Walking on egg shells.....

I love my daughter, I really do. I tell myself this every single minute of every single day. But God, 2 is the worse age ever! Every single second of the day she has a different emotion. Happy, sad, mad, crying, laughing, running, laying, throwing things, hugging, kissing, screaming, hitting. Trying to figure out what she wants and how to calm her and get her to listen to me is near impossible. And I can understand mood shifts. I'm a woman (1) and have been on anti-depressants (2) and I'm a woman! (3) so I get it! But I can't tell you how I quietly I tread on those egg shells to try to keep her happy, which in return keeps me happy.

When we have good days, they're GREAT days. I'm all smiles and just so happy and in love and can't see a bad day in sight. Our very best days and happiest moments for me are when we have no plans and I can just sit on the couch with her and watch her favorite cartoons on repeat. I love the few moments when she climbs onto my lap and lets me play with her hair or rub her back. When she's content, there's no word to describe the feeling. I'm relaxed, loving and hopeful. Then when we have a bad day, I feel like it's going to be like that for the rest of my life and I get stressed out and irritated. Just the other night I had a breakdown and James hugged me while I cried in the kitchen and promised me it was just her age and it would change and that we would get through it. But in the moment, when you're desperately telling (or yelling) for her to come sit and eat dinner and she refuses while giggling and running in circles, I think she'll never do a thing I ask in her life. And I wonder if it's socially acceptable to spank her when she's 15 years old refusing to clean her room/do homework/etc.

Aside from the normal grievances of living with a toddler, I feel confident. I may not be the best parent but I keep her clothed, clean, fed and out of harms way so I can't be doing all that bad. It would be nice if she was old and mature enough to turn to me and say "Mom, you're kinda alright" just to give me some form of reassurance. I said this to a friend the other day and they said "don't hold your breath, it probably won't happen til she's in her 30's" :/

I'm seriously considering getting her into some sort of acting gig. She has the biggest personality, has an overreaction to every single event (can't imagine where she got that from!) and she could be our cash cow. Maybe I should start videotaping and posting them to YouTube til she gets noticed by Ellen DeGeneres. That seems to be how it works these days. She's starting to learn that the kids go to school every day while she goes to daycare. I bring her in to the kids' daycare center with their backpacks so she can see how it works. She still doesn't get that every kid has their own mommy and seems to think of me as this blanket mom to every kid that she has to be territorial over. It's kinda cute, but I doubt any of the other kids are jealous of this kid. She'll be lucky if she makes it out alive, let alone feeling like screaming to the world "THIS IS MY MOMMY NOT YOURS!" I do love her kisses though. Sometimes she'll randomly come over to me and ask me for a kiss. Or she'll grab my face in her little hands and nuzzle my nose. Those are the moments where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Two seconds later when she's screaming for me to turn on the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or demanding cereal or a snack, I wonder where this little terrorist gets her set of balls from. Where did she learn along the short two years she's been here to talk like that to ME! If it was anyone else I would tell them to go fuck themselves, but Emily just has this spell over me.

Potty training is on the horizon. I can see it almost clearly. She'll constantly tell you right away after she pees or poops to get a new diaper and sometimes she'll ask to sit on her little potty but she still refuses to actually use it. I'm worried about the whole dynamic of having a potty trained child. Does this mean no more crib so she can get up on her own to use the bathroom? Does this mean I have to constantly be paranoid everytime I leave the house that she's going to pee in public? And most importantly, if I switch her to a toddler bed, will I start losing sleep? I can picture her breaking into our room at crazy hours throughout the night and morning telling us to wake up. I like the idea of having control on when she can and can't get out of bed. Maybe I'll wait another month or two to make any rash decisions. I mean, changing diapers isn't all that bad....

Recently, I've had to start getting the kids up earlier to have them dress, eat and brush hair and teeth before school at our house. This has been a challenge of it's own, but it's even more so because now Emily wants to copy everything they do. When she hears them getting ready she starts yelling for me to get her down. Then she wants to sit and eat cereal just like they do and put on her shoes and jacket just like they do. It's super adorable, don't get me wrong. It just leaves me with little to no time to get ready myself and I definitely look the worse when leaving the house. Yesterday I couldn't even remember if I had put on deodorant or perfume and since I have a 365 day cold (thanks to daycare germs) I can't smell anything.

The great news is I started taking one day a week for some "me" time. Every Wednesday night I go to a yoga class in town and leave James with the three kids. All to cook for and bath while I go namaste for an hour and a half. Part of me feels endlessly guilty about it but the other part knows that this is vital to me staying sane. I don't think I'll ever understand how families do it. How people make it out alive after raising children. Sometimes it's the greatest thing ever and I love that I'm a mom and (soon to be) wife. Other days.....well other days I'm just glad alcohol exists :)

Love,
Diana

My baby is 2!

I wanted to write this post on her actual 2nd birthday but go figure, I was too busy!

Emily is officially a toddler and not my little baby anymore :( Part of me is so sad to see her grow up because I want her to stay my little love bug forever but the other part of me is excited to see what kind of girl she'll grow up to be. So far she's a firecracker! So so much energy. Even on the night of her birthday we all just stared at her running from one toy to the next and never slowing down even as her bedtime came and went.

She is definitely spoiled!! My mom is in town and my Dad and Ingrid and her kids came over. Of course Nana and Papa and Aunt Tanya came over too and we watched her open or really watched her watch us open her gifts for her. She loves when the whole family is there and would spend the next two days saying everyone's name over and over. She got so many great gifts. A minnie mouse cheerleader that sings "Oh Mickey" and a mickey mouse that sings the hot dog song from her show she loves. She got a fred flinstone type car in pink and loves to ride around the house in it for hours. She got books, clothes and a keyboard and building blocks. The list goes on and on. It's so much fun to watch her get into something that interests her but it's also exhausting to watch her go. She is the never ending energy bunny.

The best part of her birthday was when all 15 of us huddled around singing Happy Birthday and she kept yelling at us to "STOP" and crossed her arms and pouted. Then when we cut her a piece of cake she pushed it away and said "I don't want any cake". If she's my daughter, she will never refuse cake in the future, but I'll let it slide this time. We filled her room with balloons the night before and I think that was her favorite part. All she wanted to do was play with the balloons and I felt so guilty when I had to pull her away to take her to daycare. That's probably the worse part of being a working parent is when your child is old enough to tell you they want to stay home and play and you can't allow that because you're in a hurry to get out the door and get to work. I cry most mornings on my way to the office because I hate leaving her. But then there's days when she's on a rampage and I can't wait to get back to work for a break from "the terrorist". 

Some people have been giving me a hard time about potty training coming up but I'm in no hurry for her to take that big step. I remember when Jamesy was still in diapers and it was such a nice quiet time for the both of us when I would change him. I would stare into his eyes and we would smile at each other and I would tell him how much I love him. Once he was potty trained I felt like I lost him as my little man and I'm in no hurry for Emily to take that big step into kid-hood and leave her needy mommy behind. I know I know it's not about me, blah blah blah but I'm not going to push her at all to use the potty, she can let me know when she's ready.

As far as motherhood is concerned, I feel like I'm getting a lot better. I have my ups and downs but with my Mom in town helping with the household chores and the kids it makes life so much more bearable. Work has been crazy busy which makes everything at home that much more stressful but with the holidays approaching I'm feeling relaxed and inviting the chaos instead of trying to run from it.

I'm mostly anxious and excited for my little sister. She's going to give birth any day to her first child, a little boy named Connor Thomas. I can't wait to meet him and hold him and change him. I can't wait to see my sister as a mother and to see how well she'll embrace motherhood. The hardest part will be when I leave to go see her and Connor after the new year for 5 days. I will not be taking Emily and it will be the first time I'll be apart from her for such an extended amount of time. I'm really nervous about it and hope I can handle it okay but I'm trying to stay positive and excited about my little nephew. My sister is all the family I have besides my parents and I will always look to her as my little girl which is why this baby is so important to me. She doesn't have the kind of support system I have here and I need to make sure I can be there for her any way possible. Raising children is the hardest thing you can do and when you don't get a break or have emotional support it can feel isolating and depressing. I plan on making her read all my blog entries as Connor hits the month milestones for some sympathy on her situation.

