I feel like yesterday I found out I was pregnant and here it is, Emily is almost a year old. This time last year I was getting ready for my last day at work before maternity leave and finishing up stuff for Emily's room and now I'm planning her 1st birthday party. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. If I take the time to think about everything going on I panic. I have to keep my mind on one day at a time thinking or I'd probably explode from the overwhelm.
I feel like before I had Emily, I used to think a lot about the what ifs. What if me and James never got back together, what if I stayed in the mortgage industry or stayed in Orange County when I was in my mid 20's. But now I never think about that. I immediately panic that any other scenario would mean that Emily would not be here and that's just not fathomable. I can't imagine having my daughter with anyone else but James and I couldn't imagine a world where I didn't have Joli or Jamesy either. Emily has made me love life so much more than I ever did before. I try to explain it to my friends who don't have kids (yet) but it's so hard to put in words what having a child does for you and your life, in a good way! I feel so much less insecure. It's like now I know I have a purpose and what that purpose is. It's to be Emily's mom and nothing else on this planet matters more than that. As long as her and I are together we could live in a cardboard box or a mansion and I wouldn't notice or care either way. It's almost like having bad eye sight for your whole life where colors are just blurred together and you can't really tell the difference between black and purple and all of a sudden you have a baby and the colors are so much clearer. You can see every shade of black and purple. It's like a light bulb that gets brighter as soon as you have that baby. The whole world makes sense.
By the way, I've been writing this post for 3 days now. I keep getting interrupted at work and side tracked and if I'm lucky this post will be published before Emily's first birthday!
There's so much going on but I don't even know where to start so I'll just document what the little munch has been up to. She's almost walking. I mean, she can walk, she just won't do it very often. We've seen her take up to 7 steps at one time but can never get her to duplicate it so there's still no photographic evidence that she can walk. She loves to wave and say "bye" all the time, even if people aren't going anywhere. She's saying Momma a lot lately which I love!! And she's been a lot more affectionate with the family. She does get shy sometimes and will hide her head in my shoulder which I think is just adorable!! She'll give open mouth kisses. She puts her arms up way high in the air over her head when she wants to be picked up, which is often! haha She's still so happy all of the time. She sleeps through the night still which is amazing and so much appreciated. She really is an easy easy baby. The only gripe I would have is that she eats non stop. Like literally will continue to stuff her face if you keep putting food in front of it. Right now I don't even think she chews her food. She just stuffs it in and swallows and waits for the next bite! So far she hasn't choked but I'm guessing it's bound to happen if she doesn't slow her roll. She eats more than anyone in the house does and she only weighs 20 lbs!!
I still miss her while I'm working. I love my job and I'm glad I'm not a stay at home mom but some days are harder than others to leave her with her sitter. Like today for instance, I would give anything to be at home playing with her on the floor by ourselves all day. We don't get to do that often, if at all and I'm scared I'm going to regret not being with her more when she's older. Part of me is so excited and anxious to see what kind of little girl she'll grow into and the other part of me just wants her to stay a baby forever. I love babies! I love changing diapers and making bottles. I love being needed and caring for someone whose so cute and tiny. I see why people have multiple children, especially when the baby grows into a toddler. I'm not such a fan of older kids. hahaha
Life is still pretty overwhelming. If I take the time to stop and think about everything going on, I'll make myself crazy. I just keep trying to go day to day and minute to minute to keep the stress and anxiety at bay. But I can't complain. I love my kids, I love James and my family and friends. We have a great support system. We're all happy and healthy and that's all that matters.
- Diana
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
9 Months Old!
My little love muffin is 9 months old today. The time has flown by so fast and I'm glad I've been enjoying every second of it (so far). I wouldn't be surprised if she started walking tonight when I get home just because she seems to know every week and month to do something new and exciting to devastate her mom and dad into realizing she's no longer our little newborn :(
I'm so madly in love with Emily. I miss her every day now that I'm working full time. It's nice to do something other than just be around kids all day but I do miss getting stuff done around the house, the lack of stress I felt and the extra sleep I could sneak in :)
I just don't understand how other families do this day in and day out with no end in the near future. If I think about the fact that I still have 18 years before Emily will move out and me and James will finally be alone I think, shit, I won't want to be alone then. What am I going to do at almost 50!? Hopefully James and I will still be up for some fun when they're adults.
My biggest fear of having a baby and being pregnant was not knowing what to expect. Day to day I had no idea what was happening to my body and every day I worry about what will happen to Emily but so far I've gone 9 months with nothing major happening and I feel like once I hit the 1 year mark, I'll be able to breath a little. I remember being around Jamesy when he was a little over a year old and nothing happened that I couldn't handle from that point until now so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky with Emily as I've been with him. Kids stress me out!! I'm paranoid she's going to puke, choke, cry, hurt herself or worse 24/7. I feel like I need to be sedated just to get by each day with out having a panic attack worrying about all the "what ifs". I was really hoping that would have subsided after the pregnancy but now I just worry about other things.
So far James and I are on schedule to have little Ms. Em walking by 10 months. She's so close to being ready. She'll completely stand on her own, one hand supporting her. She'll go to a sitting position from standing and vice versa very easily and quickly now. She just learned to shake her head "no". It's so stinking cute!!! She doesn't know she's saying no obviously but she just shakes her head side to side. The kids and I just laugh and laugh at all the funny cute things she does.
