I had read about the baby blues the first two weeks after giving birth but the first couple of days I was running on pure adrenaline and happiness that quickly faded into irritation and hopelessness. I cry all the time. I'm not sure why or what I'm crying about but tears seem to be flowing like crazy. I keep telling myself that it's only day 10 since I gave birth and Emily got here and that it's okay to feel this way, but I still have a lot of guilt. Maybe it's cabin fever or lack of sleep too. Don't get me wrong, I'm madly in love with Emily and am able to enjoy my time with her, I just feel weird. Very sad and tired, even if I get plenty of sleep. When she cries I get easily irritated because I don't know what she wants or needs. It's still hard for me to see her so calm with her Dad and have her not be that way with me.
Other than my issues, having a baby has been awesome!! She is already the most important thing in my life and I can't remember what life was like before she got here. I feel extremely overprotective of her and have almost an animal instinct that if someone gets too close, I have to attack! She seems to be growing really quickly. She eats almost twice as much as she should be at her age but she cries and is definitely hungry so I feed her. She sleeps most of the day and is up hysterically crying at night. The first few days were impossible because everyone was coming by the house so much that I couldn't sleep while she slept. It's nice now that the traffic has died down and I can have some quiet bonding time with her. Not to mention I'm not exactly the happiest or most alert person to be around.
Today her umbilical cord fell off. I found it in her diaper and kept it for Daddy to see but it's pretty nasty looking. I don't know if it's really worth it to keep that thing or not. I gave her her 3rd sponge bath and she is so good while I do it!! She always pees though.....
I can't tell if she's smiling yet or not. She makes a lot of faces but I always assume they are gas related. She's really strong too. She always tries to hold her head up and she swings her arms around all the time! She's gotten me in the face a couple of times and even swung my glasses off! She's not much for being swaddled, which is fine with me because I can't figure out how to swaddle good anyways.
I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed. We tried a couple of times once home from the hospital and my milk came in but she was not having it and neither was I! I'm happy for the people that can do it, but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. The downside of course is lots of leaking and painful swollen breasts. They look good though! It was a free temporary boob job! haha
The kids have been spending most of their time with their Mom who left today. They've spent a couple of nights at home since the baby got here but haven't really had to experience nights of lying awake to a screaming baby. I hope it's not too traumatizing for them. I think it's going to be much more traumatizing for me to have to figure out how to juggle school, homework and a newborn. If it weren't for Emily, I would have already gone back to work by now! James is working from home this week and next week and it's so nice to have him here to help on breaks and lunch hours. I'm dreading having to do this on my own.
Again, I feel like I have so much more to write about but I'm too tired and preoccupied to write anything else. Let's just say I'm in love with my new daughter and at this point in time, nothing else matters but her.
Love, Diana :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Week 40....BABY IS HERE!!!
Wow, wow and wow!!! So much to report and I don't even know if I have the time or energy but I'll try to get everything out in 1 post.
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Okay, there's so much more I want to say but it took me 4 hours just to write this much so I'm sure next week's blog will be just as long (or longer) and I'm sure I'll keep doing this because being a Mother is sure to be an adventure like one I've never experienced and I'm sure I'll have lots of more tears (happy and sad) and more whining to do. Let's face it, I'm still Diana! Here's a picture of my beautiful new love, Emily Ann DeLucia :)
Love, Diana
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Love, Diana
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Week 39
Holy crap!! I'm 1 cm dilated!! Not that that means anything really, but it's kinda cool. I saw my Dr. yesterday and he said that I could possibly have Emily by next Monday but if not, then we will schedule a day no later than next Thursday for me to be induced. I'm really hoping she comes on her own and I don't have to be induced. I hear it's not really fun and the way he does it includes a catheter so I'm not too stoked about that option. I can't believe it! By next Thursday I will have a BABY!!! I'm living proof that there really should be some sort of license or test or something you have to pass to become a parent. I feel totally clueless about parenting. At least I've had some sort of experience with Jamesy and Joli but they are SO easy it almost doesn't seem real.