I wish I had more to say but it's been a hectic exhausting but also exciting month for me. I'm looking forward to Christmas morning when Emily sees the Minnie Mouse kitchen Santa got for her and her stocking full. I'm excited to have my Mom here to celebrate with us and all my DeLucia family that keeps me happy and sane. I'm excited to ring in the new year and beyond excited for what 2014 will bring to me and my family and friends. 2013 was extremely rough for me emotionally and I'm looking forward to having more and more breakthroughs where I can just relax, be me and most importantly be okay with that :)

Love,
Diana

The One With No Title.....

Well...my last entry was a hard one. It was not only hard to write, but also hard to be feeling those emotions. I am completely open and honest maybe to a fault, but it is who I am and I will make no apologies for it. I feel like we (we=mommies/women) should encourage open discussion on the realities of motherhood. For so long women have been expected to provide perfect little children with not so much as a tear in the process. We're not allowed to tell the truth and I call bullshit.

James randomly had an urge to read the last entry, and only the last entry, as he's never read my blog before. He was not very pleased to say the least but I made no apologies to him either. I'm not going to write a blog to constantly convey how amazing motherhood is. I feel like I have enough posts boasting about my daughter to be "allowed" to have a few where I want to crawl in a hole and die. I can say this for a few reasons. One being, I know he'll never read another post and two, being a father and mother are two totally different experiences. It shows how society has changed and is still conflicted on the roles of a father vs. the roles of a mother. I love James. He's an amazing partner, provider and father but he still thinks it's 1950. I will never be the perfect housewife, the calm and patient mother or even the amazing employee who can run circles around my office. I have and continue to spend too much of precious precious time trying and failing to perfect these three roles. I have exhausted all my abilities and knowledge to try and juggle or figure out what it takes to juggle this idea of perfection. And quite frankly, it's run me down. But I will not allow myself to feel guilty anymore. So what if I only wash our bed sheets once every two months instead of once every two weeks. So what if laundry piles up til there's no more clean socks or towels. And so what if I let Emily go to bed in her clothes instead of changing her into pajamas every night. I refuse to give into this idea of perfection. It's thrown upon women left and right. Not only are we now required to keep a perfect home and perfect children and do it with a smile on our face 24/7 but now we have to work full time jobs on top of it. So I'm learning (slowly) that I need to come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to do my job like I once was able to do and that I can no longer stay on top of the laundry and dishes like I once did. And as long as I'm happy and healthy and my family is happy and healthy, I don't see a problem with that.

But back to the nugget who is the subject of this series. Emily. She is starting to say SO much!! Full sentences and repeating words (I learned the hard way after she repeated "damn it" a couple of times). She can very clearly sing most of the ABC's. She loves to dance and be tickled. She makes the most theatrical faces I've ever seen on a child and it just cracks me up. We spend lots of quiet moments just making faces at each other and laughing. She's learning to put on her socks and shoes. She loves to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and will yell out words Mickey says to repeat. As soon as we walk in the door she'll run and hand me the remote control to turn on Mickey.

One day when we were driving in the car she said "I have an idea" and rubbed her chin like people do when pondering something important. James and I died laughing it was too funny. She'll walk up to me with a comb or hairbrush and try to comb my hair. She'll grab a phone and put it up to her ear and say "Hello Daddy" "Okay" and "Bye" while standing with one hand on her hip. She's definitely going to be very outgoing and the center of attention with her friends. I can see it already!

No matter how difficult it is at times, I'm beyond obsessed with her. She hugs me tight, calls me Mommy and will tell me she loves me if I tell her first. Now when I drop her off at daycare she holds me tight saying she wants to stay home with me and when I come to pick her up she runs to me yelling "mommy" and jumps into my arms. There is no feeling on this earth that is better than that. Having her hold onto me and being able to show her love is the greatest thing ever.

I know that one day Emily will read all of these posts. The good, the bad and the indifferent. But regardless of what the words on the paper read, she will always know her mother loves her, nourishes her and encourages her. And that's all she'll ever need.

- Diana

Point me to the nearest mental institution......

Holy hell!!!! To say I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired and depressed is a complete understatement. I hope no "moms-to-be" read this entry because I'm about to unleash a whole mess of why being a parent fucking sucks. Yes, I said it, it FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

I don't want to do it anymore....I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to do laundry anymore, I don't want to pick up and drop off kids, change diapers, give baths, listen to "mommy mommy mommy" over and over and fucking over again!!! I have zero privacy and absolutely no alone time. I can't even hear myself think 90% of the time because there's always some fucker in my ear whether it be at work or home. UGH!

I need a break so bad....so bad that I can actually see myself fleeing the country. James is not on the same page as me what so ever so I just drive him nuts with my begging for a break. I'm so annoyed with everyone at this point that just hearing a familiar voice is like finger nails on a chalkboard. I don't just need a day off or a massage or pedicure break. I need a fucking month off. I need to not be needed or wanted by anyone for an extended amount of time. I feel myself cracking and I feel like I'm yelling out for help and no one hears me (or cares, I'm not sure which). The worse part is the people I need to give me a break are at their breaking points too and in no position to offer any assistance.

Emily is cute, she's smart, she's amazing, she's the love of my life, but cheese and rice she doesn't go away for five fucking minutes!!! She's always there and always talking and asking for food or a bottle or to play with her. ALL THE FUCKING TIME! On top of that, Joli and James have no idea of the stress I'm under so they just keep talking and talking even if it's while Emily is yelling Mommy and Mommy over and over. Lately I just feel like it's a matter of days, if not, hours before I completely break. Before I end up running my car into the capital building to get a release. I don't know why I'm so agitated or emotional lately. I know all these phases will be short lived and "before I know it the kids will be older and moved out" blah blah blah but I'm tired of hearing that bullshit.

I literally feel like I'm invisible. Like I'm screaming and yelling and having a breakdown in front of people but no one is seeing me or hearing me. Everyone's just staring like "who's that crazy bitch in the corner"? All the while, expecting or waiting for me to do my next "chore". That's great that you're not feeling it lately, but can you help with dinner? Or that's too bad that you're feeling overwhelmed but can you go ahead and do X, Y and Z for me?

Emily, Joli and James better appreciate the shit out of us when they're older. Being a parent to small children is like being held hostage by a terrorist. And not a like minded, rational terrorist, but like Osama Bin Laden's sidekick terrorist. I can't take a shit or change my clothes unless Emily allows it first.

I really can't remember a time where I've felt so hopeless and frustrated. It's an uphill battle every morning just to get out of bed. I feel like I'm suffering from postpartum times 10....by the by it's taken me over 2 hours just to write this much because I keep getting interrupted. I fear for the next person who stops me from writing as they may not make it out of my office alive.

Part of me feels like I need to add stuff about Emily and how she's doing and what she's doing but the other part of me just doesn't feel like it. I'm just not in the mood to celebrate my daughter right now. I need a "me" break to just bitch and vent and hopefully that's all this is. Maybe I'll feel better once this is off my chest.....who am I kidding? I won't feel better til 9pm tonight when the kids are all in bed, I'm half tanked and can finally take a deep breath for the short lived break I'll get before passing out and waking up tomorrow to do it all over again....

Trying to find the time....

Holy crap! I can't believe it's been since May that I last recorded anything going on with my little nugget. Time is flying by way faster than I can keep up with. I'm desperate for time to stand still just for a minute so I can soak in all that's going on.

If I haven't mentioned before, James and I are finally going to take the plunge and get married next June. I've been trying not to stress out too much about wedding planning and just focusing on one thing at a time but I know it's going to creep up on me before I know it and I'll have nothing finalized. At least so far I've gotten a wedding dress, the venue and some decorations for the reception. I'm also sending out save the dates this week so I feel a little more confident right now than I will in say about 3 months!

The holidays are quickly approaching and we have Jamesy turning 8 already!!! Then Emily turning 2! Then my sister having her baby, oh and don't forget about Turkey Day and Xmas in the meantime!! Then we get to finish it all of with Joli's birthday. She's turning 10. The stress is already starting to seep into my veins......

