, wow and wow!!! So much to report and I don't even know if I have the time or energy but I'll try to get everything out in 1 post.
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Okay, there's so much more I want to say but it took me 4 hours just to write this much so I'm sure next week's blog will be just as long (or longer) and I'm sure I'll keep doing this because being a Mother is sure to be an adventure like one I've never experienced and I'm sure I'll have lots of more tears (happy and sad) and more whining to do. Let's face it, I'm still Diana! Here's a picture of my beautiful new love, Emily Ann DeLucia :)
Love, Diana
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Love, Diana
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Week 39
Holy crap!! I'm 1 cm dilated!! Not that that means anything really, but it's kinda cool. I saw my Dr. yesterday and he said that I could possibly have Emily by next Monday but if not, then we will schedule a day no later than next Thursday for me to be induced. I'm really hoping she comes on her own and I don't have to be induced. I hear it's not really fun and the way he does it includes a catheter so I'm not too stoked about that option. I can't believe it! By next Thursday I will have a BABY!!! I'm living proof that there really should be some sort of license or test or something you have to pass to become a parent. I feel totally clueless about parenting. At least I've had some sort of experience with Jamesy and Joli but they are SO easy it almost doesn't seem real.
I was so freaked out and panicky yesterday before my appt. that I made James leave work to go with me. I call him my Xanax because for some reason I'm so calm around him and feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as he is around. Plus, I knew yesterday would be a big decision day and I really wanted him to be a part of it. Until I heard him say that we should wait one more week I had no idea what I was going to do. It was definitely helpful to have him there to reassure me that we were making the right decision for us and Emily. I've basically been a walking panic attack since last week. I was feeling better late yesterday but I'm back to being a nervous nelly. I'm sure this is normal, especially in this late stage of pregnancy but it's SO awful!! I hate feeling anxious, I've suffered from anxiety for years and years and it's the worse feeling in the world. Having this level of anxiety all day and night is just brutal, so part of me is just ready to get it over with so I can breath a sigh of relief and the other part of me is so scared of her coming into this world that I just want to keep her in my belly forever.
The good part is that now I know she will definitely be here before Xmas so my sister and Mom can have some time with her before they have to go back home. The kids' mom will be here so I'll have some time to get a routine with the baby and hopefully James can take some time off work to help too. I'm mostly just scared of not knowing every little detail of what's to come. What exactly will labor be like? What if I can't handle the pain? What if I get too tired and can't push anymore and they have to give me a c-section? What if something is wrong with Emily?? The fears are endless....
James got me my Xmas present early. I asked for a video camera so I can capture every step with Emily. I will definitely not be doing this again so I don't want to miss a thing and I want it all documented. Plus now that I have it early I will be having James tape a little of the birthing. No vagina shots, but I'd like to have some record of my before and after for Emily to see when she gets older. Plus, Jamesy and Joli do the most hilarious things and I want to be able to capture those moments to hold against them as teenagers :)
I think I get to take some maternity pictures today with Marcie and the kids. That should be fun. I was not going to do it but now I'm thinking I probably will want something to document my time being pregnant and I think it would be nice to have a few pictures of me and the kids too. James is being all weird about his weight (like he's the one whose pregnant and put on 30 plus pounds!!!) so he's not going to partake in the pictures.
My mom has been here for a few days now and that has been a huge help. She went shopping with me on Saturday and has helped with the kids. Yesterday she watched them and picked them up from school and then made a gingerbread house with them too. She put together Emily's swing for me and helped finish up her room. When she's here I really feel like I need a full time nanny. haha I'm so big and tired and it takes me minutes to do anything that I love the help but at the same time, when Emily gets here I'll be tired and delirious from taking care of her 24/7 and I'm worried about what will happen with the kids then. I just hope me and James can juggle the 3 of them in the most productive way possible. Ideally I'd love if I could just get through my thick head that worrying about this stuff is useless. I can handle everything day to day and any situation as it happens but my brain just doesn't work like that...
HOW FAR ALONG: 39 weeks (I'm 1 cm dilated and baby could come - or not - any day now)
SLEEP: The last few days I've felt like a zombie. I can't get enough sleep. It's almost like someone is putting Ambien in my food.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Wow! My food intake has doubled over the last few days. I can't get enough of anything, I just want to stuff my face 24/7.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: All of this anxiety to be over with and to start being a Mom instead of some housing unit for an alien.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: LABOR!!! There has GOT to be a better way to get this child out of me??? Why can't we teleport yet?? Who do I call about that?
