So 37 weeks is considered full term and part of me is really excited to find out where I am and where Emily is at. The other part of me is really scared to find out because that means I'm getting closer to giving birth. Next Monday I go in for my first ultrasound since 20 weeks to measure Emily and check on her and see where she's at. The Dr. will also check my cervix to determine how ready I am to go into labor.
Yesterday at my last 2 week check up, I told my Dr. not to tell me if I'm dilated because I'm too much of a nervous wreck and I won't be able to handle it. But now I regret saying that. As much as I don't want to know, I really want to know! Ugh, what a mess yesterday was too! I have to pee in a cup every appt. and I really really had to pee yesterday so when I got there I knew I'd over fill the cup if I wasn't careful. So I manage to stop myself mid stream to remove the cup and somehow lost control of it and managed to spill pee ALL over my underwear and jeans!!! I had to proceed with the appt. with pee soaked pants. It was uncomfortable to say the least and left me in tears. Immediately following the pee incident, I had to get weighed in. In the last 30 days, I had only gained 1 pd so I wasn't too worried until I saw the numbers.....I gained 8 pds in 2 weeks!!! I know Emily can't weigh 14 pds so obviously it wasn't all her. I started crying again and the nurse tried to convince me that this was okay and I really haven't gained ALL that much weight since getting pregnant but there was no cheering me up at this point. As I sat there in my own urine, thinking about how out of control I am about my weight gain and crying, my Dr. came in. That poor guy....James said he's probably counting down the days until he doesn't have to see me anymore, but I'm hoping I'm not the ONLY pregnant woman to lose it in his office. Anywho, he gave me a hard time about the weight gain which I had anticipated and checked Emily's heartbeat which is slowing down as it should in these next few weeks. He said he can feel her from my ribs all the way down so she's probably really long at this point. I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I couldn't stop crying long enough to get a word out so I guess those questions will have to wait until next week.
I'm actually really nervous for next week just because of Thanksgiving. I mean, I'm not going to be pregnant every year and I've been waiting for this holiday to pig out on all my favorites. I just hope I don't gain another 8 pds in 7 days! But my nurse suggested that maybe I stand away from the scale so I don't see the numbers since it upsets me so much. And at this point I really should just be worried about Emily's health and safety and not how much I weigh. I think I'm just having trouble with it because I feel so out of control with my body. I can't manipulate it to do things I want it to do. Emily's in charge of that now.
At this point, the hardest thing I've been dealing with is the home life. I'm extra grumpy because of the pain and discomfort and I haven't been able to be fun or affectionate for the kids or James. I feel really isolated from them lately and I know it's my fault, I just can't control my emotions at this point. I really just want to sit in bed and cry all day but that's not very productive. And seeing all the things that need to be done around the house is killing me! I want to stay on top of the laundry and keep the kitchen clean, but I'm just too exhausted and overwhelmed to do any of it. That depresses me too. Luckily we have Nana! She's coming over to the house today to do all the scrubbing that I can't do anymore before we're having Turkey Day at our house tomorrow. And I know I have to let these little things go, especially when Emily gets here. I'll be lucky if I have time to take a shower, let alone do dishes or laundry. I hope I'm able to let go of my control issues when she gets here.
The other night while laying in bed, James and I were watching her move. She looked like she was trying to push herself out of my stomach by my belly button. She's gotten really big and it's starting to hurt a little bit when she moves around too much. I can just see her stretching my skin. Then she got the hiccups which was super cute!! Every 2 seconds when she'd hiccup my stomach would bounce up. It was really cute but then I felt bad because she must be just as uncomfortable as I am. She's still spending an awful lot of time near and/or on my bladder. I'm at that stage where I need to stay close to a restroom at all times.
Other than that, nothing too much exciting or new going on. I finally have all of her bedroom stuff to put her room together, now it's just finding the time and energy to actually do it. I'm trying to stay positive through these next few weeks but it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do thus far in my life. I just can't wait for her to get here finally so I can see what all the fuss is about when becoming a Mom for the first time.
HOW FAR ALONG: 36 weeks (baby is over 18 inches and 6 pds. I think Emily is already at 10 pds!)
SLEEP: Oh how I miss a good nights sleep :(
FOOD CRAVINGS: Lately it's been sweets. I tried to get James to go get me ice cream last night but he's harder to convince than I thought....
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The ultrasound next week. Can't wait to see my little girl!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: I don't know anymore....at this point I'm pretty much up for everything that's to come.
Love, Diana :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Week 35.....Stick a fork in me.
Holy exhaustion!! I can't wait to read this to Emily when she's older so I can finally ask her what I did while she was in the womb to make her hate me so much? I know the last month is supposedly the toughest but I guess I'm just getting antsy since it's so close to the end. It's like I've been uncomfortable for so long and emotional for so long that even considering going through it for one more day feels impossible. Impossible and unbearable. I tell James every day that I'm dying but I really mean it. I feel like she's trying to kill me or maybe just push my buttons to see how strong I am. Well, guess what Emily!? Mommy is not strong!!! She's not strong at all and you have broken me down to a point I never thought I could ever reach in my life. I suffered from depression as a teenager and yesterday I remembered those feelings and how awful they were. How it felt to think I was alone, that no one would or could possibly understand why I'm upset all the time. The crying, the thoughts of ending my life, all of it PALES in comparison to how I'm feeling these days. I would give anything to just feel like I did when I was 13, 14. I can handle emotional distress and anxiety. I can't handle it while experiencing such chronic awful indigestion and chest pains, back pains, nose bleeds, headaches. Who in their right mind actually wants to do this to themselves for 9 months?? That Duggar family must be on crack! 20 kids??? Hell no! I'm not saying that Emily won't be amazing because let's face it, she'll be half me so she's bound to be the greatest thing since sliced bread but suffering for this long of a time feels like centuries and I will never ever put myself through it again.