Speaking of the kids, they are so wonderful. I'm so so lucky to have them here enjoying having a baby sister and having Emily enjoy them. She just wants to be wherever her sister is. She crawls to Joli's room ALL the time and wants to watch them play together or watch TV or play video games. She loves to hear them read and gets so giddy the minute she sees her sister or brother. She just adores them and they seem to adore her too. I feel so lucky to have them because they are a huge help when I need to switch over laundry or take a shower. Any time they'll watch Emily for me while I do other things around the house. They help pick out her clothes, help me bath her and get diapers, wipes, food, etc. whenever we ask them to. Jamesy said he's going to teach Emily how to swim, play kickball, brush her teeth without swallowing toothpaste and how to do math. He's so adorable!! And he promised his Dad that he would keep boys away from her when she gets older :)
Of course with all the love and excitement I have over being with Emily, there's the typical downside of being a mother. I constantly feel "left out" to a certain extent of just life in general. I miss being able to run to the store or get a pedicure or do anything quite frankly without having to plan three peoples schedules just to make it happen. As much as I like getting out of the house with the kids, I hate it because it's always harder to take care of a baby somewhere away from home. If she's tired, where will she sleep? If she needs to eat, where will I stop to feed her? Is there a bathroom close by in case she poops or the kids have to go? Does it have a baby changing table!!?? Will the massive stroller fit? It just goes on and on. I miss my time alone sometimes. I miss being able to come home to a quiet, empty house and just doing whatever I want to do. I know that's part of being a mom but it doesn't make it any easier. I see now why they say stay at home moms are some of the most depressed lonely people. I quickly miss adult interaction when I've been with the kids by myself for too long. I get irritated with constantly having people who need me all the time. I don't get "Hey Diana, what can I do for you today?" I get "Diana, I need...." "Diyaya, what's for dinner???" "why is there no clean laundry" "why are the dishes dirty" "Where are my parts" "Did you sell this job, make an appt.?" "Did you do this, do that, etc" It just goes on and on. I'm tempted to start saving for one of those celebrity rehab centers where they go when they're suffering from "exhaustion". I'm at such a low point feeling so worn down, that I don't even think a few hours or day away would revive me enough to keep going. I need a week off. Preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and lots of frozen drinks :)
We are going to a wedding next week in LA for one of James' cousins and Joli gets to be the flower girl. She is so so excited and I'm excited for her and for James' cousin, but all I can think about it having to travel with a baby. Having to shack up in a hotel room with a baby. Trying to find a place to make her bottles and change her diapers and feed her jars of food away from home where it's so convenient and easy. How will the five of us sleep in a hotel room with one bathroom?? I think this is going to be WAY more stressful than fun. James seems to think it's a piece of cake to have a baby anywhere so hopefully he'll be hands on Dad this trip so I can enjoy 5 minutes of it :) And that last statement upsets me....I say things like that and then immediately think it's so selfish of me. I have a baby, I have to learn to buck up and get over it and come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer mine alone and it won't ever be again. And then I beat myself up for feeling that way because somewhere inside I believe that it's okay for me to feel that way and for me to want breaks or need some time off. It's like being at a constant tug of war with my feelings. Nothing I feel is okay to feel and then I get depressed because I still feel that way regardless if it's right or wrong.
But at the end of the day, I'm very happy and I can't complain. I love love my little girl and my beautiful step kids. The three of them are the reason why I am half way decent of a person and why I work so hard. I can't wait to keep seeing how the three of them grow up and see who they'll become and what they'll do with their lives. I just hope I don't fuck them up too much along the way :)
Love, Diana
I'm so madly in love with Emily. I miss her every day now that I'm working full time. It's nice to do something other than just be around kids all day but I do miss getting stuff done around the house, the lack of stress I felt and the extra sleep I could sneak in :)
I just don't understand how other families do this day in and day out with no end in the near future. If I think about the fact that I still have 18 years before Emily will move out and me and James will finally be alone I think, shit, I won't want to be alone then. What am I going to do at almost 50!? Hopefully James and I will still be up for some fun when they're adults.
My biggest fear of having a baby and being pregnant was not knowing what to expect. Day to day I had no idea what was happening to my body and every day I worry about what will happen to Emily but so far I've gone 9 months with nothing major happening and I feel like once I hit the 1 year mark, I'll be able to breath a little. I remember being around Jamesy when he was a little over a year old and nothing happened that I couldn't handle from that point until now so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky with Emily as I've been with him. Kids stress me out!! I'm paranoid she's going to puke, choke, cry, hurt herself or worse 24/7. I feel like I need to be sedated just to get by each day with out having a panic attack worrying about all the "what ifs". I was really hoping that would have subsided after the pregnancy but now I just worry about other things.
So far James and I are on schedule to have little Ms. Em walking by 10 months. She's so close to being ready. She'll completely stand on her own, one hand supporting her. She'll go to a sitting position from standing and vice versa very easily and quickly now. She just learned to shake her head "no". It's so stinking cute!!! She doesn't know she's saying no obviously but she just shakes her head side to side. The kids and I just laugh and laugh at all the funny cute things she does.
Speaking of the kids, they are so wonderful. I'm so so lucky to have them here enjoying having a baby sister and having Emily enjoy them. She just wants to be wherever her sister is. She crawls to Joli's room ALL the time and wants to watch them play together or watch TV or play video games. She loves to hear them read and gets so giddy the minute she sees her sister or brother. She just adores them and they seem to adore her too. I feel so lucky to have them because they are a huge help when I need to switch over laundry or take a shower. Any time they'll watch Emily for me while I do other things around the house. They help pick out her clothes, help me bath her and get diapers, wipes, food, etc. whenever we ask them to. Jamesy said he's going to teach Emily how to swim, play kickball, brush her teeth without swallowing toothpaste and how to do math. He's so adorable!! And he promised his Dad that he would keep boys away from her when she gets older :)
Of course with all the love and excitement I have over being with Emily, there's the typical downside of being a mother. I constantly feel "left out" to a certain extent of just life in general. I miss being able to run to the store or get a pedicure or do anything quite frankly without having to plan three peoples schedules just to make it happen. As much as I like getting out of the house with the kids, I hate it because it's always harder to take care of a baby somewhere away from home. If she's tired, where will she sleep? If she needs to eat, where will I stop to feed her? Is there a bathroom close by in case she poops or the kids have to go? Does it have a baby changing table!!?? Will the massive stroller fit? It just goes on and on. I miss my time alone sometimes. I miss being able to come home to a quiet, empty house and just doing whatever I want to do. I know that's part of being a mom but it doesn't make it any easier. I see now why they say stay at home moms are some of the most depressed lonely people. I quickly miss adult interaction when I've been with the kids by myself for too long. I get irritated with constantly having people who need me all the time. I don't get "Hey Diana, what can I do for you today?" I get "Diana, I need...." "Diyaya, what's for dinner???" "why is there no clean laundry" "why are the dishes dirty" "Where are my parts" "Did you sell this job, make an appt.?" "Did you do this, do that, etc" It just goes on and on. I'm tempted to start saving for one of those celebrity rehab centers where they go when they're suffering from "exhaustion". I'm at such a low point feeling so worn down, that I don't even think a few hours or day away would revive me enough to keep going. I need a week off. Preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and lots of frozen drinks :)
We are going to a wedding next week in LA for one of James' cousins and Joli gets to be the flower girl. She is so so excited and I'm excited for her and for James' cousin, but all I can think about it having to travel with a baby. Having to shack up in a hotel room with a baby. Trying to find a place to make her bottles and change her diapers and feed her jars of food away from home where it's so convenient and easy. How will the five of us sleep in a hotel room with one bathroom?? I think this is going to be WAY more stressful than fun. James seems to think it's a piece of cake to have a baby anywhere so hopefully he'll be hands on Dad this trip so I can enjoy 5 minutes of it :) And that last statement upsets me....I say things like that and then immediately think it's so selfish of me. I have a baby, I have to learn to buck up and get over it and come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer mine alone and it won't ever be again. And then I beat myself up for feeling that way because somewhere inside I believe that it's okay for me to feel that way and for me to want breaks or need some time off. It's like being at a constant tug of war with my feelings. Nothing I feel is okay to feel and then I get depressed because I still feel that way regardless if it's right or wrong.