I was so freaked out and panicky yesterday before my appt. that I made James leave work to go with me. I call him my Xanax because for some reason I'm so calm around him and feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as he is around. Plus, I knew yesterday would be a big decision day and I really wanted him to be a part of it. Until I heard him say that we should wait one more week I had no idea what I was going to do. It was definitely helpful to have him there to reassure me that we were making the right decision for us and Emily. I've basically been a walking panic attack since last week. I was feeling better late yesterday but I'm back to being a nervous nelly. I'm sure this is normal, especially in this late stage of pregnancy but it's SO awful!! I hate feeling anxious, I've suffered from anxiety for years and years and it's the worse feeling in the world. Having this level of anxiety all day and night is just brutal, so part of me is just ready to get it over with so I can breath a sigh of relief and the other part of me is so scared of her coming into this world that I just want to keep her in my belly forever.
The good part is that now I know she will definitely be here before Xmas so my sister and Mom can have some time with her before they have to go back home. The kids' mom will be here so I'll have some time to get a routine with the baby and hopefully James can take some time off work to help too. I'm mostly just scared of not knowing every little detail of what's to come. What exactly will labor be like? What if I can't handle the pain? What if I get too tired and can't push anymore and they have to give me a c-section? What if something is wrong with Emily?? The fears are endless....
James got me my Xmas present early. I asked for a video camera so I can capture every step with Emily. I will definitely not be doing this again so I don't want to miss a thing and I want it all documented. Plus now that I have it early I will be having James tape a little of the birthing. No vagina shots, but I'd like to have some record of my before and after for Emily to see when she gets older. Plus, Jamesy and Joli do the most hilarious things and I want to be able to capture those moments to hold against them as teenagers :)
I think I get to take some maternity pictures today with Marcie and the kids. That should be fun. I was not going to do it but now I'm thinking I probably will want something to document my time being pregnant and I think it would be nice to have a few pictures of me and the kids too. James is being all weird about his weight (like he's the one whose pregnant and put on 30 plus pounds!!!) so he's not going to partake in the pictures.
My mom has been here for a few days now and that has been a huge help. She went shopping with me on Saturday and has helped with the kids. Yesterday she watched them and picked them up from school and then made a gingerbread house with them too. She put together Emily's swing for me and helped finish up her room. When she's here I really feel like I need a full time nanny. haha I'm so big and tired and it takes me minutes to do anything that I love the help but at the same time, when Emily gets here I'll be tired and delirious from taking care of her 24/7 and I'm worried about what will happen with the kids then. I just hope me and James can juggle the 3 of them in the most productive way possible. Ideally I'd love if I could just get through my thick head that worrying about this stuff is useless. I can handle everything day to day and any situation as it happens but my brain just doesn't work like that...
HOW FAR ALONG: 39 weeks (I'm 1 cm dilated and baby could come - or not - any day now)
SLEEP: The last few days I've felt like a zombie. I can't get enough sleep. It's almost like someone is putting Ambien in my food.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Wow! My food intake has doubled over the last few days. I can't get enough of anything, I just want to stuff my face 24/7.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: All of this anxiety to be over with and to start being a Mom instead of some housing unit for an alien.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: LABOR!!! There has GOT to be a better way to get this child out of me??? Why can't we teleport yet?? Who do I call about that?
Love, Diana :)
I was so freaked out and panicky yesterday before my appt. that I made James leave work to go with me. I call him my Xanax because for some reason I'm so calm around him and feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as he is around. Plus, I knew yesterday would be a big decision day and I really wanted him to be a part of it. Until I heard him say that we should wait one more week I had no idea what I was going to do. It was definitely helpful to have him there to reassure me that we were making the right decision for us and Emily. I've basically been a walking panic attack since last week. I was feeling better late yesterday but I'm back to being a nervous nelly. I'm sure this is normal, especially in this late stage of pregnancy but it's SO awful!! I hate feeling anxious, I've suffered from anxiety for years and years and it's the worse feeling in the world. Having this level of anxiety all day and night is just brutal, so part of me is just ready to get it over with so I can breath a sigh of relief and the other part of me is so scared of her coming into this world that I just want to keep her in my belly forever.