Aside from the pain and sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety is getting to me big time. I feel like there's so much that needs to be done and not enough time. And not knowing exactly when she'll get here is so stressful for me. I need to plan! I need to have an exact day and time so I know where to be, what to have ready and what to get done ahead of time. And again....I have to birth something from my precious hoohoo. I'm freaking out!!! What will it feel like? What if my water doesn't break, how will I know if I'm in labor?? What if the pain is too unbearable and I can't handle it? What if I can't or don't push right and they have to do a c-section because I can't get my shit together?? There is just not enough time in the world to prepare me for giving birth and I know I'll never feel ready. I just wish I didn't feel so scared of it. Sometimes I don't because when I'm in a lot of pain at that moment I could care less if she carved her way out of my stomach with a rusty old butter knife but when the pain subsides for even 5 minutes, I'm panicking over this whole labor thing. But at the same time if I try to read about labor at all I get even more panicky and start imagining the worse and have to stop reading. I'm even panicking right now as I type this.....thank God I'm in therapy!
Last night I finally got to my thank you cards from the baby shower and it literally took me 5 hours to do them! The pain in my chest was so bad that after I'd write 1-2 cards I'd have to stop and lay on my back for at least 5 minutes to relieve the pain before I could write another 1-2 cards. Who knew writing thank you notes would be so exhausting?? I feel super worthless these days. I have to push myself so hard just to do the dishes or a load of laundry. I get tired very easily and am in pain a lot of the time. And apparently at this point she should be running out of room but either she's super tiny or my uterus is huge because she still moves and kicks A LOT! Oh and also according to my e-mails, she's fully grown and developed, now she's just putting on pounds. Uh, you think you could help me out and gain that weight OUT of the womb?? I'm sure it's warm in there and all but you are SUPER uncomfortable. And the kicking on my bladder needs to stop ASAP! I feel like a 80 yr old woman whose lost control of her bladder....
On a happy note though (doesn't seem to be many of those these days!) I'm getting everything together to finally finish up her room. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this weekend and I am getting really excited to see and hold her. I know I will love her to pieces and I know I'll be a good Mom, I'm just feeling really restless for her to get here already.
HOW FAR ALONG: 35 weeks (baby is about 18 inches long and should weigh 5 1/2 pds)
SLEEP: I'm up and down all night but I do get a minimum of 3-4 hours a night. Just a lot of wacky dreams...
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything. Lots of sweet and salty mixes are at the top of my list these days.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Thanksgiving!!! I'm going to PIG out!!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: 1 when Emily gets here. I hope she sleeps a lot.
Love, Diana :)
Aside from the pain and sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety is getting to me big time. I feel like there's so much that needs to be done and not enough time. And not knowing exactly when she'll get here is so stressful for me. I need to plan! I need to have an exact day and time so I know where to be, what to have ready and what to get done ahead of time. And again....I have to birth something from my precious hoohoo. I'm freaking out!!! What will it feel like? What if my water doesn't break, how will I know if I'm in labor?? What if the pain is too unbearable and I can't handle it? What if I can't or don't push right and they have to do a c-section because I can't get my shit together?? There is just not enough time in the world to prepare me for giving birth and I know I'll never feel ready. I just wish I didn't feel so scared of it. Sometimes I don't because when I'm in a lot of pain at that moment I could care less if she carved her way out of my stomach with a rusty old butter knife but when the pain subsides for even 5 minutes, I'm panicking over this whole labor thing. But at the same time if I try to read about labor at all I get even more panicky and start imagining the worse and have to stop reading. I'm even panicking right now as I type this.....thank God I'm in therapy!
Last night I finally got to my thank you cards from the baby shower and it literally took me 5 hours to do them! The pain in my chest was so bad that after I'd write 1-2 cards I'd have to stop and lay on my back for at least 5 minutes to relieve the pain before I could write another 1-2 cards. Who knew writing thank you notes would be so exhausting?? I feel super worthless these days. I have to push myself so hard just to do the dishes or a load of laundry. I get tired very easily and am in pain a lot of the time. And apparently at this point she should be running out of room but either she's super tiny or my uterus is huge because she still moves and kicks A LOT! Oh and also according to my e-mails, she's fully grown and developed, now she's just putting on pounds. Uh, you think you could help me out and gain that weight OUT of the womb?? I'm sure it's warm in there and all but you are SUPER uncomfortable. And the kicking on my bladder needs to stop ASAP! I feel like a 80 yr old woman whose lost control of her bladder....
On a happy note though (doesn't seem to be many of those these days!) I'm getting everything together to finally finish up her room. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this weekend and I am getting really excited to see and hold her. I know I will love her to pieces and I know I'll be a good Mom, I'm just feeling really restless for her to get here already.
HOW FAR ALONG: 35 weeks (baby is about 18 inches long and should weigh 5 1/2 pds)
SLEEP: I'm up and down all night but I do get a minimum of 3-4 hours a night. Just a lot of wacky dreams...
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything. Lots of sweet and salty mixes are at the top of my list these days.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Thanksgiving!!! I'm going to PIG out!!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: 1 when Emily gets here. I hope she sleeps a lot.
Love, Diana :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Baby Shower Overview!!