But at the end of the day, I'm very happy and I can't complain. I love love my little girl and my beautiful step kids. The three of them are the reason why I am half way decent of a person and why I work so hard. I can't wait to keep seeing how the three of them grow up and see who they'll become and what they'll do with their lives. I just hope I don't fuck them up too much along the way :)
Love, Diana
Monday, August 20, 2012
I FINALLY HAVE 5 MINUTES!!!
Wow oh wow. I can't believe I finally have 5 minutes and a computer to write a blog post! There has been so much going on that I can't even think to include but I'll put in the most important details of my little love muffin.
Emily is now 8 months old (as of last Saturday) and just the sweetest, greatest child anyone could possibly ask for. Seriously she is so perfect that I can't believe I'm so lucky to have her as my child. She is happy all the time, amazingly smart and funny and beautiful. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and I can't wait for all the years to come and to see what kind of girl she will grow up to be. I'm hoping she will have my patience and sense of humor and her Dads smarts and self confidence.
At about 6 months she was able to sit up on her own but she wasn't a big fan of it and would make herself fall back over to her tummy or back. Shortly after that she started sprouting teeth and has her two front bottom teeth and two upper K9 teeth popping through. She didn't suffer from teething at all (so far!) No fever, no crankiness or lack of sleep or appetite. She was a trooper :) And she also around that time started to do the army crawl. She won't get up on all fours to crawl but she scoots her body with her hands and legs all over the floor. By 7 months she was a pro at it and can scoot from one part of the family room to other in a blink of an eye. Now a days she's sitting up by herself and starting to crawl the steps a little bit. She can now crawl to a standing position by holding onto the couch or a table or someone's legs. She's such a big girl and the time has just flown by. One night she figured out how to crawl two steps to the kitchen area from the family room and we all stood around watching and as soon as she made it up we started clapping and yelling and she freaked out because we were so loud and in her face that she started crying. It was so cute!
I wish I could just stop time for a little bit so I can continue to enjoy every stage that she enters. It feels like every Monday she knows she's supposed to be doing something new and she does! Before I can grasp every little change, she starts doing something else exciting. It's so fun to see but also a bummer because my little baby is no longer a baby. She is growing into a toddler quicker than I'm ready for :(
She started saying dada over and over and nana over and over at around 6 to 6 1/2 months. Now she started with actual googoo and gagas. She doesn't know she's saying anyones name but it's nice to pretend she's calling for me when I hear mamama. But she is smart enough to know if you say "where's sister" to look around the room for Joli and same with big brother and Mommy and Daddy. She loves to grab everything and I mean EVERYTHING to see what it does, feels like, tastes like, etc. And she will stick anything in her mouth that fits. She's starting to figure out the noises she can make by slamming two toys together or throwing them. She does this cute little thing with her hands and fingers like she can't believe that she's making them move a certain way. She still loves bath time and loves to smack the water and splash it all over the tub (and her Mommy!). She's always on the move. She wants to crawl everywhere and grab at everything she can. Cell phones, ipads and remote controls are her favorite :)
We started her on jar baby food a little after her 6 month mark. I had a hard time because it was so messy and proved she was a big girl so I was hesitant but it was quickly obvious to me and everyone around that she was ready for big girl food and she wants plenty of it!! She's now up to 3 or more jars per day plus her bottles in between and at bed time. She's a moose!!! I'm constantly running to the store to get more formula or baby food. But she's gotten so good at eating jar food that she doesn't even need a bib anymore.
Everything she does is so stinking adorable I can hardly take it. She wakes up happy and giggly and entertains herself in her crib until someone comes to get her. The only time she gets upset is if she's really really hungry or wants to play with something she's not supposed to play with and you take it away. I hope she will always be so happy and carefree. Wish I could say the same for myself! hahaha
Being a Mom is so much harder than I could have imagined, and that's with giving birth to the perfect child! ;) I can't imagine how other Moms handle colicky babies or multiple kids in diapers. I feel exhausted, pulled in a hundred directions and confused 99% of the day. I can't focus at work like I used to and I can't focus at home like I used to. I find myself getting irritated and depressed a lot of the time because I can't accomplish what was so easy for me a year ago, today. I also feel like I have a new priority and importance in my life that far exceeds any importance I put into other aspects of my life. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I will have a certain feeling about a situation or person and instead of keeping it to myself, I will actually verbalize my issue. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super passive aggressive and keep 90% of my issues to myself but sometimes I will buck up and say something. It's like something switched in my brain and I'm just not willing to put up with any bullshit. I'm a Mom now! I have and will continue to bear unthinkable things and new scary ventures every day of my life, I could give a rats ass about confrontation.
I feel like there's so many more milestones I'm leaving out with Emily but none of them are negative. She is so happy and smiley and lovey all the time. I love just being with her. Don't get me wrong, I could always use a break. Even the perfect baby is still a baby and it's hard work 24/7 but when I'm not with her I'm anxious to be with her and when I'm with her for an extended amount of time, I get anxious for a break! hahaha
The only negative about being a new Mom is having to come to terms with other people not loving her like I do. Obviously no one loves their child like their Mom, but I was expecting such a different response by people close to me that it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that those dreams will never be realized. Sometimes I want to tell these people to do more, see her more, offer to help and then the other part of me knows that I can't force anyone to do anything or feel a certain way. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to realize that it will be their loss because Emily is such an amazing baby girl and I get to experience every last part of her life with her while others will miss out on that relationship.