The good part is that now I know she will definitely be here before Xmas so my sister and Mom can have some time with her before they have to go back home. The kids' mom will be here so I'll have some time to get a routine with the baby and hopefully James can take some time off work to help too. I'm mostly just scared of not knowing every little detail of what's to come. What exactly will labor be like? What if I can't handle the pain? What if I get too tired and can't push anymore and they have to give me a c-section? What if something is wrong with Emily?? The fears are endless....
James got me my Xmas present early. I asked for a video camera so I can capture every step with Emily. I will definitely not be doing this again so I don't want to miss a thing and I want it all documented. Plus now that I have it early I will be having James tape a little of the birthing. No vagina shots, but I'd like to have some record of my before and after for Emily to see when she gets older. Plus, Jamesy and Joli do the most hilarious things and I want to be able to capture those moments to hold against them as teenagers :)
I think I get to take some maternity pictures today with Marcie and the kids. That should be fun. I was not going to do it but now I'm thinking I probably will want something to document my time being pregnant and I think it would be nice to have a few pictures of me and the kids too. James is being all weird about his weight (like he's the one whose pregnant and put on 30 plus pounds!!!) so he's not going to partake in the pictures.
My mom has been here for a few days now and that has been a huge help. She went shopping with me on Saturday and has helped with the kids. Yesterday she watched them and picked them up from school and then made a gingerbread house with them too. She put together Emily's swing for me and helped finish up her room. When she's here I really feel like I need a full time nanny. haha I'm so big and tired and it takes me minutes to do anything that I love the help but at the same time, when Emily gets here I'll be tired and delirious from taking care of her 24/7 and I'm worried about what will happen with the kids then. I just hope me and James can juggle the 3 of them in the most productive way possible. Ideally I'd love if I could just get through my thick head that worrying about this stuff is useless. I can handle everything day to day and any situation as it happens but my brain just doesn't work like that...
HOW FAR ALONG: 39 weeks (I'm 1 cm dilated and baby could come - or not - any day now)
SLEEP: The last few days I've felt like a zombie. I can't get enough sleep. It's almost like someone is putting Ambien in my food.
FOOD CRAVINGS: Wow! My food intake has doubled over the last few days. I can't get enough of anything, I just want to stuff my face 24/7.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: All of this anxiety to be over with and to start being a Mom instead of some housing unit for an alien.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: LABOR!!! There has GOT to be a better way to get this child out of me??? Why can't we teleport yet?? Who do I call about that?
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Weeks 37 and 38.....I'm losing track of days and time
Wow! I've been so busy I forgot to blog last week and it was an exciting week too! I'm not even sure where to start....
So last Monday I had my first "check" appt. The Dr. did an ultrasound and measured the baby. The ultrasound machine estimated the baby's weight at about 7.5 lbs but my Dr. said it can be off up to a 1 lb, either a lb. less or more. He's estimating Emily is closer to 8 lbs because of the size of my stomach. Once he told me her size I was in shock and completely forgot about all the questions I had to ask him that day. All I kept thinking was that she is still going to get bigger and I still have weeks to go before she gets here and if I don't figure something out ASAP I'm going to be birthing a toddler!! I asked the Dr. if I stopped eating if she would stop gaining, but apparently it doesn't work like that. He also checked my cervix to see if it was thinning at all. And it wasn't, which was kind of a bummer. He could feel her head though, she's dropped and in position and ready to go, but my body is not. I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't feel like a failure. I was just so sure I would be ready well before she was and now knowing my stupid cervix is delaying her arrival is a let down to say the least. The good news was that I had lost a pound, which made me happy :)
The rest of last week was spent with me trying to come up with ways to get my cervix ready and get her good and irritated so she'll want to vacate my stomach. I walked A LOT! Tried to eat some things that I thought would upset her but then I thought "what if this stuff actually works and she comes sooner than I'm ready for!?!?" So I stopped trying so hard and waited until I saw my Dr. again yesterday to find out where I'm at before I do anything too crazy. I had heard of drinking castro oil to start contractions and thought that sounded like a great idea! Until I read up on it and found it's used to induce vomiting and most likely will cause diarrhea. Granted, I want Emily to hurry up and get here but I'm not trying to make myself sick in order to do it! Plus, I was starting to get paranoid that she'd get here before my Mom did and I don't want her to miss this because I'm so impatient :) I also stopped working last week. Well, sorta...Tuesday was my last day but I did have to go in Thursday and Friday for a few hours. I was so looking forward to being off but now all I do is stress about it all day. I was tempted to just go back until I give birth but I realize that the shop will be the same with or without me there and I better just get used to that. I've become SUCH a control freak during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I can let anything go at this point.