Love, Diana :)
I was so freaked out and panicky yesterday before my appt. that I made James leave work to go with me. I call him my Xanax because for some reason I'm so calm around him and feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as he is around. Plus, I knew yesterday would be a big decision day and I really wanted him to be a part of it. Until I heard him say that we should wait one more week I had no idea what I was going to do. It was definitely helpful to have him there to reassure me that we were making the right decision for us and Emily. I've basically been a walking panic attack since last week. I was feeling better late yesterday but I'm back to being a nervous nelly. I'm sure this is normal, especially in this late stage of pregnancy but it's SO awful!! I hate feeling anxious, I've suffered from anxiety for years and years and it's the worse feeling in the world. Having this level of anxiety all day and night is just brutal, so part of me is just ready to get it over with so I can breath a sigh of relief and the other part of me is so scared of her coming into this world that I just want to keep her in my belly forever.
The good part is that now I know she will definitely be here before Xmas so my sister and Mom can have some time with her before they have to go back home. The kids' mom will be here so I'll have some time to get a routine with the baby and hopefully James can take some time off work to help too. I'm mostly just scared of not knowing every little detail of what's to come. What exactly will labor be like? What if I can't handle the pain? What if I get too tired and can't push anymore and they have to give me a c-section? What if something is wrong with Emily?? The fears are endless....
James got me my Xmas present early. I asked for a video camera so I can capture every step with Emily. I will definitely not be doing this again so I don't want to miss a thing and I want it all documented. Plus now that I have it early I will be having James tape a little of the birthing. No vagina shots, but I'd like to have some record of my before and after for Emily to see when she gets older. Plus, Jamesy and Joli do the most hilarious things and I want to be able to capture those moments to hold against them as teenagers :)
I think I get to take some maternity pictures today with Marcie and the kids. That should be fun. I was not going to do it but now I'm thinking I probably will want something to document my time being pregnant and I think it would be nice to have a few pictures of me and the kids too. James is being all weird about his weight (like he's the one whose pregnant and put on 30 plus pounds!!!) so he's not going to partake in the pictures.
My mom has been here for a few days now and that has been a huge help. She went shopping with me on Saturday and has helped with the kids. Yesterday she watched them and picked them up from school and then made a gingerbread house with them too. She put together Emily's swing for me and helped finish up her room. When she's here I really feel like I need a full time nanny. haha I'm so big and tired and it takes me minutes to do anything that I love the help but at the same time, when Emily gets here I'll be tired and delirious from taking care of her 24/7 and I'm worried about what will happen with the kids then. I just hope me and James can juggle the 3 of them in the most productive way possible. Ideally I'd love if I could just get through my thick head that worrying about this stuff is useless. I can handle everything day to day and any situation as it happens but my brain just doesn't work like that...
HOW FAR ALONG: 39 weeks (I'm 1 cm dilated and baby could come - or not - any day now)
SLEEP: The last few days I've felt like a zombie. I can't get enough sleep. It's almost like someone is putting Ambien in my food.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Wow! My food intake has doubled over the last few days. I can't get enough of anything, I just want to stuff my face 24/7.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: All of this anxiety to be over with and to start being a Mom instead of some housing unit for an alien.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: LABOR!!! There has GOT to be a better way to get this child out of me??? Why can't we teleport yet?? Who do I call about that?
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Weeks 37 and 38.....I'm losing track of days and time
Wow! I've been so busy I forgot to blog last week and it was an exciting week too! I'm not even sure where to start....
So last Monday I had my first "check" appt. The Dr. did an ultrasound and measured the baby. The ultrasound machine estimated the baby's weight at about 7.5 lbs but my Dr. said it can be off up to a 1 lb, either a lb. less or more. He's estimating Emily is closer to 8 lbs because of the size of my stomach. Once he told me her size I was in shock and completely forgot about all the questions I had to ask him that day. All I kept thinking was that she is still going to get bigger and I still have weeks to go before she gets here and if I don't figure something out ASAP I'm going to be birthing a toddler!! I asked the Dr. if I stopped eating if she would stop gaining, but apparently it doesn't work like that. He also checked my cervix to see if it was thinning at all. And it wasn't, which was kind of a bummer. He could feel her head though, she's dropped and in position and ready to go, but my body is not. I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't feel like a failure. I was just so sure I would be ready well before she was and now knowing my stupid cervix is delaying her arrival is a let down to say the least. The good news was that I had lost a pound, which made me happy :)
The rest of last week was spent with me trying to come up with ways to get my cervix ready and get her good and irritated so she'll want to vacate my stomach. I walked A LOT! Tried to eat some things that I thought would upset her but then I thought "what if this stuff actually works and she comes sooner than I'm ready for!?!?" So I stopped trying so hard and waited until I saw my Dr. again yesterday to find out where I'm at before I do anything too crazy. I had heard of drinking castro oil to start contractions and thought that sounded like a great idea! Until I read up on it and found it's used to induce vomiting and most likely will cause diarrhea. Granted, I want Emily to hurry up and get here but I'm not trying to make myself sick in order to do it! Plus, I was starting to get paranoid that she'd get here before my Mom did and I don't want her to miss this because I'm so impatient :) I also stopped working last week. Well, sorta...Tuesday was my last day but I did have to go in Thursday and Friday for a few hours. I was so looking forward to being off but now all I do is stress about it all day. I was tempted to just go back until I give birth but I realize that the shop will be the same with or without me there and I better just get used to that. I've become SUCH a control freak during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I can let anything go at this point.