I'm hoping to be able to blog at least once a month, especially now that I'll be back to work full time in the next two weeks I should be able to get more accomplished day to day. Either that or my next blog will be a suicide note because I can't take all the responsibility. hahaha
Emily is now 8 months old (as of last Saturday) and just the sweetest, greatest child anyone could possibly ask for. Seriously she is so perfect that I can't believe I'm so lucky to have her as my child. She is happy all the time, amazingly smart and funny and beautiful. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and I can't wait for all the years to come and to see what kind of girl she will grow up to be. I'm hoping she will have my patience and sense of humor and her Dads smarts and self confidence.
At about 6 months she was able to sit up on her own but she wasn't a big fan of it and would make herself fall back over to her tummy or back. Shortly after that she started sprouting teeth and has her two front bottom teeth and two upper K9 teeth popping through. She didn't suffer from teething at all (so far!) No fever, no crankiness or lack of sleep or appetite. She was a trooper :) And she also around that time started to do the army crawl. She won't get up on all fours to crawl but she scoots her body with her hands and legs all over the floor. By 7 months she was a pro at it and can scoot from one part of the family room to other in a blink of an eye. Now a days she's sitting up by herself and starting to crawl the steps a little bit. She can now crawl to a standing position by holding onto the couch or a table or someone's legs. She's such a big girl and the time has just flown by. One night she figured out how to crawl two steps to the kitchen area from the family room and we all stood around watching and as soon as she made it up we started clapping and yelling and she freaked out because we were so loud and in her face that she started crying. It was so cute!
I wish I could just stop time for a little bit so I can continue to enjoy every stage that she enters. It feels like every Monday she knows she's supposed to be doing something new and she does! Before I can grasp every little change, she starts doing something else exciting. It's so fun to see but also a bummer because my little baby is no longer a baby. She is growing into a toddler quicker than I'm ready for :(
She started saying dada over and over and nana over and over at around 6 to 6 1/2 months. Now she started with actual googoo and gagas. She doesn't know she's saying anyones name but it's nice to pretend she's calling for me when I hear mamama. But she is smart enough to know if you say "where's sister" to look around the room for Joli and same with big brother and Mommy and Daddy. She loves to grab everything and I mean EVERYTHING to see what it does, feels like, tastes like, etc. And she will stick anything in her mouth that fits. She's starting to figure out the noises she can make by slamming two toys together or throwing them. She does this cute little thing with her hands and fingers like she can't believe that she's making them move a certain way. She still loves bath time and loves to smack the water and splash it all over the tub (and her Mommy!). She's always on the move. She wants to crawl everywhere and grab at everything she can. Cell phones, ipads and remote controls are her favorite :)
We started her on jar baby food a little after her 6 month mark. I had a hard time because it was so messy and proved she was a big girl so I was hesitant but it was quickly obvious to me and everyone around that she was ready for big girl food and she wants plenty of it!! She's now up to 3 or more jars per day plus her bottles in between and at bed time. She's a moose!!! I'm constantly running to the store to get more formula or baby food. But she's gotten so good at eating jar food that she doesn't even need a bib anymore.
Everything she does is so stinking adorable I can hardly take it. She wakes up happy and giggly and entertains herself in her crib until someone comes to get her. The only time she gets upset is if she's really really hungry or wants to play with something she's not supposed to play with and you take it away. I hope she will always be so happy and carefree. Wish I could say the same for myself! hahaha
Being a Mom is so much harder than I could have imagined, and that's with giving birth to the perfect child! ;) I can't imagine how other Moms handle colicky babies or multiple kids in diapers. I feel exhausted, pulled in a hundred directions and confused 99% of the day. I can't focus at work like I used to and I can't focus at home like I used to. I find myself getting irritated and depressed a lot of the time because I can't accomplish what was so easy for me a year ago, today. I also feel like I have a new priority and importance in my life that far exceeds any importance I put into other aspects of my life. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I will have a certain feeling about a situation or person and instead of keeping it to myself, I will actually verbalize my issue. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super passive aggressive and keep 90% of my issues to myself but sometimes I will buck up and say something. It's like something switched in my brain and I'm just not willing to put up with any bullshit. I'm a Mom now! I have and will continue to bear unthinkable things and new scary ventures every day of my life, I could give a rats ass about confrontation.
I feel like there's so many more milestones I'm leaving out with Emily but none of them are negative. She is so happy and smiley and lovey all the time. I love just being with her. Don't get me wrong, I could always use a break. Even the perfect baby is still a baby and it's hard work 24/7 but when I'm not with her I'm anxious to be with her and when I'm with her for an extended amount of time, I get anxious for a break! hahaha
The only negative about being a new Mom is having to come to terms with other people not loving her like I do. Obviously no one loves their child like their Mom, but I was expecting such a different response by people close to me that it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that those dreams will never be realized. Sometimes I want to tell these people to do more, see her more, offer to help and then the other part of me knows that I can't force anyone to do anything or feel a certain way. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to realize that it will be their loss because Emily is such an amazing baby girl and I get to experience every last part of her life with her while others will miss out on that relationship.
I'm hoping to be able to blog at least once a month, especially now that I'll be back to work full time in the next two weeks I should be able to get more accomplished day to day. Either that or my next blog will be a suicide note because I can't take all the responsibility. hahaha
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
4 Months and 2 Weeks!
I have the best child ever! I love her so much more every day that I feel like I'm going to explode! I feel so differently about life and now my only regret is that I didn't have a baby years ago. She is my everything. I get now why people have more than 1 kid. It's addicting, like getting a tattoo. One is never enough. But...I think 3 kids in our house is plenty.
A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.
Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?
Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)
Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!
My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.
I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.
Love, Diana :)
A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.
Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?
Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)
Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!
My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.
I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.
Love, Diana :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
3 Months and 3 Weeks Old....
My little angel is changing right before my eyes. I feel like one day I'm going to turn around and she'll be walking and talking. Everyone was right! It goes by so fast....