But onto more important things. Emily. She is so wonderful. I say it every time I write an entry but I just can't say it enough!!! She has the biggest personality of any little tot I've seen. She loves to play and laugh and watch Spongebob along with a few other cartoons. As soon as we get home from daycare she'll point to the TV and say "Spongebob". Sort of....she'll say something that sounds like Spongebob.

She loves to sing and dance. Another little girl at her daycare has taught her Twinkle Twinkle and her ABC's and now she's learning to count to 10!! She's a genius!!

I'm also happy to report that after a short stint of being a Daddy fan only, she's finally come back around to her Mommy :) Just last night, her Dad asked her for a kiss and she said "no Mommy kissy" and came and gave me a kiss instead. She's been such a delight to hang out with. She loves to eat chips and salsa with me and we'll watch cartoons or go shopping together. The latter is a little more difficult since Emily seems to think stores are just big houses with all her stuff in it. Most of the time to make it enjoyable, we'll get a pack of goldfish crackers and let her go to town while we shop.

Joli is in gymnastics now and is constantly doing cartwheels and somersaults and all kinds of flips so Emily tries to mimic her. So far she's able to do side ways somersaults. She loves to read books and have books read to her. She's so good about nap times and bed times. She'll be the first to guide you to her room or her bottle when she's ready to go lay down. Oh and she's OBSESSED with brushing her teeth! Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but every five minutes she's saying "come mommy" and ushering me over to follow her to the bathroom and then she points at the counter saying "teeth" until I brush her teeth for her or let her do it.

A few months ago her new obsession was blowing on our stomachs to make a fart sound. She thinks that's hilarious! I don't appreciate it when she wants to show off my belly in public though....

One thing we do need to work on with her is her food choices. If it was up to her she'd eat nothing but crackers and chips everyday all day and since it's so easy to give her a handful of we tend to slack on healthier food choices. Hopefully since the kids are back in school and we're back on a routine she'll have more well rounded dinners :)

We bought her a potty not too long ago but she's only used it once for Nana and that's it. Sometimes she says she has to go potty and will sit on it for a minute but she quickly gets bored and moves on to something else. I'm in no hurry to potty train her though. I remember those days with Jamesy and just feeling so much closer to him when I had to change his diaper. I will be devastated when she's using the potty like a big girl. She loves bath time so I just bought her some crayons that she can use on the bathtub but that rub off with a towel so she's having fun with those. She loves bubbles and will point outside and yell "bubbles" begging us to get them for her.

There's just so many wonderful, cute and smart things she's doing every day that I wish I could remember and document every little thing. It's killing me to know she's growing up so fast and before I know it she'll be 20 asking me what her first word was. I don't even know if I remember!!!?? I want to have documents of all of it and it's frustrating to know that's not possible. At least not as possible as I'd like it to be! One thing I know won't change and that I'll always remember is how obsessively in love I am with this little girl. I'm not even sure if it's healthy how much I love her. She is just the greatest thing in the world, my world at least and I can't imagine one second without her. I miss her all 9 hours that I'm away at work and every second I leave her with a sitter. Her smile, her little chunky legs running around the house and the way she pronounces her S's just make my life so much greater. She's like Prozac but free and without having to wait in line every month for refills.

My little sister will soon be embarking on this great adventure of motherhood. She is expecting her first little nugget in late December. It's a BOY!!!! I wish there was a male version of Diana so she could name him after her favorite big sister :)  I know she will finally understand what I've been saying for the past 20 months once he gets here. I'm so excited for her because we're a lot alike and I know being a Mom will affect her like it's affected me (in a good way!) and I can't wait to look into her eyes and know that she now knows what I now know.....

Love,

Diana :)

17 Months....Can I be done now???

Well.....so much for my "mini me". Emily has quickly turned into a child from hell. A cute, still lovable child, but still a descendant from Satan himself. I'm hoping this is just a little minor terrible 2's come early type of thing but who knows..She's actually really really smart and for such a young age she knows exactly what she wants and when she wants it and if you don't abide then you'll get an earful. It's kinda like living with my Mom all over again except Emily is way tinnier and I can't quite understand 90% of what she's saying.

Apparently, my mother in law tells me that she is just like her Daddy! Oh yay.....let me fill you in on James a little as a child. He was SO energetic and pushy and demanding. He was a handful to say the least. I'm sure a cute lovable handful, but still a handful. He would refuse to wear the clothes his parents bought him and by 14 starting working to support his habit because they couldn't handle his picky clothing needs any longer. Emily tends to yell what she wants instead of speaking in a normal tone. She likes to yell that everything is hers. If she sees you with something she wants, prepare to have it ripped from your hands. She digs through the garbage, gets a hold of her wipes and streams them all over the house and is constantly digging through drawers. There is no way to baby proof a house enough from this child, except maybe to add white padded walls and a straight jacket. Her new thing is to throw all her food from her high chair to the floor which is fun.

Public is probably the scariest place for me right now with a toddler. She completely skipped the walking stage and went straight to running. Not little kid, oh I can catch up to her running, but sprinting like it's a marathon. The second you put her down in public, she's off like a race horse and good luck catching her. Not to mention the kicking and screaming and squirming that comes when you do manage to rein her in. And she's not a fan of being strapped in to seats or stuck on laps. She wants to explore the world on her own and we're just holding her back at this point. And forget discipline. She must be made of iron. I try the hand slap and she just laughs at me. Stern voice or disappointing looks, she just laughs. Time outs? She throws everything out of her crib. I have a feeling I'm in for SOME ride the next 18 years....

Daycare is becoming more and more interesting as she's getting older too. She doesn't limit her food throwing tendencies to just our house but likes to throw things at her daycare's walls and see if it sticks. My good friend Cheryl has her daughter in the same daycare (she's a few months younger) and when I come to pick Emily up, both the girls will be at the front door waiting to find out whose mom is arriving. Instead of just being excited that it's me, she will immediately turn to Ava (my friends daughter) and push her down!!! PUSH HER DOWN!!! Who does that??? And it's not like Ava is in her way or yelling for me, she'll just turn around and push her. So rude.....

BUT....aside from her shenanigans, she really is such a great kid. Like I said earlier, she's super smart. She just heard one of her toys say "I'm happy" and now she walks around saying "I'm happy" clear as day. It's very cute (and reassuring) to hear. She tries to say "I love you" but it's harder to decipher. She can tell you when she poops. Becca just brought over a pair of Joli's old toy princess heels and Emily loves to wear them around the house. You'll hear a little click click as she jets down the hallway with her new shoes on. She loves to lift up my shirt in public. Apparently she wants everyone to see the damage she did to my body but it's very embarrassing. If she takes my phone and hides it, all I have to do is ask for it back and she'll go bring it to me. If you tell her to throw something away, she will (for the most part).

She's still madly in love with her sister and brother. She loves to yell their names over and over until they acknowledge her. She likes to sit in their laps while they play with their ipods. OOOH!!! And she's finally into cartoons. Her favorite (and mine thank goodness) is Spongebob so we watch a lot of that. She loves Elmo too and asks for him a lot but Sesame Street is so boring and they only show Elmo for like 2 minutes an episode. I can sit and watch Spongebob with her all day! Unfortunately she's a little more into her Dad's music genre than mine. I guess it's harder for a 17 month old to dance to emo music rather than hip hop, but I'm hoping one day she'll have good taste in music.

Most days are difficult for me. Especially lately. I feel SO pulled apart from working full time and the home life that I cry often these days. I'm working on coming up with some solutions to my stress but in the meantime I'm starting to re-think pushing all my friends to have kids of their own. It's not even the amount of work that goes into it for me but the worry. The constant, nagging worry of being a parent. How am I fucking up my children?? Am I not listening enough to them or do I listen too much. Should I be more or less affectionate. Am I teaching them anything? Am I scarring them for life? The list goes on and on. It's exhausting to feel like you have these extra detached limbs that you're constantly worried are going to fall off. For some reason Dads don't feel this, or at least not quite as much as Moms because James doesn't seem to be bothered or worried about his parenting. Even when I'm away from Emily, all I do is think about her and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'll find out when she's in her 20's and either still lives at home or wants nothing to do with me.