Well of course I have to blog about the baby shower separately from my weekly blogs :) I just don't even know where to begin! My sister came into town Saturday night and that's when I got to find out the theme of the party was Hello Kitty (my favorite!!) Her and I worked on the party favors while Jamesy and Joli helped. She had a bunch of different little lip glosses and we tied pink bows around them with an E and a heart on the bows for Emily. The kids helped us sort through a few bags of letters to pick out each E and heart. It was a little time consuming but lots of fun and I know they loved being able to help. My poor Momma was stuck vacuuming and cleaning the house while we chit chatted and "worked" on other parts of the shower. But in my defense, I at least steam mopped the dining room and kitchen :)
Sunday morning, Joli and I went to get our nails done down the street. She was so excited and got to wear Hello Kitty clothes to match the shower theme. Poor James had a pregnant cow on the war path who wouldn't even let him eat at the house for fear of making any sort of mess. I kicked him out by 10am and he called me a baby shower-zilla. And I kinda agree with him. I was a little out of hand :) Anywho, when Joli and I got back from being pampered I was greeted with chips and salsa and got to pig out while watching my Mom, sister and best friend Jamie decorate. They also helped me get dressed and Julie did my hair and make up which I loved! My sister got caterers who were there cooking in the kitchen and setting up tables. They were so awesome! They had a menu displayed with lots of good food and a table for drinks (yes, everyone got to booze it up!) Jamie did really awesome center pieces for the tables and there was lots of Hello Kitty balloons. And the cake!!! The cake was amazing! It was huge and had Hello Kitty decorations on it. Plus the caterers brought brownies and mini cookies. Everything was so good and I'm glad I have a bunch of leftovers :)
There were so many gifts and people who came! I couldn't believe it. It was really overwhelming to see so many people. My great Aunt Jean came who I haven't seen in years and one of her daughters, my cousin Kathy with her two daughters Laura and Shelby. I held Shelby as a newborn and she's got to be in her 20's now! And a good family friend Kathleen came and it was just so nice to see old faces I haven't seen in so long. And all my friends and family were there. It was AMAZING! I got lots of homemade blankets and clothes and those meant a lot. I can't even cook toast so I'm in awe of people who can actually knit. Another friend made me a memory box with a homemade scrap book. It was just so unbelievable! Of course I have no room in the house for any of this new stuff but I'm sure I'll figure it all out :)
And I'm really proud of myself because I only cried twice! I thought I'd be balling all day but luckily my hormones were somewhat in check. I think it was because I was too hot to be emotional. haha And 3 of my girlfriends that came to the shower are pregnant too and we're all having girls!! It was nice to swap stories and advice. But I think my favorite part of the whole day was after everyone left and the place was cleared out. My friends Jamie, Marcie and Amber stayed behind for a few hours. My mom heated up some leftover appetizers and chips and salsa and we all sat around and reminisced of our high school days and laughed and ate. My poor Mom had to hear a lot more than I'm sure she wanted to but that's to be expected with us girls! Jamie read me the advice cards that everyone filled out and aside from two cards all the advice was great. It helped remind me how much I really will love being a Mom and how much I have to look forward to with Emily. It also let me know that I will have help if I get too overwhelmed. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll quickly find my niche and routine with the 3 kiddos in the house but I do have some fear about trying to juggle it all and I just want everything to go perfectly. James keeps having to remind me that there's no such thing and it will all work out on it's own. And I know he's right, there's no such thing as perfect and people won't judge me if I have a dirty house or dishes in the sink. That will be a hard thing to overcome but I'm hoping I can put all my craziness aside and just focus on my beautiful family.
The main girl to thank for such a wonderful baby shower is my sister. She planned it and kept calm and kept me calm through the whole process and did it while living a whole state away and while traveling a lot for work. There aren't enough words to thank her. My mom was so helpful too and she kept her calm through the whole weekend and day of. She even cleaned the house last night and it's all back to normal :) My best friend Jamie was awesome too!! I loved her center pieces and the mason jars with candles was beautiful! She kept track of the diaper game. Even after I tried to ruin it by "helping" pass out numbers. hahaha It was such a great experience that I will never ever forget and I just can't even thank everyone enough. There aren't enough words or hugs or tears that can express my gratitude. Emily is so lucky to have such wonderful people in her life already who will love her to pieces and I'm the luckiest Mom in the world to have those same wonderful people in my life too.
Love, Diana :)
Sunday morning, Joli and I went to get our nails done down the street. She was so excited and got to wear Hello Kitty clothes to match the shower theme. Poor James had a pregnant cow on the war path who wouldn't even let him eat at the house for fear of making any sort of mess. I kicked him out by 10am and he called me a baby shower-zilla. And I kinda agree with him. I was a little out of hand :) Anywho, when Joli and I got back from being pampered I was greeted with chips and salsa and got to pig out while watching my Mom, sister and best friend Jamie decorate. They also helped me get dressed and Julie did my hair and make up which I loved! My sister got caterers who were there cooking in the kitchen and setting up tables. They were so awesome! They had a menu displayed with lots of good food and a table for drinks (yes, everyone got to booze it up!) Jamie did really awesome center pieces for the tables and there was lots of Hello Kitty balloons. And the cake!!! The cake was amazing! It was huge and had Hello Kitty decorations on it. Plus the caterers brought brownies and mini cookies. Everything was so good and I'm glad I have a bunch of leftovers :)
There were so many gifts and people who came! I couldn't believe it. It was really overwhelming to see so many people. My great Aunt Jean came who I haven't seen in years and one of her daughters, my cousin Kathy with her two daughters Laura and Shelby. I held Shelby as a newborn and she's got to be in her 20's now! And a good family friend Kathleen came and it was just so nice to see old faces I haven't seen in so long. And all my friends and family were there. It was AMAZING! I got lots of homemade blankets and clothes and those meant a lot. I can't even cook toast so I'm in awe of people who can actually knit. Another friend made me a memory box with a homemade scrap book. It was just so unbelievable! Of course I have no room in the house for any of this new stuff but I'm sure I'll figure it all out :)
And I'm really proud of myself because I only cried twice! I thought I'd be balling all day but luckily my hormones were somewhat in check. I think it was because I was too hot to be emotional. haha And 3 of my girlfriends that came to the shower are pregnant too and we're all having girls!! It was nice to swap stories and advice. But I think my favorite part of the whole day was after everyone left and the place was cleared out. My friends Jamie, Marcie and Amber stayed behind for a few hours. My mom heated up some leftover appetizers and chips and salsa and we all sat around and reminisced of our high school days and laughed and ate. My poor Mom had to hear a lot more than I'm sure she wanted to but that's to be expected with us girls! Jamie read me the advice cards that everyone filled out and aside from two cards all the advice was great. It helped remind me how much I really will love being a Mom and how much I have to look forward to with Emily. It also let me know that I will have help if I get too overwhelmed. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll quickly find my niche and routine with the 3 kiddos in the house but I do have some fear about trying to juggle it all and I just want everything to go perfectly. James keeps having to remind me that there's no such thing and it will all work out on it's own. And I know he's right, there's no such thing as perfect and people won't judge me if I have a dirty house or dishes in the sink. That will be a hard thing to overcome but I'm hoping I can put all my craziness aside and just focus on my beautiful family.