So anyways, I saw my Dr. again yesterday early afternoon to be "checked" again. My cervix hasn't thinned at all since last week. I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I guess I was hoping he would say that it was thinning. I just didn't realize how disappointed I would really be if/when he told me my cervix was the same. I don't know why I'm so down on myself for it but I feel like "what is wrong with me!?". Why can't my body catch up with what's going on here? I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes and the indigestion feels like it's literally killing me at this point. How can I be so miserable in this body? The same body that won't give me my baby and some relief!!??
We did discuss inducing. He told me his fool proof plan on how to get the baby out within 24 hours of starting the process and I definitely trust him. I do have a lot of fears though about the birthing process in general. I'm very much not wanting a c-section and I'm scared that might be what happens. I'm scared because I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately that I'll have one in the hospital and won't be able to calm down. All the what if's are just flooding my brain at this point. Again, I know women give birth every day but I honestly feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm so scared of failing at giving birth that I'm just feeling stuck on what I should do. Whether I should just wait and see what happens naturally or if I should schedule a day and be induced. I'm really undecided at this point. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts until I see my Dr. again next Monday but it's hard not too. Especially when Emily is constantly reminding me that she's here and she's huge and is going to kick me and push me in every way possible if I try and forget that.
That brings up a whole other issue too. I've felt so disconnected from her this whole pregnancy and from my body and the last couple of days I've been feeling differently. I notice myself talking to her when we're alone and enjoying feeling her move inside of my belly. I'm scared I'm going to miss these times of it being just her and me. I know what to do to get her going and to get her to quiet down and she knows the same about me. I don't know if I want to lose that bond just yet. Especially since it's so late in the making. I don't want to share her with anyone yet. I hope this is just typical new Mommy stuff that I'm feeling. I guess only time will tell....
Aside from all this new baby news, my life has been pure chaos. We pulled the kids from daycare to save some money while I'm not working full time and I was thinking they were on the same schedules and it would be easy but instead it's crazy! Joli starts at 8:30, then James at 9:30. Jamesy is out at 1:55 and Joli is out at 3:00pm!! What the hell?? Then I've been trying to get the house ready for my Mom to visit and just because it's dirty and needs to be cleaned. That exhausts me way too quickly. Trying to stay up on laundry and wrapping Xmas gifts as they arrive plus working from home when I can. I don't know what I was thinking but I need help and I'm ready to throw in the flag and call it a day by 8am. I'm really hoping having my Mom and sister here plus James' family will help and keep me as stress free as possible. Especially because until Emily gets here, I would like to have SOME time where I'm just relaxing solo and so far that is just not an option....
HOW FAR ALONG: 38 weeks (officially full term and could schedule to be induced as early as next week)
SLEEP: not much but I'm sure tired a lot
FOOD CRAVINGS: Nothing too crazy. Plus, anything I eat makes me feel awful so I don't partake as much as I thought I would at this point.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Emily getting here so I can have my sanity back and stop these panic attacks for a while. Plus, I'm ready to hold and love on my little girl :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Giving up these last few weeks of our alone time together. Giving up being able to do what I want/need as needed to stay on top of things.