In the meantime I'm trying to remember to "enjoy every moment" but it's hard when you are so tired you actually consider committing a crime for a break. Jail seems like a vacation compared to the daily routine. But I kiss Emily every morning and every night like it's the first and last time because I don't want to forget a moment of her. Just her.

Love,
Diana :)

My 16 month old little love bug!

My little baby girl....she is the best!!! She's learning more words every day and she's practically speaking sentences at this point. It's just I don't understand a lot of it. hahaha Her new thing is "I'm hungry" and "Hi ya" and "hey baby" It's SO cute to hear her say these words. She keeps calling her brother Sissy because it's easier for her or she's saying Jamesy and I'm not giving her credit for knowing her shit. She loves her Uncle and will call him all the time. She says Auntie and it's too cute!!

We went to Disneyland last week for her first time ever!!! It was by far one of the best vacations I've ever had. We took the 3 kids, their mom and my inlaws. We had such a great time and Emily could pretty much ride all the rides even though she's soo teeny tiny. Here's some pics of her as Snow White and after an exhausting 3 days trekking around the park.

UGH!!! Computers suck!! hahaha I can not figure out how to work this stupid thing. But anyways, that's my sweet pea.

She LOVED It's a Small World. She didn't like the different characters. When I tried to take pictures with her and Goofy, she just yelled "NO" (that's her sign for people to go away). The other rides she just mostly held on to the closest adult terrified. But she didn't cry or try to climb out of the rides so I was happy with that :)

She did fall asleep twice. Once during Pirates of the Caribbean and then once during Captain EO. Those aren't the rides I'd choose to sleep through, but to each their own....

Every morning she'd wake up and say "Nana" til someone got her out of bed. She was such a sweet little princess and I'm so thankful she made the trip amazing instead of dreadful. haha

The big kids had a blast!!! Joli got to get her hair and makeup done like a princess and all the staff called her Princess for the rest of the day. Jamesy got to build his own double light saber. That must of been his highlight because it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Joli was a really good sport about riding the scary rides. I think the scariest was a moving Ferris Wheel. I was scared too though so I can't blame her :)

The ride was quick down to So Cal and the ride home was long and painful. By the end Emily was cranky and ready to get back home. She loves her new Minnie Mouse stuffy that her Cousin Joe got her.

Otherwise, everything is as it's been. Oh, it's super cute to see her with her new little cousin Arianna. She is such a doll and I'm in love with being a new Auntie. Emily is very careful around the baby and always says "Uh oh" if Arianna starts crying. She even took her new doll, which is a baby, and carries it around like we carry Arianna. It's so cute to see her motherly instincts kick in. Here's a pic of her and her Aunt Tanya and baby cousin Arianna from last night.

She is just the light of my life. I love all 3 of my kids so much and am so proud of them. I can't wait to see what's to come with my baby girl and my other little love muffins. Hopefully only good things!!! Or at least, hoping the good things outweigh the bad :)

Love,
Diana :)

Almost 15 months!!

Emily is so amazing. I know every parent probably thinks this at one time or another, but my kid is a frickin' genius!! GENIUS!

Last weekend she pooped her diaper and we asked her to go get her diapers and wipes and sure enough, the kid gets up walks to her room and brings back a diaper!! Granted, I had to go give her the wipes but halfway through her walk back to the family room, she actually stopped, put down the diaper and wipes and carried them a different way as to free up one hand. She'll repeat any word we tell her to (not four letter ones!! I know you all know how we work). Her favorite word right now is owie. Even when she's not hurt, she just says owie. She LOVES to call out "Mommy" while we're driving and as soon as I say "what" or "yes", she just says "hi" and repeats this over and over until we get to our destination. She's learning more and more how things work and learning to puts toys inside bigger toys and vice versa. Watching her figure things out is amazing.

She's still the happiest kid on the planet. She just recovered from a very bad ear infection, cold and pink eye and you wouldn't know it if she didn't look like shit. She never cried and still slept through the night (for the most part). We even had to put eye drops in her 4 times a day for a week plus oral antibiotics twice a day and she always took it like a champ. Except for her last dose....Daddy had to chase her around the house til he could catch her and pin her down. She loves to say NO! And she means it!!

If anyone needs help in raising this beautiful girl, it's me. She's doing everything right and I'm realizing that I'm doing things wrong. Hopefully not terribly, permanent damage wrong, but still wrong. She's always at my feet to pick her up and I always oblige. I read this week that I need to set expectations with her at this age and not give in to her every want. And when she does something wrong and I give her a stern "No" or smack on the hand and she cries, I immediately pick her up to console her. I need to let her have a tantrum and figure it out on her own once in a while. It's going to be very difficult for me. Before Emily got here (refer to pregnancy posts and word of mouth) I swore that kid wouldn't get the best of me, but here I am, almost a year and a half in and she can walk all over me. It's so hard though, she's so damn cute I just can't say no! But that's how evil spoiled children are born so I better watch it.....

Aside from my wonderful life with Emily, the kids and James, I'm feeling like maybe I'm starting to accept other peoples different roles in my life. I have to admit that I'm super disappointed in my mother's role in mine and Emily's lives. It's upsetting to have her live so far away, by choice mind you, and not be here to support me or her first grandchild when we need her. It kinda feels like being abandoned all over again. It's frustrating to feel that way and a waste of time. It's really my fault for expecting something different even though I know how she is. But I think every child expects their parents to finally do the right thing, even when they don't, over and over again. I wish my Dad was more involved in my daughter's life and mine by helping out. I only have James' family when it comes to anything, really, and I understand how truly lucky I am to have them and how lucky Emily is to have them in her life as well, but it's hard when my parents are so close yet so uninvolved.....

But I digress. Emily is a genius and I'm sticking to it. Every day she amazes me with the new things she says and learns to do. She'll throw away food that falls on the floor without asking. She'll bring you her shoes and she can even throw a basketball!! My little love is the best!

Love,
Diana :)

Promises, Promises

My Dearest Sweet Love Emily Ann,

I love you with all of my heart and I always will. I promise you I will be there for you for as long as I live. I promise to be understanding, patient and loving to you. Even though there will plenty of times that I'm the exact opposite! I promise to be overprotective and over bearing because that's what Mothers do. I promise to be nosey when you're a teenager. I promise to freak out if you dye your hair pink, even though I did it too as a teenager. I promise to be proud of you always, even when I don't agree with your decisions. I promise that lying to you about Santa Claus will be the only big lie I will tell you. I may make up some other crap along the way, but nothing as serious as lying about where all your gifts come from on Xmas.

I promise to screw up, probably a lot. Just like you, I'm only human and the one thing you can count on with humans, is that they all make mistakes. I promise to remember that you're only human too when you make mistakes. I promise to get angry for stupid shit but I also promise to calm down and apologize when I'm at fault. I promise to try and raise you to the best of my ability. I promise to teach you to do your own laundry and clean your own room because when you're an adult you will thank me for instilling independence. I promise to help you with your homework until it's too difficult for me to figure out. Then, I'll promise to make Daddy help you with it :)

I promise that when you're older and meet someone and fall in love, to be supportive of your relationships regardless if you choose someone unemployed and covered in tattoos. As much as those relationships will worry me and upset me, the thought of you not having support will hurt way worse. And I promise to be there silently while you mourn the loss of those relationships.

When you have children of your own, I promise to be there for you when you're pregnant and scared (or excited!). I promise to be there to help you with your children. I promise to stay close to you so that if you need me in the middle of the night I can rush right over. I promise to love and care for your children as I did with you (or better!).

Always remember your older siblings will be your best bet into guiding you through childhood with two crazy parents. Joli will teach you how to do your own makeup when you're way too young to learn. Jamesy will teach you the best lies to tell when you're in trouble. But they will help you when you need it. They will take you and your friends places you shouldn't be going and help you sneak in and out of the house. They will also teach you how to fold towels and take out the trash.