The main girl to thank for such a wonderful baby shower is my sister. She planned it and kept calm and kept me calm through the whole process and did it while living a whole state away and while traveling a lot for work. There aren't enough words to thank her. My mom was so helpful too and she kept her calm through the whole weekend and day of. She even cleaned the house last night and it's all back to normal :) My best friend Jamie was awesome too!! I loved her center pieces and the mason jars with candles was beautiful! She kept track of the diaper game. Even after I tried to ruin it by "helping" pass out numbers. hahaha It was such a great experience that I will never ever forget and I just can't even thank everyone enough. There aren't enough words or hugs or tears that can express my gratitude. Emily is so lucky to have such wonderful people in her life already who will love her to pieces and I'm the luckiest Mom in the world to have those same wonderful people in my life too.
Love, Diana :)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
What week is this again?? Oh, 33 weeks.....
Wow, in as little as 6 weeks I could have my daughter in my hands. That feels weird to say, think and write. Daughter. I know I've had some experience with the whole parenting thing with Jamesy and Joli but because of their strong bond with their Mom and my fear of being considered a real Mom, I never let myself feel that way about them. It feels invasive to consider myself a Mother with them because I come from a divorced family and I know how it feels to have "strangers" come into the home and assume certain roles. I would never want the kids to consider me anything they don't feel 100% comfortable with. They still don't even understand what a step-mom is or know that I consider myself one. And that's always been fine with me. But knowing that now I will officially be a Mother and have someone who loves me unconditionally like they love their Mom is such a strange concept. I keep wondering if when I hear the words "mom" for the first time if I'll even turn around and recognize someone is addressing me! And trying to picture what she'll look like is strange too. I wonder if she'll look just like me or just like her Daddy or a combo of both of us. I hope she gets James' nose. And I really hope she doesn't get my chin! I like to call her my little monkey since I think I strongly resembled one as a child.
Being pregnant is hard. People do it every day and I think they're insane. Either that or I really am that weak of a person. Lately every simple task feels like the end of the world. I have zero motivation to do anything. I've been half ass cleaning at home, slacking off at work. I'm just really tired and my mind feels so cloudy I can't concentrate on anything. The other day I noticed something on my tummy that I thought were bruises. I asked James to take a look and sure enough, they're stretch marks!! STRETCH MARKS!! It's the beginning of the end. I can't even imagine what my body will look like after this is over and done with. I picture myself looking like a shriveled up prune swimming in cottage cheese. Hopefully I'll be so in love with her that I won't care what happens to my body and hopefully James will love me regardless of what I look like :) Speaking of James, that poor guy....I feel really bad for any spouse or significant others dealing with pregnant women. Let's face it, we're phsychotic when expecting. No matter what he does, that I ask him to do, it's always wrong and it's never enough. He tells me 100 times a day how much he loves me and I still get upset and tell him I feel unloved and alone. If his thoughts/wants/needs aren't in my best interest 24/7 than he's getting a hyterical Diana. But at the same time, I AM the one who is dealing with all this mess. He'll just get to enjoy his new baby while I'll have spent the last 9 months being tortured by her. Plus, if I get too out of control he can always have a drink or 12 to relax. I can't....you know what!? I change my mind! Screw that guy! Screw all guys!
So, I'm sure this is the case for everyone who gets knocked up, but I'm going to really try and avoid in the future to talk to other expecting moms about my experience. Unless they ask of course. But I'm SO over hearing everyone's stories and advice. I feel rude for feeling that way, but I just don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to know what to expect when I give birth or what to expect afterward. I just want to wing it at this point and deal with everything as it comes at me. The more I know, the more I panic. I do enjoy the looks of sympathy I get though from fellow Mommies when they see I'm pregnant. That silent look tells me more comforting things than any conversation I've had thus far.
My baby shower is this Sunday and I'm SO SO excited!!! I can't wait to see my sister, my Mom came into town last night and it's always nice to have her around and helping out. I can't wait to spend a day with all my friends and family and people I haven't seen in a LONG time! It's going to be such a great time. I just hope I can make it through the day without crying. hahaha It's kind of a daily routine at this point. A slight breeze can make me lose it. But I'm sure it will be awesome and I can't thank my sister enough for putting it all together! And apparently there will be a bar so maybe I can sneak a little glass of something. I was hoping for strippers but apparently that's not baby shower material.
HOW FAR ALONG: 33 Weeks (baby is as big as a pineapple)
SLEEP: I get as much as I can.
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'm really enjoying Halloween candy. I could not have been preggers at a better time!
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The baby shower and hopefully some ultrasounds so I can see how big my little nugget is.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Getting any bigger. I'm already in so much pain and discomfort I can't imagine carrying any more weight on me.
Love, Diana :)
Being pregnant is hard. People do it every day and I think they're insane. Either that or I really am that weak of a person. Lately every simple task feels like the end of the world. I have zero motivation to do anything. I've been half ass cleaning at home, slacking off at work. I'm just really tired and my mind feels so cloudy I can't concentrate on anything. The other day I noticed something on my tummy that I thought were bruises. I asked James to take a look and sure enough, they're stretch marks!! STRETCH MARKS!! It's the beginning of the end. I can't even imagine what my body will look like after this is over and done with. I picture myself looking like a shriveled up prune swimming in cottage cheese. Hopefully I'll be so in love with her that I won't care what happens to my body and hopefully James will love me regardless of what I look like :) Speaking of James, that poor guy....I feel really bad for any spouse or significant others dealing with pregnant women. Let's face it, we're phsychotic when expecting. No matter what he does, that I ask him to do, it's always wrong and it's never enough. He tells me 100 times a day how much he loves me and I still get upset and tell him I feel unloved and alone. If his thoughts/wants/needs aren't in my best interest 24/7 than he's getting a hyterical Diana. But at the same time, I AM the one who is dealing with all this mess. He'll just get to enjoy his new baby while I'll have spent the last 9 months being tortured by her. Plus, if I get too out of control he can always have a drink or 12 to relax. I can't....you know what!? I change my mind! Screw that guy! Screw all guys!