Love, Diana :)
So last Monday I had my first "check" appt. The Dr. did an ultrasound and measured the baby. The ultrasound machine estimated the baby's weight at about 7.5 lbs but my Dr. said it can be off up to a 1 lb, either a lb. less or more. He's estimating Emily is closer to 8 lbs because of the size of my stomach. Once he told me her size I was in shock and completely forgot about all the questions I had to ask him that day. All I kept thinking was that she is still going to get bigger and I still have weeks to go before she gets here and if I don't figure something out ASAP I'm going to be birthing a toddler!! I asked the Dr. if I stopped eating if she would stop gaining, but apparently it doesn't work like that. He also checked my cervix to see if it was thinning at all. And it wasn't, which was kind of a bummer. He could feel her head though, she's dropped and in position and ready to go, but my body is not. I would be lying if I said part of me doesn't feel like a failure. I was just so sure I would be ready well before she was and now knowing my stupid cervix is delaying her arrival is a let down to say the least. The good news was that I had lost a pound, which made me happy :)
The rest of last week was spent with me trying to come up with ways to get my cervix ready and get her good and irritated so she'll want to vacate my stomach. I walked A LOT! Tried to eat some things that I thought would upset her but then I thought "what if this stuff actually works and she comes sooner than I'm ready for!?!?" So I stopped trying so hard and waited until I saw my Dr. again yesterday to find out where I'm at before I do anything too crazy. I had heard of drinking castro oil to start contractions and thought that sounded like a great idea! Until I read up on it and found it's used to induce vomiting and most likely will cause diarrhea. Granted, I want Emily to hurry up and get here but I'm not trying to make myself sick in order to do it! Plus, I was starting to get paranoid that she'd get here before my Mom did and I don't want her to miss this because I'm so impatient :) I also stopped working last week. Well, sorta...Tuesday was my last day but I did have to go in Thursday and Friday for a few hours. I was so looking forward to being off but now all I do is stress about it all day. I was tempted to just go back until I give birth but I realize that the shop will be the same with or without me there and I better just get used to that. I've become SUCH a control freak during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I can let anything go at this point.
So anyways, I saw my Dr. again yesterday early afternoon to be "checked" again. My cervix hasn't thinned at all since last week. I'm feeling a little disappointed in myself. I guess I was hoping he would say that it was thinning. I just didn't realize how disappointed I would really be if/when he told me my cervix was the same. I don't know why I'm so down on myself for it but I feel like "what is wrong with me!?". Why can't my body catch up with what's going on here? I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't get comfortable for 5 minutes and the indigestion feels like it's literally killing me at this point. How can I be so miserable in this body? The same body that won't give me my baby and some relief!!??
We did discuss inducing. He told me his fool proof plan on how to get the baby out within 24 hours of starting the process and I definitely trust him. I do have a lot of fears though about the birthing process in general. I'm very much not wanting a c-section and I'm scared that might be what happens. I'm scared because I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately that I'll have one in the hospital and won't be able to calm down. All the what if's are just flooding my brain at this point. Again, I know women give birth every day but I honestly feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm so scared of failing at giving birth that I'm just feeling stuck on what I should do. Whether I should just wait and see what happens naturally or if I should schedule a day and be induced. I'm really undecided at this point. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts until I see my Dr. again next Monday but it's hard not too. Especially when Emily is constantly reminding me that she's here and she's huge and is going to kick me and push me in every way possible if I try and forget that.
That brings up a whole other issue too. I've felt so disconnected from her this whole pregnancy and from my body and the last couple of days I've been feeling differently. I notice myself talking to her when we're alone and enjoying feeling her move inside of my belly. I'm scared I'm going to miss these times of it being just her and me. I know what to do to get her going and to get her to quiet down and she knows the same about me. I don't know if I want to lose that bond just yet. Especially since it's so late in the making. I don't want to share her with anyone yet. I hope this is just typical new Mommy stuff that I'm feeling. I guess only time will tell....