She likes to "talk" more, mostly when she's on her playmat. James and I have started putting her in her crib that's in our room at night and she still sleeps through the night in there. She will wake up a few times for her binky but then falls right back asleep. It's nice to have our bed back but I do worry about her. Sometimes I'll wake up and just go look at her to make sure she's still breathing. hahaha.
So this week is my last week off before I go back to work. I will be starting part time which is nice and not so intimidating but I'm still a little nervous. I mean, how am I going to go back to getting the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn and now having a baby to take care of all while trying to get myself ready for work and getting everyone dropped off at their different day cares and then get to Lafayette by 8am!!!?? To say I feel a little overwhelmed is an understatement. I know I'll get into a routine like I have since being home with all three kids but having to add myself to the mix is going to be a challenge. I feel like I should be doing something exciting my last week off but I don't even know what to do with myself and Emily. Plus, I still have the kids to drop off and pick up every couple of hours so I can't really go anywhere. Plus, this is the week to tie up any loose ends before my life goes to chaos. I have no concept of how any person can survive as a single parent. Aside from finances, taking care of kids is hard work! I would run away if I had to do this all by myself!
Thankfully I am extremely lucky. My family may not be around on a day to day basis, but James' is. His parents and brother and sister in law are all amazing!! They take the kids for us all the time. If I ever need an afternoon to get something done or want to make plans, Nana is always there to help me out. This last weekend she took all 3 kids for a sleepover at her house! It was so nice to have a night off and sleep in bed without worrying about the baby. Only having myself to worry about in the morning. Me and James have had more date nights and alone time since Emily got here than we did before! It's made every transition I've been going through so much easier. I feel bad for my family though. Not seeing Emily on a weekly basis would be torture for me! I know she's my baby and I'm biased that she's perfect but I just don't get how my parents don't see her more. She's their first born grandchild and she's pretty amazing if I may say so myself. But it is what it is and Emily has LOTS of people who love her and she is very lucky to have so many great people in her life.
Emotionally I've been feeling a lot better. I think I've been very lucky to have a nice balance in my life of fun and responsibility. I make sure to go out with my friends when I know I need to and James and I have lots of great times together too, plus we do lots of great family stuff. I feel pretty secure with my choices and how things are turning out.
The best thing ever was everyone in the house got sick. The kids had awful fevers for days and really bad colds. Jamesy even threw up a few times. Then James got it and I was next. Every minute I felt like crap was clouded with fear that Emily was next. But amazingly enough, after 2 weeks we are all better and she never showed any signs of a cold :) How lucky am I!? I know I can't avoid it forever but my anxiety and fear of the family being sick makes me physically sick so I was happy to avoid it this time around.
Emily shows signs of a personality every day. She's more alert and happy and is starting to hold her toys a little bit. I can tell she wants to get up and start walking and doing her own thing but her body won't move with her. I can't wait to see how she grows :)
Love, Diana :)
She likes to "talk" more, mostly when she's on her playmat. James and I have started putting her in her crib that's in our room at night and she still sleeps through the night in there. She will wake up a few times for her binky but then falls right back asleep. It's nice to have our bed back but I do worry about her. Sometimes I'll wake up and just go look at her to make sure she's still breathing. hahaha.
So this week is my last week off before I go back to work. I will be starting part time which is nice and not so intimidating but I'm still a little nervous. I mean, how am I going to go back to getting the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn and now having a baby to take care of all while trying to get myself ready for work and getting everyone dropped off at their different day cares and then get to Lafayette by 8am!!!?? To say I feel a little overwhelmed is an understatement. I know I'll get into a routine like I have since being home with all three kids but having to add myself to the mix is going to be a challenge. I feel like I should be doing something exciting my last week off but I don't even know what to do with myself and Emily. Plus, I still have the kids to drop off and pick up every couple of hours so I can't really go anywhere. Plus, this is the week to tie up any loose ends before my life goes to chaos. I have no concept of how any person can survive as a single parent. Aside from finances, taking care of kids is hard work! I would run away if I had to do this all by myself!
Thankfully I am extremely lucky. My family may not be around on a day to day basis, but James' is. His parents and brother and sister in law are all amazing!! They take the kids for us all the time. If I ever need an afternoon to get something done or want to make plans, Nana is always there to help me out. This last weekend she took all 3 kids for a sleepover at her house! It was so nice to have a night off and sleep in bed without worrying about the baby. Only having myself to worry about in the morning. Me and James have had more date nights and alone time since Emily got here than we did before! It's made every transition I've been going through so much easier. I feel bad for my family though. Not seeing Emily on a weekly basis would be torture for me! I know she's my baby and I'm biased that she's perfect but I just don't get how my parents don't see her more. She's their first born grandchild and she's pretty amazing if I may say so myself. But it is what it is and Emily has LOTS of people who love her and she is very lucky to have so many great people in her life.
Emotionally I've been feeling a lot better. I think I've been very lucky to have a nice balance in my life of fun and responsibility. I make sure to go out with my friends when I know I need to and James and I have lots of great times together too, plus we do lots of great family stuff. I feel pretty secure with my choices and how things are turning out.
The best thing ever was everyone in the house got sick. The kids had awful fevers for days and really bad colds. Jamesy even threw up a few times. Then James got it and I was next. Every minute I felt like crap was clouded with fear that Emily was next. But amazingly enough, after 2 weeks we are all better and she never showed any signs of a cold :) How lucky am I!? I know I can't avoid it forever but my anxiety and fear of the family being sick makes me physically sick so I was happy to avoid it this time around.
Emily shows signs of a personality every day. She's more alert and happy and is starting to hold her toys a little bit. I can tell she wants to get up and start walking and doing her own thing but her body won't move with her. I can't wait to see how she grows :)
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I don't know what week anymore.....
I'm done counting weeks. I can't remember the last time I blogged or how old Emily is at this point. Right now she's sitting in her new Bumbo (AKA the greatest invention ever!) and farting. Yep, she's a gasser!! Rips butt all day long and in her sleep at night....cute! And she figured out how to drool, so her clothes are constantly soaked and sometimes mine are too. However, she is the cutest thing on this planet as far as I'm concerned and nothing she could possibly do would convince me otherwise.
I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!
She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.