Above all, I promise there will be times when you "hate" me but I will buck up and keep positive because I know there will be a time when you're sorry you said those words and will love me again. There will be screaming fits and tantrums and doors slammed in my face but you will always ALWAYS be my little girl and I will always forgive you and love you no matter what happens. And I hope that you will always forgive me and love me regardless of the mistakes that I will make along the way.

Most of all.....I promise NOT to say "I told you so".....to your face. 

Love ALWAYS, your Mommy :)

13 going on 30 (months that is)

I can't believe I haven't blogged since November!! Just shows how crazy life has become and keeps getting! I'm so frustrated because I absolutely LOVE 13 months on Emily. She is SO much fun and wonderful and chatty and happy and sweet and loving and I just want to spend every waking second taking all of it in. I want to freeze this time so I can take advantage of it for as long as possible. But everything else in life keeps getting in the way. hahaha Every time I turn around, it's someone's birthday or Xmas or work, etc. preventing me from being all consumed with Emily. I could easily cut everything else out of my life and just focus on her. It's definitely not healthy and of course I wouldn't allow it to happen, but I could do it. And be very happy :)

So, let's delve into Emily's first birthday since I missed blogging about it sooner. We had a little get together at our house (with a mere 35 people!!) and had lots of food and beer and presents!! Emily was not sure why all these gifts were sitting around and everyone was watching her, but she loved seeing her brother, sister and Auntie Andrea help her open gifts and learn to play with them. Her favorite gift was by far a rocking pony my Dad and Ingrid got her that's furry, pink and it talks and sings. We all find it creepy but she's obsessed with it!! She loves to bounce up and down while the pony sings and will keep pressing her ear over and over til we memorize, eat sleep and dream the rock 'n rider pony song......

She got a few fake cell phones which she enjoys too since we're always on our phones or tablets at the house. There's also a little dog stuffed animal that talks and sings if you push his paws. Apparently it's very popular right now because she got 4 of them!! She got a lot of walkers and clothes. She was a doll all day for her "fans" And she even wore the birthday hat I got her and to this day comes over and asks me to put it on. I think it reminds her of the day when everything was about her. hahaha The cake eating didn't go over too well. She was not into making a mess and couldn't understand why everyone was sticking their fingers in her cake trying to get her to eat it.

She did enjoy her guests singing Happy Birthday :)

I can't even begin to explain the love I have for this child. Even when she's a pain in the ass I still just want to be near her. She's just getting over a really bad cold and ear infection and a few nights she wasn't sleeping well, if at all. I hated to be sleeping away from her those nights and would sometimes just sit in her dark room while she slept not wanting to leave her side in case she needed me for even a second.

We tried taking her to the snow for the first time last weekend. She is a complete NIGHTMARE in the car. You can't take her on a 5 minute drive down the road without her screaming and crying the entire time. Imagine 3 hours with 2 other kids in the car and then Emily crying the whole ride. She doesn't take a break, she doesn't sleep, she just yells and yells. James and Joli had more fun in the snow than her (to be expected) and I've decided once again that I will not travel with her until she's older and can verbalize her issues with being in a car. It would be nice if she could verbalize anything at this point. The hardest part about this age is her just wanting me to hold her all day. I don't mind it too much because I know it will pass and one day she'll want nothing to do with me, but I wish I could at least do the dishes or a load of laundry without her holding her arms up for me to pick her up and crying. It seems as long as I'm sitting down doing nothing she's okay, but God forbid I have to do something and she's all up in my shit. Again, I try not to get too irritated since I know this will pass but it's frustrating when I see James and the other kids enjoying their quiet time while I'm trying to fight off Ms. Needy-Pants.

She's fully walking at this point, won't crawl at all. She knows how to get off the couch and bed but still too short to climb up them. She'll climb up stairs but can't get down. You know, the typical baby walking stuff. She loves to eat and you'd think she would be 50 pounds by now with the appetite she's got. She loves vegetables for the most part and fruit. She likes steak and chicken and rice. She loves potatoes and I even fed her some salad the other night that she liked. She loves when you let her drink out of a big kid cup. She's very ticklish and I love to try and make her laugh. So does her big brother!! He's always tackling her (gently of course) and blowing on her belly to make funny noises. She loves to be around him and Joli and is usually a lot more content when they're home.

Time is going by too quickly. With Emily and the other kids. Joli is turning 9 tomorrow!!! My little girl who once wanted to be Ariel from Disney is now wanting to do big kid stuff like ride horses and play with her American Girl dolls and on her DS. Saturday she gets her first official birthday party where she gets to invite her girlfriends from school. We're taking her to a ranch in Livermore to go horseback riding with a few of her friends. She's going to have so much fun and I'm very happy she'll have her Mom back to celebrate her birthday with. She's so helpful around the house and with Emily. She does well in school and has lots of friends. She's just a great kid all the way around and I'm so so proud of her and am in love with the little girl she's growing up to be. I just don't want puberty to come. I remember those days and I'm not looking forward to her wearing bras and makeup and talking on the phone about boys. UGH! Where is a time machine when you need one!!!

UMMMMM HELLO!!!!! You can tell what a cluster fuck my life is because I forgot the biggest news of all!!!! James proposed to me on Xmas eve!!!! It was so so beautiful and sweet and I couldn't be happier. We drove to look at Xmas lights in an area of San Ramon that we check out every year at least once. We decided that after dinner we would go look at lights. So James drives (he said it was so I could enjoy the lights this time) and we start to go our usual route. We stop at this one street that has their lights blink to the Xmas music played over a local radio station and then move to the next court which doesn't look quite as lit up so at first I thought it was odd but James is his own man so I figured he knew where he wanted to go. We get up to the top and I see Xmas lights shining and as we make the turn to the left to circle the court, there it is! A huge lit up board that reads "DIANA WILL YOU MARRY ME?" I freaked out!!! I started crying and yelling "oh my god" over and over. I could barely see the beautiful ring through my tears. The poor kids were in the back seat and couldn't see what was going on so they just kept asking "WHAT?" "WHAT?" over and over. James came around to my side of the car, opened the door and asked me to marry him. I was so caught off guard I forgot to say yes until we drove home!!! His wonderful brother and Mom had driven the sign up and hooked it up before we got there. They waited around in the dark to see the surprise. It was so fantastic and everything I could have ever dreamed of in a proposal. It turns out James and his cousin Mikey spent a few days prior buying the material, putting the sign together and asking the house on that court if they could use an extension cord and their power to light up the sign. Afterwards James' Mom and brother brought the sign to our house and set it up on our front lawn where it stayed, lit up, for a week :) The ring is at a jewelers getting re-sized for a few weeks and I already feel naked without it. I can't wait to start wedding planning (which I've already done)!!!

I hate that I can't figure out how to flip my pictures right side up.....It's amazing I can get myself dressed every morning.

Anywho, a whole lot has been going on lately and I couldn't be happier. Less stressed, but not happier :)

Love,
Diana :)

All rainbows and unicorns!

I feel like yesterday I found out I was pregnant and here it is, Emily is almost a year old. This time last year I was getting ready for my last day at work before maternity leave and finishing up stuff for Emily's room and now I'm planning her 1st birthday party. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. If I take the time to think about everything going on I panic. I have to keep my mind on one day at a time thinking or I'd probably explode from the overwhelm.

I feel like before I had Emily, I used to think a lot about the what ifs. What if me and James never got back together, what if I stayed in the mortgage industry or stayed in Orange County when I was in my mid 20's. But now I never think about that. I immediately panic that any other scenario would mean that Emily would not be here and that's just not fathomable. I can't imagine having my daughter with anyone else but James and I couldn't imagine a world where I didn't have Joli or Jamesy either. Emily has made me love life so much more than I ever did before. I try to explain it to my friends who don't have kids (yet) but it's so hard to put in words what having a child does for you and your life, in a good way! I feel so much less insecure. It's like now I know I have a purpose and what that purpose is. It's to be Emily's mom and nothing else on this planet matters more than that. As long as her and I are together we could live in a cardboard box or a mansion and I wouldn't notice or care either way. It's almost like having bad eye sight for your whole life where colors are just blurred together and you can't really tell the difference between black and purple and all of a sudden you have a baby and the colors are so much clearer. You can see every shade of black and purple. It's like a light bulb that gets brighter as soon as you have that baby. The whole world makes sense.