So, I'm sure this is the case for everyone who gets knocked up, but I'm going to really try and avoid in the future to talk to other expecting moms about my experience. Unless they ask of course. But I'm SO over hearing everyone's stories and advice. I feel rude for feeling that way, but I just don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to know what to expect when I give birth or what to expect afterward. I just want to wing it at this point and deal with everything as it comes at me. The more I know, the more I panic. I do enjoy the looks of sympathy I get though from fellow Mommies when they see I'm pregnant. That silent look tells me more comforting things than any conversation I've had thus far.
My baby shower is this Sunday and I'm SO SO excited!!! I can't wait to see my sister, my Mom came into town last night and it's always nice to have her around and helping out. I can't wait to spend a day with all my friends and family and people I haven't seen in a LONG time! It's going to be such a great time. I just hope I can make it through the day without crying. hahaha It's kind of a daily routine at this point. A slight breeze can make me lose it. But I'm sure it will be awesome and I can't thank my sister enough for putting it all together! And apparently there will be a bar so maybe I can sneak a little glass of something. I was hoping for strippers but apparently that's not baby shower material.
HOW FAR ALONG: 33 Weeks (baby is as big as a pineapple)
SLEEP: I get as much as I can.
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'm really enjoying Halloween candy. I could not have been preggers at a better time!
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The baby shower and hopefully some ultrasounds so I can see how big my little nugget is.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Getting any bigger. I'm already in so much pain and discomfort I can't imagine carrying any more weight on me.
Love, Diana :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Week 32
At this stage in my pregnancy, every day I wake up is a good day. I've been so miserably uncomfortable and at this point, if death came knocking at my door I would not be shocked. I realize that when Emily gets here I will be so exhausted and stressed out that I will be begging my Dr. to put her back in my belly but without knowing what that experience feels like and only knowing what THIS experience feels like, it's hard to see that. It's really hard to see anything to be perfectly honest. My brain feels like it's on vacation. I can walk, see, hear and speak but I can't comprehend what's going on. I'm not sure why or where I'm walking to, who or what I'm seeing or what or who I'm hearing or speaking to. It's almost like being on a bad acid trip for the last 7 months. My mind is such goo I can't remember what it was like to be sharp and awake. The one bright side I keep holding out for is maternity leave. Yes, it will entail an additional child to care for and feed and bath, clothe, etc., but it will also mean only one thing to focus on. Parenting. Not working full time while half ass parenting before and after work. No traffic killing precious time that I could be cleaning or running errands. Then again, I'll have a life in my hands that is 100% dependent on me. I can't even depend on myself! This poor girl doesn't even know what kind of Mom she picked....
I had a great weekend though. It was exhausting but lots of fun. I think I really needed to get out and see my friends and just be carefree for a few days. I'm definitely paying for it this week but it was worth it. I managed to find a costume that fit over my huge gut for the annual Halloween party my friends have every year. Me and my friend Amber who is due a month after me even managed to stay til midnight! We were very proud of ourselves :) Monday night I attempted to do pumpkins with the kids but my back was killing me SO bad I couldn't stand to lean over the table and scoop out all the insides. The pumpkins definitely didn't end up the way I was hoping but for one year I think I can handle it. Plus, the kids loved them and that's all that matters. Tomorrow is their Halloween parade at school and I'm taking the day off work (WOOHOO!) so I can be there and get them all dressed in their costumes.
James was finally able to go to a Dr.'s appt with me this past Monday and he was a little unnerved when I told him I would be asking my Dr. to induce me ASAP because if I'm pregnant for one more day, I might kill someone. But I asked anyways :) He said that he can actually induce me 2 weeks early (at 39 weeks) and I was SO relieved and happy to hear that! Plus, I didn't even gain one pound over the last two weeks so that was nice to hear too. I promised my Dr. I would be waiting outside his office on the 1st day of my 39th week waiting to be induced but then I got home, talked to Mom and now I'm singing a different tune. I would absolutely hate myself if Emily had any complications tied to me having her early if she's not fully developed or ready to enter the real world. I was 2 weeks late myself and I think she'll come when she's good and ready. I've made it this far, I can't just rush her at this point. Plus, now that I realize how close I'm getting to giving birth, I'm freaking out again. At night the only thing I can think about (besides being extremely uncomfortable laying down) is what my birthing experience will be like. How or when will it happen? Will I be alone? Will I be scared? Will the pain be too much? It's hard not to throw myself into an instant panic attack thinking about it. I know woman have babies every day and I'm no different, but I can't help but be terrified of what's to come. Not knowing what it will be like is the worse part. I feel like I can handle anything as long as I know what to expect and can control it at some level. Being pregnant and giving birth allow for neither of those things! I have lost all control and I have no idea what lies ahead.
HOW FAR ALONG: 32 Weeks (baby is almost 17 inches and over 4 pds)
SLEEP: I should really stop complaining since I'm sure my 3-4 hours a night will dwindle to mabye 1 once Emily gets here.
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything at this point. Especially when I'm hungry which is all the time!
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Seeing the little hands and feet that have been kicking the crap out of me :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: pretty much the whole birthing process.
Love, Diana :)
I had a great weekend though. It was exhausting but lots of fun. I think I really needed to get out and see my friends and just be carefree for a few days. I'm definitely paying for it this week but it was worth it. I managed to find a costume that fit over my huge gut for the annual Halloween party my friends have every year. Me and my friend Amber who is due a month after me even managed to stay til midnight! We were very proud of ourselves :) Monday night I attempted to do pumpkins with the kids but my back was killing me SO bad I couldn't stand to lean over the table and scoop out all the insides. The pumpkins definitely didn't end up the way I was hoping but for one year I think I can handle it. Plus, the kids loved them and that's all that matters. Tomorrow is their Halloween parade at school and I'm taking the day off work (WOOHOO!) so I can be there and get them all dressed in their costumes.