My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!
And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......
Love, Diana :)
I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!
She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.
My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!
And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Week 7,8,9.......to eternity
Wow, I get no time to even think of blogging anymore. Luckily Emily was so cranky she spent a good hour crying because I wouldn't hold her and tired herself out. If she naps more than 5 minutes I might actually get to write something!
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Week 6.....Back to work??
I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Week 5.....Viewer Discretion Advised
Note to reader: This post is going to be filled with foul language and lots of anger. If you're easily offended please do not read!
What the fuck!? What the fuck!!!??? Today is shit. Absolute shit. It's days like this that I wish I could get in my car and run away. Never talk to anyone again or see anyone again. I'm starting to hate everyone. Everyone who gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Everyone who only has themselves to worry about on a daily basis. I'm starting to hate these children who are so fucking needy. As if it isn't bad enough that I have a fucking infant in my arms at all hours of the day and night but I can't keep track of the other two on top of it. Today I spent all morning/afternoon getting stuff for Joli's 8th birthday, which is tomorrow. I was so proud of myself for even remembering that she had a birthday, let alone being able to get to the store to buy gifts and cake mix to make for her tomorrow. Forward to me driving home when I realize, "shit, I forgot cupcakes for her class tomorrow!!" Normally, I would of said fuck it and she's not bringing anything but I can't really do that. Of course Emily was only good enough for one go around at a store so she screamed the whole time I went back for the cupcakes.
Speaking of the devil child, what kind of sicko finally lets you sleep for 4 hours but then starts screaming at 3:30am to be fed, only to eat 1 oz of formula before passing back out!!!!??? I'll tell you, the same sicko who then in turn wakes up as you're getting back into bed for another oz and then stays awake for another hour while you're trying to fall asleep. 1 oz!!?? Really Emily?? You couldn't let your poor exhausted Mother get some much needed sleep for 1 fucking oz??? In my defense, she eats 4 oz at every feeding so to waste my time with 1 oz is the most irritating thing in the world.
After my lack of sleep last night, I had to run around all day so no nap for me until the kids were picked up and home from school. So I'm trying to keep Emily awake so she'll sleep with me but no go. So I fed her before finally taking a nap at 3:30pm and told the kids to be quiet while we slept. I should have been more specific....instead of hearing them talk the whole time, they're throwing toys and stomping back and forth from room to room. And as soon as I finally dose off Emily is wide awake and screaming for more food. And of course she only took 1 oz before passing out again but tough shit for me! I'm already up and not falling back asleep. As my groggy ass is starting dinner for the kids because I agreed to do dinner and showers tonight because James is having such a rough day (which now pales in comparison to my rough day), I realize that today was Joli's art class she was supposed to go after school that cost us $100 and I completely forgot!!!! Plus, she has a big project due on Friday that she's barely started and James wants me to help her on. Oh and to add insult to injury I had an upset stomach all day and little miss fussy pants refuses to be left alone so I got to take her to all my bathroom visits with me. I think you officially lose all dignity once you're holding your child while dropping the kids off at the pool......FML!!
And all I can think about is how the hell is this house going to survive once I go back to work and there is no one home during the day. Not like Emily lets me get a lot done but I do get to do the dishes at least once and can occasionally trade out a load of laundry or vacuum a room. And NORMALLY I can constantly check the fridge the see what's going on with that week with the kids. However, I am at a point where a serious discussion of putting the older kids back in daycare ASAP is much needed.
Days like this I wish I was 20 something again, living alone and not having anyone to worry about but myself. Then again, as soon as I wish that I feel guilty and ultimately can't imagine a day without my family. But cheese and rice this is bullshit!!
So my piece of advice to anyone who treasures their alone time, is never ever have kids. They're cute and lovable but needy as all hell and unless one of them makes a million dollars and supports me in lavish homes and cars in my old age, I don't see where all this hassle is worth it.....
As for Emily, she's perfect of course! As much as she drives me crazy, I can't complain. She's not colic or allergic to her formula. She only poops every other day. I know I have it easy compared to other parents but it doesn't make my days any easier. She still doesn't do much but eat and sleep. I still love her and think she's the cutest thing in the world though. I just hate her right now :)
With irritation and a cold beer in hand to cope,
Diana :/
P.S. This is strictly a rant. Of course there's good times and happy days and I worship everyone in my life. They are the reason I get up every day.
What the fuck!? What the fuck!!!??? Today is shit. Absolute shit. It's days like this that I wish I could get in my car and run away. Never talk to anyone again or see anyone again. I'm starting to hate everyone. Everyone who gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Everyone who only has themselves to worry about on a daily basis. I'm starting to hate these children who are so fucking needy. As if it isn't bad enough that I have a fucking infant in my arms at all hours of the day and night but I can't keep track of the other two on top of it. Today I spent all morning/afternoon getting stuff for Joli's 8th birthday, which is tomorrow. I was so proud of myself for even remembering that she had a birthday, let alone being able to get to the store to buy gifts and cake mix to make for her tomorrow. Forward to me driving home when I realize, "shit, I forgot cupcakes for her class tomorrow!!" Normally, I would of said fuck it and she's not bringing anything but I can't really do that. Of course Emily was only good enough for one go around at a store so she screamed the whole time I went back for the cupcakes.
Speaking of the devil child, what kind of sicko finally lets you sleep for 4 hours but then starts screaming at 3:30am to be fed, only to eat 1 oz of formula before passing back out!!!!??? I'll tell you, the same sicko who then in turn wakes up as you're getting back into bed for another oz and then stays awake for another hour while you're trying to fall asleep. 1 oz!!?? Really Emily?? You couldn't let your poor exhausted Mother get some much needed sleep for 1 fucking oz??? In my defense, she eats 4 oz at every feeding so to waste my time with 1 oz is the most irritating thing in the world.