By the way, I've been writing this post for 3 days now. I keep getting interrupted at work and side tracked and if I'm lucky this post will be published before Emily's first birthday!

There's so much going on but I don't even know where to start so I'll just document what the little munch has been up to. She's almost walking. I mean, she can walk, she just won't do it very often. We've seen her take up to 7 steps at one time but can never get her to duplicate it so there's still no photographic evidence that she can walk. She loves to wave and say "bye" all the time, even if people aren't going anywhere. She's saying Momma a lot lately which I love!! And she's been a lot more affectionate with the family. She does get shy sometimes and will hide her head in my shoulder which I think is just adorable!! She'll give open mouth kisses. She puts her arms up way high in the air over her head when she wants to be picked up, which is often! haha She's still so happy all of the time. She sleeps through the night still which is amazing and so much appreciated. She really is an easy easy baby. The only gripe I would have is that she eats non stop. Like literally will continue to stuff her face if you keep putting food in front of it. Right now I don't even think she chews her food. She just stuffs it in and swallows and waits for the next bite! So far she hasn't choked but I'm guessing it's bound to happen if she doesn't slow her roll. She eats more than anyone in the house does and she only weighs 20 lbs!!

I still miss her while I'm working. I love my job and I'm glad I'm not a stay at home mom but some days are harder than others to leave her with her sitter. Like today for instance, I would give anything to be at home playing with her on the floor by ourselves all day. We don't get to do that often, if at all and I'm scared I'm going to regret not being with her more when she's older. Part of me is so excited and anxious to see what kind of little girl she'll grow into and the other part of me just wants her to stay a baby forever. I love babies! I love changing diapers and making bottles. I love being needed and caring for someone whose so cute and tiny. I see why people have multiple children, especially when the baby grows into a toddler. I'm not such a fan of older kids. hahaha

Life is still pretty overwhelming. If I take the time to stop and think about everything going on, I'll make myself crazy. I just keep trying to go day to day and minute to minute to keep the stress and anxiety at bay. But I can't complain. I love my kids, I love James and my family and friends. We have a great support system. We're all happy and healthy and that's all that matters.

-  Diana

9 Months Old!

My little love muffin is 9 months old today. The time has flown by so fast and I'm glad I've been enjoying every second of it (so far). I wouldn't be surprised if she started walking tonight when I get home just because she seems to know every week and month to do something new and exciting to devastate her mom and dad into realizing she's no longer our little newborn :(

I'm so madly in love with Emily. I miss her every day now that I'm working full time. It's nice to do something other than just be around kids all day but I do miss getting stuff done around the house, the lack of stress I felt and the extra sleep I could sneak in :)

I just don't understand how other families do this day in and day out with no end in the near future. If I think about the fact that I still have 18 years before Emily will move out and me and James will finally be alone I think, shit, I won't want to be alone then. What am I going to do at almost 50!? Hopefully James and I will still be up for some fun when they're adults.

My biggest fear of having a baby and being pregnant was not knowing what to expect. Day to day I had no idea what was happening to my body and every day I worry about what will happen to Emily but so far I've gone 9 months with nothing major happening and I feel like once I hit the 1 year mark, I'll be able to breath a little. I remember being around Jamesy when he was a little over a year old and nothing happened that I couldn't handle from that point until now so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky with Emily as I've been with him. Kids stress me out!! I'm paranoid she's going to puke, choke, cry, hurt herself or worse 24/7. I feel like I need to be sedated just to get by each day with out having a panic attack worrying about all the "what ifs". I was really hoping that would have subsided after the pregnancy but now I just worry about other things.

So far James and I are on schedule to have little Ms. Em walking by 10 months. She's so close to being ready. She'll completely stand on her own, one hand supporting her. She'll go to a sitting position from standing and vice versa very easily and quickly now. She just learned to shake her head "no". It's so stinking cute!!! She doesn't know she's saying no obviously but she just shakes her head side to side. The kids and I just laugh and laugh at all the funny cute things she does.

Speaking of the kids, they are so wonderful. I'm so so lucky to have them here enjoying having a baby sister and having Emily enjoy them. She just wants to be wherever her sister is. She crawls to Joli's room ALL the time and wants to watch them play together or watch TV or play video games. She loves to hear them read and gets so giddy the minute she sees her sister or brother. She just adores them and they seem to adore her too. I feel so lucky to have them because they are a huge help when I need to switch over laundry or take a shower. Any time they'll watch Emily for me while I do other things around the house. They help pick out her clothes, help me bath her and get diapers, wipes, food, etc. whenever we ask them to. Jamesy said he's going to teach Emily how to swim, play kickball, brush her teeth without swallowing toothpaste and how to do math. He's so adorable!! And he promised his Dad that he would keep boys away from her when she gets older :)

Of course with all the love and excitement I have over being with Emily, there's the typical downside of being a mother. I constantly feel "left out" to a certain extent of just life in general. I miss being able to run to the store or get a pedicure or do anything quite frankly without having to plan three peoples schedules just to make it happen. As much as I like getting out of the house with the kids, I hate it because it's always harder to take care of a baby somewhere away from home. If she's tired, where will she sleep? If she needs to eat, where will I stop to feed her? Is there a bathroom close by in case she poops or the kids have to go? Does it have a baby changing table!!?? Will the massive stroller fit? It just goes on and on. I miss my time alone sometimes. I miss being able to come home to a quiet, empty house and just doing whatever I want to do. I know that's part of being a mom but it doesn't make it any easier. I see now why they say stay at home moms are some of the most depressed lonely people. I quickly miss adult interaction when I've been with the kids by myself for too long. I get irritated with constantly having people who need me all the time. I don't get "Hey Diana, what can I do for you today?" I get "Diana, I need...." "Diyaya, what's for dinner???" "why is there no clean laundry" "why are the dishes dirty" "Where are my parts" "Did you sell this job, make an appt.?" "Did you do this, do that, etc" It just goes on and on. I'm tempted to start saving for one of those celebrity rehab centers where they go when they're suffering from "exhaustion". I'm at such a low point feeling so worn down, that I don't even think a few hours or day away would revive me enough to keep going. I need a week off. Preferably somewhere sunny with a beach and lots of frozen drinks :)

We are going to a wedding next week in LA for one of James' cousins and Joli gets to be the flower girl. She is so so excited and I'm excited for her and for James' cousin, but all I can think about it having to travel with a baby. Having to shack up in a hotel room with a baby. Trying to find a place to make her bottles and change her diapers and feed her jars of food away from home where it's so convenient and easy. How will the five of us sleep in a hotel room with one bathroom?? I think this is going to be WAY more stressful than fun. James seems to think it's a piece of cake to have a baby anywhere so hopefully he'll be hands on Dad this trip so I can enjoy 5 minutes of it :)  And that last statement upsets me....I say things like that and then immediately think it's so selfish of me. I have a baby, I have to learn to buck up and get over it and come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer mine alone and it won't ever be again. And then I beat myself up for feeling that way because somewhere inside I believe that it's okay for me to feel that way and for me to want breaks or need some time off. It's like being at a constant tug of war with my feelings. Nothing I feel is okay to feel and then I get depressed because I still feel that way regardless if it's right or wrong.

But at the end of the day, I'm very happy and I can't complain. I love love my little girl and my beautiful step kids. The three of them are the reason why I am half way decent of a person and why I work so hard. I can't wait to keep seeing how the three of them grow up and see who they'll become and what they'll do with their lives. I just hope I don't fuck them up too much along the way :)

Love, Diana

I FINALLY HAVE 5 MINUTES!!!

Wow oh wow. I can't believe I finally have 5 minutes and a computer to write a blog post! There has been so much going on that I can't even think to include but I'll put in the most important details of my little love muffin.