James was finally able to go to a Dr.'s appt with me this past Monday and he was a little unnerved when I told him I would be asking my Dr. to induce me ASAP because if I'm pregnant for one more day, I might kill someone. But I asked anyways :) He said that he can actually induce me 2 weeks early (at 39 weeks) and I was SO relieved and happy to hear that! Plus, I didn't even gain one pound over the last two weeks so that was nice to hear too. I promised my Dr. I would be waiting outside his office on the 1st day of my 39th week waiting to be induced but then I got home, talked to Mom and now I'm singing a different tune. I would absolutely hate myself if Emily had any complications tied to me having her early if she's not fully developed or ready to enter the real world. I was 2 weeks late myself and I think she'll come when she's good and ready. I've made it this far, I can't just rush her at this point. Plus, now that I realize how close I'm getting to giving birth, I'm freaking out again. At night the only thing I can think about (besides being extremely uncomfortable laying down) is what my birthing experience will be like. How or when will it happen? Will I be alone? Will I be scared? Will the pain be too much? It's hard not to throw myself into an instant panic attack thinking about it. I know woman have babies every day and I'm no different, but I can't help but be terrified of what's to come. Not knowing what it will be like is the worse part. I feel like I can handle anything as long as I know what to expect and can control it at some level. Being pregnant and giving birth allow for neither of those things! I have lost all control and I have no idea what lies ahead.
HOW FAR ALONG: 32 Weeks (baby is almost 17 inches and over 4 pds)
SLEEP: I should really stop complaining since I'm sure my 3-4 hours a night will dwindle to mabye 1 once Emily gets here.
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything at this point. Especially when I'm hungry which is all the time!
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Seeing the little hands and feet that have been kicking the crap out of me :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: pretty much the whole birthing process.
Love, Diana :)
Friday, October 21, 2011
Week 31..........HELP!
I'm slowly losing my mind. Like, officially, slowly.going.insane. I see myself either ending up in a straight jacket or committing homicide in the near future. I think if I hear one more person tell me how "beautiful" or "magical" pregnancy is and what a gift it is, I will cut them. I imagine that some people must actually enjoy being pregnant or feel good during their pregnancies and that's why they continue to have kids. But personally, this sucks! It has been a sucky experience and I will not, I repeat NOT be doing this again. Honestly, if the world were about to end and my uterus was the only hope of keeping the human race alive, we'd be screwed as I would refuse to house another child in my body.
This week has been especially rough to put it mildly. My hormones are raging like a crazy woman. I keep having these urges of just screaming and yelling and whipping my hair around wildly until I get someones attention. I've been crying a lot and just feeling depressed. These last 2 months might just kill me. I might actually drop dead from being pregnant. I wonder if that's ever happened before?? I'm thinking that maybe my lack of sleep is what's causing these crazy feelings. There's a pain in my upper left side that never goes away. It gets so bad during the day that I can barely breath. My back "went out" if that's what you call it. I can barely walk or shower. And then there's the night I really thought I was dying. I was up for the last 3 nights in a row with the worse heartburn known to mankind. I had been having nose bleeds all day that day and after I finally dosed off for maybe 30 minutes or so I awoke to the most awful taste in my mouth and throat. It was the taste of pure blood, but a lot of it. And mixed with the acid taste threw me into a panic. I ran to the sink and my nose was bleeding everywhere. I seriously thought for a minute that I was bleeding internally and if I had chose to "spit up" it would have been just blood. So of course my body goes into panic mode and I can't even see straight or hear anything. I just know that I'm dying and am at this point contemplating calling 911. I tried to remain calm and convince myself that it was just the nose bleed that had bled down my throat and after a few minutes, I was able to get my breath back and start to calm down. It took me another 2 hours to fall back asleep after that incident and I'm still pretty shaken up. I know, in hindsight, it was ridiculous but maybe because I was so tired or not feeling good, it just honestly felt like the end of the road for me. I was convinced me and my baby were bleeding to death.
I see the Dr. on Monday and I'm pretty sure I haven't gained anymore crazy weight. Especially because the heartburn is so bad all day long that it makes it hard to eat, let alone enjoy anything I'm eating. James and I switched mattresses from the guest bed to our bed and now that is more comfortable. But my body is finding alternate ways to keep me up all night. The worse part of this week has been work. My Dad went on vacation and so I was pretty much left in charge. I've done it before and didn't think it would be a big deal, but we ended up having a very busy week and me being pregnant and uncomfortable made this week completely unbearable. Between having to climb in big trucks and tiny cars to give customers rides every 5 minutes to jumping up and down from my chair to find out what the guys were doing. It was a real handful and probably not the best idea for how pregnant I am. I will definitely be going on vacation the next time he does and let someone else run this zoo. I'm very easily stressed these days and really should be taking better care of myself, but I also stress about what would happen if I wasn't working as much. I know I'm stressed at work too much these days but if I cut back on my hours and pay that would stress me out too. So I've got to figure out a happy balance, if that even exists before my head literally blows up.
There is some good stuff on the horizon though. This weekend is packed with girls' nights and a Halloween party. I'm hoping getting out and being social for a few days will help me get out of this funk. The kids and I will carve our pumpkins this weekend and maybe I can get myself to work some more on Emily's room. But most likely due to how exhausted I am both physically and mentally, I will probably just lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "what the hell just happened".
HOW FAR ALONG: 31 weeks (baby is over 16 inches long and probably weighs close to 4 pds if she's not there already)
SLEEP: Ha!
FOOD CRAVINGS: I usually crave something different every day and as long as I don't indulge in that craving it will disappear within hours.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Falling in love with this child to have some sort of feeling that this was all worth it. Plus, she's moving around so much and sometimes I can feel part of her body sticking out from my stomach so I'm really curious to see what she's all about.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The next 2 months. I'm going to seriously inquire about inducing early.