Aside from all this new baby news, my life has been pure chaos. We pulled the kids from daycare to save some money while I'm not working full time and I was thinking they were on the same schedules and it would be easy but instead it's crazy! Joli starts at 8:30, then James at 9:30. Jamesy is out at 1:55 and Joli is out at 3:00pm!! What the hell?? Then I've been trying to get the house ready for my Mom to visit and just because it's dirty and needs to be cleaned. That exhausts me way too quickly. Trying to stay up on laundry and wrapping Xmas gifts as they arrive plus working from home when I can. I don't know what I was thinking but I need help and I'm ready to throw in the flag and call it a day by 8am. I'm really hoping having my Mom and sister here plus James' family will help and keep me as stress free as possible. Especially because until Emily gets here, I would like to have SOME time where I'm just relaxing solo and so far that is just not an option....
HOW FAR ALONG: 38 weeks (officially full term and could schedule to be induced as early as next week)
SLEEP: not much but I'm sure tired a lot
FOOD CRAVINGS: Nothing too crazy. Plus, anything I eat makes me feel awful so I don't partake as much as I thought I would at this point.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Emily getting here so I can have my sanity back and stop these panic attacks for a while. Plus, I'm ready to hold and love on my little girl :)
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: Giving up these last few weeks of our alone time together. Giving up being able to do what I want/need as needed to stay on top of things.
Love, Diana :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
36 Weeks....Almost full term!
So 37 weeks is considered full term and part of me is really excited to find out where I am and where Emily is at. The other part of me is really scared to find out because that means I'm getting closer to giving birth. Next Monday I go in for my first ultrasound since 20 weeks to measure Emily and check on her and see where she's at. The Dr. will also check my cervix to determine how ready I am to go into labor.
Yesterday at my last 2 week check up, I told my Dr. not to tell me if I'm dilated because I'm too much of a nervous wreck and I won't be able to handle it. But now I regret saying that. As much as I don't want to know, I really want to know! Ugh, what a mess yesterday was too! I have to pee in a cup every appt. and I really really had to pee yesterday so when I got there I knew I'd over fill the cup if I wasn't careful. So I manage to stop myself mid stream to remove the cup and somehow lost control of it and managed to spill pee ALL over my underwear and jeans!!! I had to proceed with the appt. with pee soaked pants. It was uncomfortable to say the least and left me in tears. Immediately following the pee incident, I had to get weighed in. In the last 30 days, I had only gained 1 pd so I wasn't too worried until I saw the numbers.....I gained 8 pds in 2 weeks!!! I know Emily can't weigh 14 pds so obviously it wasn't all her. I started crying again and the nurse tried to convince me that this was okay and I really haven't gained ALL that much weight since getting pregnant but there was no cheering me up at this point. As I sat there in my own urine, thinking about how out of control I am about my weight gain and crying, my Dr. came in. That poor guy....James said he's probably counting down the days until he doesn't have to see me anymore, but I'm hoping I'm not the ONLY pregnant woman to lose it in his office. Anywho, he gave me a hard time about the weight gain which I had anticipated and checked Emily's heartbeat which is slowing down as it should in these next few weeks. He said he can feel her from my ribs all the way down so she's probably really long at this point. I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I couldn't stop crying long enough to get a word out so I guess those questions will have to wait until next week.
I'm actually really nervous for next week just because of Thanksgiving. I mean, I'm not going to be pregnant every year and I've been waiting for this holiday to pig out on all my favorites. I just hope I don't gain another 8 pds in 7 days! But my nurse suggested that maybe I stand away from the scale so I don't see the numbers since it upsets me so much. And at this point I really should just be worried about Emily's health and safety and not how much I weigh. I think I'm just having trouble with it because I feel so out of control with my body. I can't manipulate it to do things I want it to do. Emily's in charge of that now.