Emily is now 8 months old (as of last Saturday) and just the sweetest, greatest child anyone could possibly ask for. Seriously she is so perfect that I can't believe I'm so lucky to have her as my child. She is happy all the time, amazingly smart and funny and beautiful. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and I can't wait for all the years to come and to see what kind of girl she will grow up to be. I'm hoping she will have my patience and sense of humor and her Dads smarts and self confidence.

At about 6 months she was able to sit up on her own but she wasn't a big fan of it and would make herself fall back over to her tummy or back. Shortly after that she started sprouting teeth and has her two front bottom teeth and two upper K9 teeth popping through. She didn't suffer from teething at all (so far!) No fever, no crankiness or lack of sleep or appetite. She was a trooper :) And she also around that time started to do the army crawl. She won't get up on all fours to crawl but she scoots her body with her hands and legs all over the floor. By 7 months she was a pro at it and can scoot from one part of the family room to other in a blink of an eye. Now a days she's sitting up by herself and starting to crawl the steps a little bit. She can now crawl to a standing position by holding onto the couch or a table or someone's legs. She's such a big girl and the time has just flown by. One night she figured out how to crawl two steps to the kitchen area from the family room and we all stood around watching and as soon as she made it up we started clapping and yelling and she freaked out because we were so loud and in her face that she started crying. It was so cute!

I wish I could just stop time for a little bit so I can continue to enjoy every stage that she enters. It feels like every Monday she knows she's supposed to be doing something new and she does! Before I can grasp every little change, she starts doing something else exciting. It's so fun to see but also a bummer because my little baby is no longer a baby. She is growing into a toddler quicker than I'm ready for :(

She started saying dada over and over and nana over and over at around 6 to 6 1/2 months. Now she started with actual googoo and gagas. She doesn't know she's saying anyones name but it's nice to pretend she's calling for me when I hear mamama. But she is smart enough to know if you say "where's sister" to look around the room for Joli and same with big brother and Mommy and Daddy. She loves to grab everything and I mean EVERYTHING to see what it does, feels like, tastes like, etc. And she will stick anything in her mouth that fits. She's starting to figure out the noises she can make by slamming two toys together or throwing them. She does this cute little thing with her hands and fingers like she can't believe that she's making them move a certain way. She still loves bath time and loves to smack the water and splash it all over the tub (and her Mommy!). She's always on the move. She wants to crawl everywhere and grab at everything she can. Cell phones, ipads and remote controls are her favorite :)

We started her on jar baby food a little after her 6 month mark. I had a hard time because it was so messy and proved she was a big girl so I was hesitant but it was quickly obvious to me and everyone around that she was ready for big girl food and she wants plenty of it!! She's now up to 3 or more jars per day plus her bottles in between and at bed time. She's a moose!!! I'm constantly running to the store to get more formula or baby food. But she's gotten so good at eating jar food that she doesn't even need a bib anymore.

Everything she does is so stinking adorable I can hardly take it. She wakes up happy and giggly and entertains herself in her crib until someone comes to get her. The only time she gets upset is if she's really really hungry or wants to play with something she's not supposed to play with and you take it away. I hope she will always be so happy and carefree. Wish I could say the same for myself! hahaha

Being a Mom is so much harder than I could have imagined, and that's with giving birth to the perfect child! ;) I can't imagine how other Moms handle colicky babies or multiple kids in diapers. I feel exhausted, pulled in a hundred directions and confused 99% of the day. I can't focus at work like I used to and I can't focus at home like I used to. I find myself getting irritated and depressed a lot of the time because I can't accomplish what was so easy for me a year ago, today. I also feel like I have a new priority and importance in my life that far exceeds any importance I put into other aspects of my life. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I will have a certain feeling about a situation or person and instead of keeping it to myself, I will actually verbalize my issue. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super passive aggressive and keep 90% of my issues to myself but sometimes I will buck up and say something. It's like something switched in my brain and I'm just not willing to put up with any bullshit. I'm a Mom now! I have and will continue to bear unthinkable things and new scary ventures every day of my life, I could give a rats ass about confrontation.

I feel like there's so many more milestones I'm leaving out with Emily but none of them are negative. She is so happy and smiley and lovey all the time. I love just being with her. Don't get me wrong, I could always use a break. Even the perfect baby is still a baby and it's hard work 24/7 but when I'm not with her I'm anxious to be with her and when I'm with her for an extended amount of time, I get anxious for a break! hahaha

The only negative about being a new Mom is having to come to terms with other people not loving her like I do. Obviously no one loves their child like their Mom, but I was expecting such a different response by people close to me that it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that those dreams will never be realized. Sometimes I want to tell these people to do more, see her more, offer to help and then the other part of me knows that I can't force anyone to do anything or feel a certain way. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to realize that it will be their loss because Emily is such an amazing baby girl and I get to experience every last part of her life with her while others will miss out on that relationship. 

I'm hoping to be able to blog at least once a month, especially now that I'll be back to work full time in the next two weeks I should be able to get more accomplished day to day. Either that or my next blog will be a suicide note because I can't take all the responsibility. hahaha

4 Months and 2 Weeks!

I have the best child ever! I love her so much more every day that I feel like I'm going to explode! I feel so differently about life and now my only regret is that I didn't have a baby years ago. She is my everything. I get now why people have more than 1 kid. It's addicting, like getting a tattoo. One is never enough. But...I think 3 kids in our house is plenty.

A friend of mine told me I should save all my blog posts for Emily when she gets older so she can see week to week what it was like being pregnant but at first I thought all my posts were too negative to even think about sharing with Emily. But a few days later I took some time and read through my previous posts from day 1 and even though as I wrote them I felt guilty about not being excited 100% at the time, reading them felt like I was reading someone else's experience. I read about a new mom being scared, confused and anxious about what was happening to her body and her life. I didn't hear a horrible mom. If anything I wish I could have hugged myself at that time and assured myself it was going to end up better than okay. Now I feel excited about reading these blogs to Emily one day.

Even though I'm in love with being a Mom, there are new feelings and fears every day that I just can't grasp. I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen all the time now. I'm paranoid that someone will get into a car accident or steal one of the kids. And right now I have a lot of control of where and what the kids are doing most of the time. I can't imagine what kind of fears I'll have when they are older and doing more and more things on their own. I mean, count my kids out for getting a car let alone a driver's license! And going places unsupervised??? I don't think so. Looking back, I can't believe my parents gave my sister and I such free range. Granted, we ended up okay but there were lots of times I made stupid decisions and put myself at risk of something awful happening and I just can't imagine being okay with the kids doing the same thing. Shit, I'm 31 years old and STILL making idiotic dangerous decisions. I wonder if it's illegal to hold your children hostage?

Working part time has been AMAZING! I'm so so lucky to have the chance to do this. I get to spend a few days away from the chaos of the kids and house and just focus on work and having adults around me. And then I get a few days with Emily and taking care of ME. Plus I get the weekends with the whole fam. Financially it's not making the most sense right now but I don't really care! hahaha As long as I can make it work I'm going to keep this arrangement :)

Emily is starting to do some real big kid stuff. I love to see her exploring her new abilities but it also makes me realize how big she's getting so quickly. She just found her feet the other day and can now stick her feet in her mouth! Even though it's not very hygienic it's the cutest thing in the world so I let her do it :) I can tell she's getting ready to start sitting up on her own. She can pull herself up to a point and loves to squirm around in circles on the floor or her playmat. She loves to be loud and the more she can hear herself, the louder she gets! We just fed her rice cereal for the first time last night and she seemed to take to the spoon really well. I can tell she wants to eat big kid food but I'm just not ready to start feeding her more solids until she can sit up on her own. Plus, it's messy and looks like barf. I almost dry heave just watching her Daddy feed her!

My little love is so into her big brother and sister. Every time they come into the room she just lights up. I can see in her face that she just wants to run and play with them and can't figure out why her little body isn't moving like she expects it to. I picture her doing big milestones early on because of this. She does not like to feel limited or left out of anything. She tries to get places and do things on her own but her body doesn't go anywhere.

I should have so much more to share and say since I'm only blogging once a month at this point but my mommy brain is on overdrive and I can't even remember what day it is, let alone what I want to share. All I know is thankfully beer and wine exist so that I can remain calm and open minded through this whole parenting process.