Love, Diana
This week has been especially rough to put it mildly. My hormones are raging like a crazy woman. I keep having these urges of just screaming and yelling and whipping my hair around wildly until I get someones attention. I've been crying a lot and just feeling depressed. These last 2 months might just kill me. I might actually drop dead from being pregnant. I wonder if that's ever happened before?? I'm thinking that maybe my lack of sleep is what's causing these crazy feelings. There's a pain in my upper left side that never goes away. It gets so bad during the day that I can barely breath. My back "went out" if that's what you call it. I can barely walk or shower. And then there's the night I really thought I was dying. I was up for the last 3 nights in a row with the worse heartburn known to mankind. I had been having nose bleeds all day that day and after I finally dosed off for maybe 30 minutes or so I awoke to the most awful taste in my mouth and throat. It was the taste of pure blood, but a lot of it. And mixed with the acid taste threw me into a panic. I ran to the sink and my nose was bleeding everywhere. I seriously thought for a minute that I was bleeding internally and if I had chose to "spit up" it would have been just blood. So of course my body goes into panic mode and I can't even see straight or hear anything. I just know that I'm dying and am at this point contemplating calling 911. I tried to remain calm and convince myself that it was just the nose bleed that had bled down my throat and after a few minutes, I was able to get my breath back and start to calm down. It took me another 2 hours to fall back asleep after that incident and I'm still pretty shaken up. I know, in hindsight, it was ridiculous but maybe because I was so tired or not feeling good, it just honestly felt like the end of the road for me. I was convinced me and my baby were bleeding to death.
I see the Dr. on Monday and I'm pretty sure I haven't gained anymore crazy weight. Especially because the heartburn is so bad all day long that it makes it hard to eat, let alone enjoy anything I'm eating. James and I switched mattresses from the guest bed to our bed and now that is more comfortable. But my body is finding alternate ways to keep me up all night. The worse part of this week has been work. My Dad went on vacation and so I was pretty much left in charge. I've done it before and didn't think it would be a big deal, but we ended up having a very busy week and me being pregnant and uncomfortable made this week completely unbearable. Between having to climb in big trucks and tiny cars to give customers rides every 5 minutes to jumping up and down from my chair to find out what the guys were doing. It was a real handful and probably not the best idea for how pregnant I am. I will definitely be going on vacation the next time he does and let someone else run this zoo. I'm very easily stressed these days and really should be taking better care of myself, but I also stress about what would happen if I wasn't working as much. I know I'm stressed at work too much these days but if I cut back on my hours and pay that would stress me out too. So I've got to figure out a happy balance, if that even exists before my head literally blows up.
There is some good stuff on the horizon though. This weekend is packed with girls' nights and a Halloween party. I'm hoping getting out and being social for a few days will help me get out of this funk. The kids and I will carve our pumpkins this weekend and maybe I can get myself to work some more on Emily's room. But most likely due to how exhausted I am both physically and mentally, I will probably just lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "what the hell just happened".
HOW FAR ALONG: 31 weeks (baby is over 16 inches long and probably weighs close to 4 pds if she's not there already)
SLEEP: Ha!
FOOD CRAVINGS: I usually crave something different every day and as long as I don't indulge in that craving it will disappear within hours.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Falling in love with this child to have some sort of feeling that this was all worth it. Plus, she's moving around so much and sometimes I can feel part of her body sticking out from my stomach so I'm really curious to see what she's all about.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The next 2 months. I'm going to seriously inquire about inducing early.
Love, Diana
Thursday, October 13, 2011
30 Weeks
I'm not sure how to describe how I've been feeling lately. I really don't like being pregnant though. It feels like I constantly have to worry about what I'm doing, eating, how I'm sleeping, etc. And I'm just generally uncomfortable all the time. My upper stomach is numb, which apparently my Dr. has never heard before but doesn't seemed too concerned about. I have this horrible pain in my side around my ribs that feels like someone is stabbing me and it lasts for hours and hours. The indigestion feels like it's permanently burned a hole in my throat.
I had an unpleasant check up on Monday. Apparently, I'm gaining too much weight too quickly. My Dr. told me to calm down on the eating :( I was so upset when he said this and when I saw that I've put on 5 pds. in two weeks mostly because I'm so miserable, food is the only thing that keeps me remotely happy and to have to "slow down" on pigging out just reminds me of how much I really don't like any of this. I cried and cried and cried and now I feel guilty for anything I eat that I know is high in calories or not healthy. But the other part of me is like "f it!" I get 2 months left and I want to eat whatever I want to eat! But I'm trying to slow down because I know I'll gorge when Halloween and Thanksgiving get here so I need to save some of my pigging out for those two holidays and hopefully my weight gain will slow down a little....Other than that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy but not having any more ultra sounds is making me a little nervous. I can't see her and I don't know what's going on in there. What does she look like? Is she okay? Does she have enough room? I think the Dr. said he can start doing measurements to guesstimate her weight when I'm at 36 weeks so just a little longer and I'll be able to get prepared to give birth to a 20 pd. baby. The one cool thing about my appt. was that there was a Dad there with his 6 week old baby girl. She was SO cute and just slept in his arms and he was telling me a little bit of what I can expect when Emily gets here. But then she started crying, crying like she was being murdered. Apparently she just needed a diaper change but that cry was enough to make me cry. It just was scary realizing that I'll be responsible for a little person and I'll need to know which cry means what and the situation just overwhelmed me beyond belief. I wasn't expecting myself to react that way.
The baby shower is getting close and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to see everyone and celebrate this little muffin in my bellly. I know my sister has been planning up a storm so I can't wait to see what she's done. And we've gotten all the big items now so I feel a lot less stressed. Granted, her crib is still in pieces in the middle of her room but we'll get to it eventually :) I've gotten her stroller, high chair, car seat and playpen and crib. I'm going to use the playpen as her bassinet in our bedroom since it has a little bed thing that sits at the top and is easy to pack up and move.