After my lack of sleep last night, I had to run around all day so no nap for me until the kids were picked up and home from school. So I'm trying to keep Emily awake so she'll sleep with me but no go. So I fed her before finally taking a nap at 3:30pm and told the kids to be quiet while we slept. I should have been more specific....instead of hearing them talk the whole time, they're throwing toys and stomping back and forth from room to room. And as soon as I finally dose off Emily is wide awake and screaming for more food. And of course she only took 1 oz before passing out again but tough shit for me! I'm already up and not falling back asleep. As my groggy ass is starting dinner for the kids because I agreed to do dinner and showers tonight because James is having such a rough day (which now pales in comparison to my rough day), I realize that today was Joli's art class she was supposed to go after school that cost us $100 and I completely forgot!!!! Plus, she has a big project due on Friday that she's barely started and James wants me to help her on. Oh and to add insult to injury I had an upset stomach all day and little miss fussy pants refuses to be left alone so I got to take her to all my bathroom visits with me. I think you officially lose all dignity once you're holding your child while dropping the kids off at the pool......FML!!
And all I can think about is how the hell is this house going to survive once I go back to work and there is no one home during the day. Not like Emily lets me get a lot done but I do get to do the dishes at least once and can occasionally trade out a load of laundry or vacuum a room. And NORMALLY I can constantly check the fridge the see what's going on with that week with the kids. However, I am at a point where a serious discussion of putting the older kids back in daycare ASAP is much needed.
Days like this I wish I was 20 something again, living alone and not having anyone to worry about but myself. Then again, as soon as I wish that I feel guilty and ultimately can't imagine a day without my family. But cheese and rice this is bullshit!!
So my piece of advice to anyone who treasures their alone time, is never ever have kids. They're cute and lovable but needy as all hell and unless one of them makes a million dollars and supports me in lavish homes and cars in my old age, I don't see where all this hassle is worth it.....
As for Emily, she's perfect of course! As much as she drives me crazy, I can't complain. She's not colic or allergic to her formula. She only poops every other day. I know I have it easy compared to other parents but it doesn't make my days any easier. She still doesn't do much but eat and sleep. I still love her and think she's the cutest thing in the world though. I just hate her right now :)
With irritation and a cold beer in hand to cope,
Diana :/
P.S. This is strictly a rant. Of course there's good times and happy days and I worship everyone in my life. They are the reason I get up every day.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Week 4.....Time is flying by!!
I felt like I was pregnant FOREVER and now that Emily is here time is just flying by way too fast. I'm already having to think about going back to work and daycare and I can barely stand to spend 2 hours away from my little girl and I barely like to leave her with her Dad, let alone some stranger for an entire day!
I think I may be suffering from some postpartum but nothing too bad. I do tend to cry a lot and am feeling very strange and overwhelmed and vulnerable BUT I'm also the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine or express and I already can't imagine life without her. There's an episode of Family Guy (my favorite show!) where Brian finds out he has a teenage son and all of a sudden news stories of people being hurt/killed or planes crashing, etc. affect him completely different. He says "Oh my God, I can't imagine!" "If my son was on that plane..." and "Until you have a child, you don't know" Me and James still laugh about that episode and mimic it and now it's exactly how I feel. Everything I see, read or hear affects me in a completely different way. I do put myself and my daughter in those situations and freak out at the thought of something bad happening. I can honestly say that if something happened to Emily, I would die. I would literally die. And if not from sadness than by jumping off a bridge. I could not imagine spending one day without her.
As I'm writing this and feeling this, all I can think is "What the hell happened to me??" I never thought I'd fall so hard for this little girl who made me miserable for 9 months. I never thought that cuddling with her would be more important to me than my free time or going out and partying. I've become such a lame ass! Luckily, I haven't lost my potty mouth :) I still think Emily's first word will be an inappropriate four letter one!
Aside from being madly in love with my little girl, life's been hectic! I was used to doing whatever I wanted to do when I wanted and now I've got this thing attached to me 24/7. I don't get to shower or brush my teeth or do dishes or laundry or clean the house unless she's good and ready to be put down for an extended amount of time. I'm working from home and everything I need to do takes me 3 times longer than before. I had to get W2's done this week and had to do so with one hand while my other held a screaming or sleeping baby. And it does get to me at times, having a baby all day long is exhausting. I know people (ie James) think that my job is easy but there is no 8 hour shift and weekends off. There's no lunch breaks. I'm constantly doing something "Mom" related, which is a job. A damn hard one at that!!
Honestly, I don't know how families do it and I understand the divorce rate now. James works at a very high stress job all the way in San Francisco. He gets home after an hour commute and cooks dinner for the two older kids. Then he does showers and teeth and keeps them entertained since I'm on permanent baby duty. Then he does lunches and gets them in bed. How could I possibly ask him to do any more?? Yet, when he gets home, it's almost like I'm jealous that he got to socialize and get out of the house all day and I just need a break from Emily more than anything in the world. I stay up with her every night. I make sure not to wake anyone in the house if she's crying. It's exhausting! Everyone seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep and going about their routines as normal and I'm in this twilight zone of diapers, bottles and sleeping in 2 hour intervals. It can make someone crazy!! And I understand now how new moms can feel isolated and depressed. At the same time, I keep trying to stay positive. I know this hard time will pass by way too quickly and I'll miss it. I'll miss her being so dependent on me and I'll miss her staring into my eyes all day and night. #newmomproblems
I had this vision that my family would see my little girl and fall so madly in love with her that they would never leave her and we would be closer than ever. I pictured my Mom moving back to California right away and my sister moving back too. So far, that hasn't been the case and I understand. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean everyone's world stops, just mine. And realistically, what could I possibly ask of them? I can't ask or expect people to move states away for a baby that's not theirs! Luckily I have wonderful friends and inlaws (yes I consider them my inlaws even though the probability of James and I ever getting married is a 10 out of 100) to help keep me sane and give me breaks when needed. Having a baby is hard! Why anyone has more than one of them is beyond me. I could not imagine doing this if my step kids were still in diapers or were too young to keep themselves entertained unsupervised. I thought motherhood might give me super human strengths to do all the hard stuff Moms of multiple kids have, but I'm pretty bad at it still. The kids are lucky they get fed every morning and get lunches for school. I'm pretty incapable of being a "super mom".
And FYI, the only reason why I'm even able to write this blog is because my beautiful angel is sleeping in her car seat!