So anyways, I saw my Dr. again yesterday early afternoon to be "checked" again. My cervix hasn't thinned at all since last week. I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I guess I was hoping he would say that it was thinning. I just didn't realize how disappointed I would really be if/when he told me my cervix was the same. I don't know why I'm so down on myself for it but I feel like "what is wrong with me!?". Why can't my body catch up with what's going on here? I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes and the indigestion feels like it's literally killing me at this point. How can I be so miserable in this body? The same body that won't give me my baby and some relief!!??
We did discuss inducing. He told me his fool proof plan on how to get the baby out within 24 hours of starting the process and I definitely trust him. I do have a lot of fears though about the birthing process in general. I'm very much not wanting a c-section and I'm scared that might be what happens. I'm scared because I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately that I'll have one in the hospital and won't be able to calm down. All the what if's are just flooding my brain at this point. Again, I know women give birth every day but I honestly feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm so scared of failing at giving birth that I'm just feeling stuck on what I should do. Whether I should just wait and see what happens naturally or if I should schedule a day and be induced. I'm really undecided at this point. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts until I see my Dr. again next Monday but it's hard not too. Especially when Emily is constantly reminding me that she's here and she's huge and is going to kick me and push me in every way possible if I try and forget that.
That brings up a whole other issue too. I've felt so disconnected from her this whole pregnancy and from my body and the last couple of days I've been feeling differently. I notice myself talking to her when we're alone and enjoying feeling her move inside of my belly. I'm scared I'm going to miss these times of it being just her and me. I know what to do to get her going and to get her to quiet down and she knows the same about me. I don't know if I want to lose that bond just yet. Especially since it's so late in the making. I don't want to share her with anyone yet. I hope this is just typical new Mommy stuff that I'm feeling. I guess only time will tell....
Aside from all this new baby news, my life has been pure chaos. We pulled the kids from daycare to save some money while I'm not working full time and I was thinking they were on the same schedules and it would be easy but instead it's crazy! Joli starts at 8:30, then James at 9:30. Jamesy is out at 1:55 and Joli is out at 3:00pm!! What the hell?? Then I've been trying to get the house ready for my Mom to visit and just because it's dirty and needs to be cleaned. That exhausts me way too quickly. Trying to stay up on laundry and wrapping Xmas gifts as they arrive plus working from home when I can. I don't know what I was thinking but I need help and I'm ready to throw in the flag and call it a day by 8am. I'm really hoping having my Mom and sister here plus James' family will help and keep me as stress free as possible. Especially because until Emily gets here, I would like to have SOME time where I'm just relaxing solo and so far that is just not an option....
HOW FAR ALONG: 38 weeks (officially full term and could schedule to be induced as early as next week)
SLEEP: not much but I'm sure tired a lot
FOOD CRAVINGS: Nothing too crazy. Plus, anything I eat makes me feel awful so I don't partake as much as I thought I would at this point.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Emily getting here so I can have my sanity back and stop these panic attacks for a while. Plus, I'm ready to hold and love on my little girl :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Giving up these last few weeks of our alone time together. Giving up being able to do what I want/need as needed to stay on top of things.