I feel bad that I bitch a lot about being pregnant. I guess I'm just not good at sharing my body with someone but having James and the kids around reminds me to be happy and excited about a new little one coming into our lives. Joli kisses and hugs my belly all the time and she drew some really cute pictures for Emily to give to her when she gets here. She also wrote her a note that says she loves Emily and she is the best sister ever! I cried it was so sweet. And the baby totally reacts to her Daddy. Any time he's talking in the room or touches my stomach she goes nuts squirming and kicking. Maybe she's already a Daddy's girl....or maybe she just can't stand how loud he is like her Mommy. haha. Either way it's really cute!
All the typical pregnancy stuff that I was hoping was long gone is back in full force. I always feel like crying and if I don't feel like crying, then I actually am crying. I'm also really irritable. Everything gets on my nerves and I can't seem to calm down or relax for two minutes without something annoying me. I can't get comfortable which is annoying and probably what's causing me to be so irritable since I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes. My therapist keeps telling me to stop with the "what if's" but it's hard not to worry 24/7 about what could happen. What if she's a huge crier and I can't handle it and lose my temper? What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't like her?? What if I get post postpartum? What if there's complications when she's born? I know I can't control the "what if's" even if they were to happen but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them anyways. I keep a picture of me on my 1st birthday on my desk at work and look at it often to try and remind myself that I'll have a mini me soon who I'll love and will look like me (maybe) but all I see is her messy face from stuffing it with chocolate cake and wonder "How can I handle all that mess?" I guess you could say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.....
HOW FAR ALONG: 30 weeks (she's probably almost 16 inches long and well over 3 pds)
SLEEP: I know I'm not getting as much as I'd like at this point but I have to realize pretty quickly that I'll soon be getting NO sleep with Emily here.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Food = guilt! That doesn't stop me from eating just makes me feel bad the whole time.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: A break. From work, from life and responsibility. Oh, that's not going to happen??
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The closer my due date gets, the more I'm starting to worry about labor again. I'm trying to stay positive but I think I'm really just being unrealistic in my expectations.
Love, Diana :)
I had an unpleasant check up on Monday. Apparently, I'm gaining too much weight too quickly. My Dr. told me to calm down on the eating :( I was so upset when he said this and when I saw that I've put on 5 pds. in two weeks mostly because I'm so miserable, food is the only thing that keeps me remotely happy and to have to "slow down" on pigging out just reminds me of how much I really don't like any of this. I cried and cried and cried and now I feel guilty for anything I eat that I know is high in calories or not healthy. But the other part of me is like "f it!" I get 2 months left and I want to eat whatever I want to eat! But I'm trying to slow down because I know I'll gorge when Halloween and Thanksgiving get here so I need to save some of my pigging out for those two holidays and hopefully my weight gain will slow down a little....Other than that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy but not having any more ultra sounds is making me a little nervous. I can't see her and I don't know what's going on in there. What does she look like? Is she okay? Does she have enough room? I think the Dr. said he can start doing measurements to guesstimate her weight when I'm at 36 weeks so just a little longer and I'll be able to get prepared to give birth to a 20 pd. baby. The one cool thing about my appt. was that there was a Dad there with his 6 week old baby girl. She was SO cute and just slept in his arms and he was telling me a little bit of what I can expect when Emily gets here. But then she started crying, crying like she was being murdered. Apparently she just needed a diaper change but that cry was enough to make me cry. It just was scary realizing that I'll be responsible for a little person and I'll need to know which cry means what and the situation just overwhelmed me beyond belief. I wasn't expecting myself to react that way.
The baby shower is getting close and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to see everyone and celebrate this little muffin in my bellly. I know my sister has been planning up a storm so I can't wait to see what she's done. And we've gotten all the big items now so I feel a lot less stressed. Granted, her crib is still in pieces in the middle of her room but we'll get to it eventually :) I've gotten her stroller, high chair, car seat and playpen and crib. I'm going to use the playpen as her bassinet in our bedroom since it has a little bed thing that sits at the top and is easy to pack up and move.
I feel bad that I bitch a lot about being pregnant. I guess I'm just not good at sharing my body with someone but having James and the kids around reminds me to be happy and excited about a new little one coming into our lives. Joli kisses and hugs my belly all the time and she drew some really cute pictures for Emily to give to her when she gets here. She also wrote her a note that says she loves Emily and she is the best sister ever! I cried it was so sweet. And the baby totally reacts to her Daddy. Any time he's talking in the room or touches my stomach she goes nuts squirming and kicking. Maybe she's already a Daddy's girl....or maybe she just can't stand how loud he is like her Mommy. haha. Either way it's really cute!
All the typical pregnancy stuff that I was hoping was long gone is back in full force. I always feel like crying and if I don't feel like crying, then I actually am crying. I'm also really irritable. Everything gets on my nerves and I can't seem to calm down or relax for two minutes without something annoying me. I can't get comfortable which is annoying and probably what's causing me to be so irritable since I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes. My therapist keeps telling me to stop with the "what if's" but it's hard not to worry 24/7 about what could happen. What if she's a huge crier and I can't handle it and lose my temper? What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't like her?? What if I get post postpartum? What if there's complications when she's born? I know I can't control the "what if's" even if they were to happen but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them anyways. I keep a picture of me on my 1st birthday on my desk at work and look at it often to try and remind myself that I'll have a mini me soon who I'll love and will look like me (maybe) but all I see is her messy face from stuffing it with chocolate cake and wonder "How can I handle all that mess?" I guess you could say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.....
HOW FAR ALONG: 30 weeks (she's probably almost 16 inches long and well over 3 pds)
SLEEP: I know I'm not getting as much as I'd like at this point but I have to realize pretty quickly that I'll soon be getting NO sleep with Emily here.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Food = guilt! That doesn't stop me from eating just makes me feel bad the whole time.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: A break. From work, from life and responsibility. Oh, that's not going to happen??
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: The closer my due date gets, the more I'm starting to worry about labor again. I'm trying to stay positive but I think I'm really just being unrealistic in my expectations.
Love, Diana :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)