At this point, the hardest thing I've been dealing with is the home life. I'm extra grumpy because of the pain and discomfort and I haven't been able to be fun or affectionate for the kids or James. I feel really isolated from them lately and I know it's my fault, I just can't control my emotions at this point. I really just want to sit in bed and cry all day but that's not very productive. And seeing all the things that need to be done around the house is killing me! I want to stay on top of the laundry and keep the kitchen clean, but I'm just too exhausted and overwhelmed to do any of it. That depresses me too. Luckily we have Nana! She's coming over to the house today to do all the scrubbing that I can't do anymore before we're having Turkey Day at our house tomorrow. And I know I have to let these little things go, especially when Emily gets here. I'll be lucky if I have time to take a shower, let alone do dishes or laundry. I hope I'm able to let go of my control issues when she gets here.
The other night while laying in bed, James and I were watching her move. She looked like she was trying to push herself out of my stomach by my belly button. She's gotten really big and it's starting to hurt a little bit when she moves around too much. I can just see her stretching my skin. Then she got the hiccups which was super cute!! Every 2 seconds when she'd hiccup my stomach would bounce up. It was really cute but then I felt bad because she must be just as uncomfortable as I am. She's still spending an awful lot of time near and/or on my bladder. I'm at that stage where I need to stay close to a restroom at all times.
Other than that, nothing too much exciting or new going on. I finally have all of her bedroom stuff to put her room together, now it's just finding the time and energy to actually do it. I'm trying to stay positive through these next few weeks but it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do thus far in my life. I just can't wait for her to get here finally so I can see what all the fuss is about when becoming a Mom for the first time.
HOW FAR ALONG: 36 weeks (baby is over 18 inches and 6 pds. I think Emily is already at 10 pds!)
SLEEP: Oh how I miss a good nights sleep :(
FOOD CRAVINGS: Lately it's been sweets. I tried to get James to go get me ice cream last night but he's harder to convince than I thought....
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The ultrasound next week. Can't wait to see my little girl!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: I don't know anymore....at this point I'm pretty much up for everything that's to come.
Love, Diana :)
Yesterday at my last 2 week check up, I told my Dr. not to tell me if I'm dilated because I'm too much of a nervous wreck and I won't be able to handle it. But now I regret saying that. As much as I don't want to know, I really want to know! Ugh, what a mess yesterday was too! I have to pee in a cup every appt. and I really really had to pee yesterday so when I got there I knew I'd over fill the cup if I wasn't careful. So I manage to stop myself mid stream to remove the cup and somehow lost control of it and managed to spill pee ALL over my underwear and jeans!!! I had to proceed with the appt. with pee soaked pants. It was uncomfortable to say the least and left me in tears. Immediately following the pee incident, I had to get weighed in. In the last 30 days, I had only gained 1 pd so I wasn't too worried until I saw the numbers.....I gained 8 pds in 2 weeks!!! I know Emily can't weigh 14 pds so obviously it wasn't all her. I started crying again and the nurse tried to convince me that this was okay and I really haven't gained ALL that much weight since getting pregnant but there was no cheering me up at this point. As I sat there in my own urine, thinking about how out of control I am about my weight gain and crying, my Dr. came in. That poor guy....James said he's probably counting down the days until he doesn't have to see me anymore, but I'm hoping I'm not the ONLY pregnant woman to lose it in his office. Anywho, he gave me a hard time about the weight gain which I had anticipated and checked Emily's heartbeat which is slowing down as it should in these next few weeks. He said he can feel her from my ribs all the way down so she's probably really long at this point. I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I couldn't stop crying long enough to get a word out so I guess those questions will have to wait until next week.
I'm actually really nervous for next week just because of Thanksgiving. I mean, I'm not going to be pregnant every year and I've been waiting for this holiday to pig out on all my favorites. I just hope I don't gain another 8 pds in 7 days! But my nurse suggested that maybe I stand away from the scale so I don't see the numbers since it upsets me so much. And at this point I really should just be worried about Emily's health and safety and not how much I weigh. I think I'm just having trouble with it because I feel so out of control with my body. I can't manipulate it to do things I want it to do. Emily's in charge of that now.