Love, Diana :)

3 Months and 3 Weeks Old....

My little angel is changing right before my eyes. I feel like one day I'm going to turn around and she'll be walking and talking. Everyone was right! It goes by so fast....

She likes to "talk" more, mostly when she's on her playmat. James and I have started putting her in her crib that's in our room at night and she still sleeps through the night in there. She will wake up a few times for her binky but then falls right back asleep. It's nice to have our bed back but I do worry about her. Sometimes I'll wake up and just go look at her to make sure she's still breathing. hahaha.

So this week is my last week off before I go back to work. I will be starting part time which is nice and not so intimidating but I'm still a little nervous. I mean, how am I going to go back to getting the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn and now having a baby to take care of all while trying to get myself ready for work and getting everyone dropped off at their different day cares and then get to Lafayette by 8am!!!?? To say I feel a little overwhelmed is an understatement. I know I'll get into a routine like I have since being home with all three kids but having to add myself to the mix is going to be a challenge. I feel like I should be doing something exciting my last week off but I don't even know what to do with myself and Emily. Plus, I still have the kids to drop off and pick up every couple of hours so I can't really go anywhere. Plus, this is the week to tie up any loose ends before my life goes to chaos. I have no concept of how any person can survive as a single parent. Aside from finances, taking care of kids is hard work! I would run away if I had to do this all by myself!

Thankfully I am extremely lucky. My family may not be around on a day to day basis, but James' is. His parents and brother and sister in law are all amazing!! They take the kids for us all the time. If I ever need an afternoon to get something done or want to make plans, Nana is always there to help me out. This last weekend she took all 3 kids for a sleepover at her house! It was so nice to have a night off and sleep in bed without worrying about the baby. Only having myself to worry about in the morning. Me and James have had more date nights and alone time since Emily got here than we did before! It's made every transition I've been going through so much easier. I feel bad for my family though. Not seeing Emily on a weekly basis would be torture for me! I know she's my baby and I'm biased that she's perfect but I just don't get how my parents don't see her more. She's their first born grandchild and she's pretty amazing if I may say so myself. But it is what it is and Emily has LOTS of people who love her and she is very lucky to have so many great people in her life.

Emotionally I've been feeling a lot better. I think I've been very lucky to have a nice balance in my life of fun and responsibility. I make sure to go out with my friends when I know I need to and James and I have lots of great times together too, plus we do lots of great family stuff. I feel pretty secure with my choices and how things are turning out.

The best thing ever was everyone in the house got sick. The kids had awful fevers for days and really bad colds. Jamesy even threw up a few times. Then James got it and I was next. Every minute I felt like crap was clouded with fear that Emily was next. But amazingly enough, after 2 weeks we are all better and she never showed any signs of a cold :) How lucky am I!? I know I can't avoid it forever but my anxiety and fear of the family being sick makes me physically sick so I was happy to avoid it this time around.

Emily shows signs of a personality every day. She's more alert and happy and is starting to hold her toys a little bit. I can tell she wants to get up and start walking and doing her own thing but her body won't move with her. I can't wait to see how she grows :)

Love, Diana :)

I don't know what week anymore.....

I'm done counting weeks. I can't remember the last time I blogged or how old Emily is at this point. Right now she's sitting in her new Bumbo (AKA the greatest invention ever!) and farting. Yep, she's a gasser!! Rips butt all day long and in her sleep at night....cute! And she figured out how to drool, so her clothes are constantly soaked and sometimes mine are too. However, she is the cutest thing on this planet as far as I'm concerned and nothing she could possibly do would convince me otherwise.

I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!

She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.

My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!

And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......

Love, Diana :)

Week 7,8,9.......to eternity

Wow, I get no time to even think of blogging anymore. Luckily Emily was so cranky she spent a good hour crying because I wouldn't hold her and tired herself out. If she naps more than 5 minutes I might actually get to write something!

I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.

I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.

All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha

Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.

I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....

My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.

We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)

And she's up....

Week 6.....Back to work??

I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(

It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.

Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner. 

Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.

My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.

I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.

And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....

Love,
Diana :)

Week 5.....Viewer Discretion Advised

Note to reader: This post is going to be filled with foul language and lots of anger. If you're easily offended please do not read!

What the fuck!? What the fuck!!!??? Today is shit. Absolute shit. It's days like this that I wish I could get in my car and run away. Never talk to anyone again or see anyone again. I'm starting to hate everyone. Everyone who gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Everyone who only has themselves to worry about on a daily basis. I'm starting to hate these children who are so fucking needy. As if it isn't bad enough that I have a fucking infant in my arms at all hours of the day and night but I can't keep track of the other two on top of it. Today I spent all morning/afternoon getting stuff for Joli's 8th birthday, which is tomorrow. I was so proud of myself for even remembering that she had a birthday, let alone being able to get to the store to buy gifts and cake mix to make for her tomorrow. Forward to me driving home when I realize, "shit, I forgot cupcakes for her class tomorrow!!" Normally, I would of said fuck it and she's not bringing anything but I can't really do that. Of course Emily was only good enough for one go around at a store so she screamed the whole time I went back for the cupcakes.

Speaking of the devil child, what kind of sicko finally lets you sleep for 4 hours but then starts screaming at 3:30am to be fed, only to eat 1 oz of formula before passing back out!!!!??? I'll tell you, the same sicko who then in turn wakes up as you're getting back into bed for another oz and then stays awake for another hour while you're trying to fall asleep. 1 oz!!?? Really Emily?? You couldn't let your poor exhausted Mother get some much needed sleep for 1 fucking oz??? In my defense, she eats 4 oz at every feeding so to waste my time with 1 oz is the most irritating thing in the world.

After my lack of sleep last night, I had to run around all day so no nap for me until the kids were picked up and home from school. So I'm trying to keep Emily awake so she'll sleep with me but no go. So I fed her before finally taking a nap at 3:30pm and told the kids to be quiet while we slept. I should have been more specific....instead of hearing them talk the whole time, they're throwing toys and stomping back and forth from room to room. And as soon as I finally dose off Emily is wide awake and screaming for more food. And of course she only took 1 oz before passing out again but tough shit for me! I'm already up and not falling back asleep. As my groggy ass is starting dinner for the kids because I agreed to do dinner and showers tonight because James is having such a rough day (which now pales in comparison to my rough day), I realize that today was Joli's art class she was supposed to go after school that cost us $100 and I completely forgot!!!! Plus, she has a big project due on Friday that she's barely started and James wants me to help her on. Oh and to add insult to injury I had an upset stomach all day and little miss fussy pants refuses to be left alone so I got to take her to all my bathroom visits with me. I think you officially lose all dignity once you're holding your child while dropping the kids off at the pool......FML!!

And all I can think about is how the hell is this house going to survive once I go back to work and there is no one home during the day. Not like Emily lets me get a lot done but I do get to do the dishes at least once and can occasionally trade out a load of laundry or vacuum a room. And NORMALLY I can constantly check the fridge the see what's going on with that week with the kids. However, I am at a point where a serious discussion of putting the older kids back in daycare ASAP is much needed.

Days like this I wish I was 20 something again, living alone and not having anyone to worry about but myself. Then again, as soon as I wish that I feel guilty and ultimately can't imagine a day without my family. But cheese and rice this is bullshit!!

So my piece of advice to anyone who treasures their alone time, is never ever have kids. They're cute and lovable but needy as all hell and unless one of them makes a million dollars and supports me in lavish homes and cars in my old age, I don't see where all this hassle is worth it.....

As for Emily, she's perfect of course! As much as she drives me crazy, I can't complain. She's not colic or allergic to her formula. She only poops every other day. I know I have it easy compared to other parents but it doesn't make my days any easier. She still doesn't do much but eat and sleep. I still love her and think she's the cutest thing in the world though. I just hate her right now :)

With irritation and a cold beer in hand to cope,
Diana :/

P.S. This is strictly a rant. Of course there's good times and happy days and I worship everyone in my life. They are the reason I get up every day.