Love, Diana :)
So last Monday I had my first "check" appt. The Dr. did an ultrasound and measured the baby. The ultrasound machine estimated the baby's weight at about 7.5 lbs but my Dr. said it can be off up to a 1 lb, either a lb. less or more. He's estimating Emily is closer to 8 lbs because of the size of my stomach. Once he told me her size I was in shock and completely forgot about all the questions I had to ask him that day. All I kept thinking was that she is still going to get bigger and I still have weeks to go before she gets here and if I don't figure something out ASAP I'm going to be birthing a toddler!! I asked the Dr. if I stopped eating if she would stop gaining, but apparently it doesn't work like that. He also checked my cervix to see if it was thinning at all. And it wasn't, which was kind of a bummer. He could feel her head though, she's dropped and in position and ready to go, but my body is not. I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't feel like a failure. I was just so sure I would be ready well before she was and now knowing my stupid cervix is delaying her arrival is a let down to say the least. The good news was that I had lost a pound, which made me happy :)
The rest of last week was spent with me trying to come up with ways to get my cervix ready and get her good and irritated so she'll want to vacate my stomach. I walked A LOT! Tried to eat some things that I thought would upset her but then I thought "what if this stuff actually works and she comes sooner than I'm ready for!?!?" So I stopped trying so hard and waited until I saw my Dr. again yesterday to find out where I'm at before I do anything too crazy. I had heard of drinking castro oil to start contractions and thought that sounded like a great idea! Until I read up on it and found it's used to induce vomiting and most likely will cause diarrhea. Granted, I want Emily to hurry up and get here but I'm not trying to make myself sick in order to do it! Plus, I was starting to get paranoid that she'd get here before my Mom did and I don't want her to miss this because I'm so impatient :) I also stopped working last week. Well, sorta...Tuesday was my last day but I did have to go in Thursday and Friday for a few hours. I was so looking forward to being off but now all I do is stress about it all day. I was tempted to just go back until I give birth but I realize that the shop will be the same with or without me there and I better just get used to that. I've become SUCH a control freak during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I can let anything go at this point.
So anyways, I saw my Dr. again yesterday early afternoon to be "checked" again. My cervix hasn't thinned at all since last week. I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I guess I was hoping he would say that it was thinning. I just didn't realize how disappointed I would really be if/when he told me my cervix was the same. I don't know why I'm so down on myself for it but I feel like "what is wrong with me!?". Why can't my body catch up with what's going on here? I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes and the indigestion feels like it's literally killing me at this point. How can I be so miserable in this body? The same body that won't give me my baby and some relief!!??
We did discuss inducing. He told me his fool proof plan on how to get the baby out within 24 hours of starting the process and I definitely trust him. I do have a lot of fears though about the birthing process in general. I'm very much not wanting a c-section and I'm scared that might be what happens. I'm scared because I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately that I'll have one in the hospital and won't be able to calm down. All the what if's are just flooding my brain at this point. Again, I know women give birth every day but I honestly feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm so scared of failing at giving birth that I'm just feeling stuck on what I should do. Whether I should just wait and see what happens naturally or if I should schedule a day and be induced. I'm really undecided at this point. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts until I see my Dr. again next Monday but it's hard not too. Especially when Emily is constantly reminding me that she's here and she's huge and is going to kick me and push me in every way possible if I try and forget that.
That brings up a whole other issue too. I've felt so disconnected from her this whole pregnancy and from my body and the last couple of days I've been feeling differently. I notice myself talking to her when we're alone and enjoying feeling her move inside of my belly. I'm scared I'm going to miss these times of it being just her and me. I know what to do to get her going and to get her to quiet down and she knows the same about me. I don't know if I want to lose that bond just yet. Especially since it's so late in the making. I don't want to share her with anyone yet. I hope this is just typical new Mommy stuff that I'm feeling. I guess only time will tell....
Aside from all this new baby news, my life has been pure chaos. We pulled the kids from daycare to save some money while I'm not working full time and I was thinking they were on the same schedules and it would be easy but instead it's crazy! Joli starts at 8:30, then James at 9:30. Jamesy is out at 1:55 and Joli is out at 3:00pm!! What the hell?? Then I've been trying to get the house ready for my Mom to visit and just because it's dirty and needs to be cleaned. That exhausts me way too quickly. Trying to stay up on laundry and wrapping Xmas gifts as they arrive plus working from home when I can. I don't know what I was thinking but I need help and I'm ready to throw in the flag and call it a day by 8am. I'm really hoping having my Mom and sister here plus James' family will help and keep me as stress free as possible. Especially because until Emily gets here, I would like to have SOME time where I'm just relaxing solo and so far that is just not an option....
HOW FAR ALONG: 38 weeks (officially full term and could schedule to be induced as early as next week)
SLEEP: not much but I'm sure tired a lot
FOOD CRAVINGS: Nothing too crazy. Plus, anything I eat makes me feel awful so I don't partake as much as I thought I would at this point.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Emily getting here so I can have my sanity back and stop these panic attacks for a while. Plus, I'm ready to hold and love on my little girl :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Giving up these last few weeks of our alone time together. Giving up being able to do what I want/need as needed to stay on top of things.
Love, Diana :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)