So to let you know a little bit of what Emily is doing at 4 weeks old....she's definitely over 9 pounds now but still fits perfectly in all her newborn clothes. I give her baths every other day and she LOVES them. She loves sitting in the warm water and when I pour water over her she smiles. And tries to drink it! She'll smile sometimes but it's always super quick and most of the time it's when she's sleeping. Plus, it's hard to tell if she's really smiling or just gassy. Speaking of gas, this girl is full of it!! You'd think she was made of pee and fart! So far I've only had one "full" poopy diaper and I actually had to cut her onesie off of her with scissors because it was filled with poop and I didn't know how else to get it off without getting poop everywhere! We sleep together every night. I used to be stuck on the couch but now we sleep in bed with James until she wakes up for the first time to be changed and fed, then I'll move into her room and sleep with her in the guest bed. She loves to snuggle with me while sleeping and can somehow sense if I get up and immediately wakes up and starts crying. I am definitely worried about when I move her to her crib to sleep and I know it's probably not the best idea to be sleeping with her but I love it! I love every second of it. I love watching her sleep on her side, hearing the little noises she makes, making eye contact with her when she opens her eyes. She is so so beautiful and I thoroughly enjoy all the mistakes I'm making already :)
For some reason my computer won't upload the pics I want to post of my little love muffin so hopefully my next blog I can show them. And hopefully I can blog again before 3 weeks from now!!
Love, Diana :)
I think I may be suffering from some postpartum but nothing too bad. I do tend to cry a lot and am feeling very strange and overwhelmed and vulnerable BUT I'm also the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine or express and I already can't imagine life without her. There's an episode of Family Guy (my favorite show!) where Brian finds out he has a teenage son and all of a sudden news stories of people being hurt/killed or planes crashing, etc. affect him completely different. He says "Oh my God, I can't imagine!" "If my son was on that plane..." and "Until you have a child, you don't know" Me and James still laugh about that episode and mimic it and now it's exactly how I feel. Everything I see, read or hear affects me in a completely different way. I do put myself and my daughter in those situations and freak out at the thought of something bad happening. I can honestly say that if something happened to Emily, I would die. I would literally die. And if not from sadness than by jumping off a bridge. I could not imagine spending one day without her.
As I'm writing this and feeling this, all I can think is "What the hell happened to me??" I never thought I'd fall so hard for this little girl who made me miserable for 9 months. I never thought that cuddling with her would be more important to me than my free time or going out and partying. I've become such a lame ass! Luckily, I haven't lost my potty mouth :) I still think Emily's first word will be an inappropriate four letter one!
Aside from being madly in love with my little girl, life's been hectic! I was used to doing whatever I wanted to do when I wanted and now I've got this thing attached to me 24/7. I don't get to shower or brush my teeth or do dishes or laundry or clean the house unless she's good and ready to be put down for an extended amount of time. I'm working from home and everything I need to do takes me 3 times longer than before. I had to get W2's done this week and had to do so with one hand while my other held a screaming or sleeping baby. And it does get to me at times, having a baby all day long is exhausting. I know people (ie James) think that my job is easy but there is no 8 hour shift and weekends off. There's no lunch breaks. I'm constantly doing something "Mom" related, which is a job. A damn hard one at that!!
Honestly, I don't know how families do it and I understand the divorce rate now. James works at a very high stress job all the way in San Francisco. He gets home after an hour commute and cooks dinner for the two older kids. Then he does showers and teeth and keeps them entertained since I'm on permanent baby duty. Then he does lunches and gets them in bed. How could I possibly ask him to do any more?? Yet, when he gets home, it's almost like I'm jealous that he got to socialize and get out of the house all day and I just need a break from Emily more than anything in the world. I stay up with her every night. I make sure not to wake anyone in the house if she's crying. It's exhausting! Everyone seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep and going about their routines as normal and I'm in this twilight zone of diapers, bottles and sleeping in 2 hour intervals. It can make someone crazy!! And I understand now how new moms can feel isolated and depressed. At the same time, I keep trying to stay positive. I know this hard time will pass by way too quickly and I'll miss it. I'll miss her being so dependent on me and I'll miss her staring into my eyes all day and night. #newmomproblems
I had this vision that my family would see my little girl and fall so madly in love with her that they would never leave her and we would be closer than ever. I pictured my Mom moving back to California right away and my sister moving back too. So far, that hasn't been the case and I understand. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean everyone's world stops, just mine. And realistically, what could I possibly ask of them? I can't ask or expect people to move states away for a baby that's not theirs! Luckily I have wonderful friends and inlaws (yes I consider them my inlaws even though the probability of James and I ever getting married is a 10 out of 100) to help keep me sane and give me breaks when needed. Having a baby is hard! Why anyone has more than one of them is beyond me. I could not imagine doing this if my step kids were still in diapers or were too young to keep themselves entertained unsupervised. I thought motherhood might give me super human strengths to do all the hard stuff Moms of multiple kids have, but I'm pretty bad at it still. The kids are lucky they get fed every morning and get lunches for school. I'm pretty incapable of being a "super mom".
And FYI, the only reason why I'm even able to write this blog is because my beautiful angel is sleeping in her car seat!
So to let you know a little bit of what Emily is doing at 4 weeks old....she's definitely over 9 pounds now but still fits perfectly in all her newborn clothes. I give her baths every other day and she LOVES them. She loves sitting in the warm water and when I pour water over her she smiles. And tries to drink it! She'll smile sometimes but it's always super quick and most of the time it's when she's sleeping. Plus, it's hard to tell if she's really smiling or just gassy. Speaking of gas, this girl is full of it!! You'd think she was made of pee and fart! So far I've only had one "full" poopy diaper and I actually had to cut her onesie off of her with scissors because it was filled with poop and I didn't know how else to get it off without getting poop everywhere! We sleep together every night. I used to be stuck on the couch but now we sleep in bed with James until she wakes up for the first time to be changed and fed, then I'll move into her room and sleep with her in the guest bed. She loves to snuggle with me while sleeping and can somehow sense if I get up and immediately wakes up and starts crying. I am definitely worried about when I move her to her crib to sleep and I know it's probably not the best idea to be sleeping with her but I love it! I love every second of it. I love watching her sleep on her side, hearing the little noises she makes, making eye contact with her when she opens her eyes. She is so so beautiful and I thoroughly enjoy all the mistakes I'm making already :)
For some reason my computer won't upload the pics I want to post of my little love muffin so hopefully my next blog I can show them. And hopefully I can blog again before 3 weeks from now!!
Love, Diana :)
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