At this point, the hardest thing I've been dealing with is the home life. I'm extra grumpy because of the pain and discomfort and I haven't been able to be fun or affectionate for the kids or James. I feel really isolated from them lately and I know it's my fault, I just can't control my emotions at this point. I really just want to sit in bed and cry all day but that's not very productive. And seeing all the things that need to be done around the house is killing me! I want to stay on top of the laundry and keep the kitchen clean, but I'm just too exhausted and overwhelmed to do any of it. That depresses me too. Luckily we have Nana! She's coming over to the house today to do all the scrubbing that I can't do anymore before we're having Turkey Day at our house tomorrow. And I know I have to let these little things go, especially when Emily gets here. I'll be lucky if I have time to take a shower, let alone do dishes or laundry. I hope I'm able to let go of my control issues when she gets here.
The other night while laying in bed, James and I were watching her move. She looked like she was trying to push herself out of my stomach by my belly button. She's gotten really big and it's starting to hurt a little bit when she moves around too much. I can just see her stretching my skin. Then she got the hiccups which was super cute!! Every 2 seconds when she'd hiccup my stomach would bounce up. It was really cute but then I felt bad because she must be just as uncomfortable as I am. She's still spending an awful lot of time near and/or on my bladder. I'm at that stage where I need to stay close to a restroom at all times.
Other than that, nothing too much exciting or new going on. I finally have all of her bedroom stuff to put her room together, now it's just finding the time and energy to actually do it. I'm trying to stay positive through these next few weeks but it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do thus far in my life. I just can't wait for her to get here finally so I can see what all the fuss is about when becoming a Mom for the first time.
HOW FAR ALONG: 36 weeks (baby is over 18 inches and 6 pds. I think Emily is already at 10 pds!)
SLEEP: Oh how I miss a good nights sleep :(
FOOD CRAVINGS: Lately it's been sweets. I tried to get James to go get me ice cream last night but he's harder to convince than I thought....
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: The ultrasound next week. Can't wait to see my little girl!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: I don't know anymore....at this point I'm pretty much up for everything that's to come.
Love, Diana :)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Week 35.....Stick a fork in me.
Holy exhaustion!! I can't wait to read this to Emily when she's older so I can finally ask her what I did while she was in the womb to make her hate me so much? I know the last month is supposedly the toughest but I guess I'm just getting antsy since it's so close to the end. It's like I've been uncomfortable for so long and emotional for so long that even considering going through it for one more day feels impossible. Impossible and unbearable. I tell James every day that I'm dying but I really mean it. I feel like she's trying to kill me or maybe just push my buttons to see how strong I am. Well, guess what Emily!? Mommy is not strong!!! She's not strong at all and you have broken me down to a point I never thought I could ever reach in my life. I suffered from depression as a teenager and yesterday I remembered those feelings and how awful they were. How it felt to think I was alone, that no one would or could possibly understand why I'm upset all the time. The crying, the thoughts of ending my life, all of it PALES in comparison to how I'm feeling these days. I would give anything to just feel like I did when I was 13, 14. I can handle emotional distress and anxiety. I can't handle it while experiencing such chronic awful indigestion and chest pains, back pains, nose bleeds, headaches. Who in their right mind actually wants to do this to themselves for 9 months?? That Duggar family must be on crack! 20 kids??? Hell no! I'm not saying that Emily won't be amazing because let's face it, she'll be half me so she's bound to be the greatest thing since sliced bread but suffering for this long of a time feels like centuries and I will never ever put myself through it again.
Aside from the pain and sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety is getting to me big time. I feel like there's so much that needs to be done and not enough time. And not knowing exactly when she'll get here is so stressful for me. I need to plan! I need to have an exact day and time so I know where to be, what to have ready and what to get done ahead of time. And again....I have to birth something from my precious hoohoo. I'm freaking out!!! What will it feel like? What if my water doesn't break, how will I know if I'm in labor?? What if the pain is too unbearable and I can't handle it? What if I can't or don't push right and they have to do a c-section because I can't get my shit together?? There is just not enough time in the world to prepare me for giving birth and I know I'll never feel ready. I just wish I didn't feel so scared of it. Sometimes I don't because when I'm in a lot of pain at that moment I could care less if she carved her way out of my stomach with a rusty old butter knife but when the pain subsides for even 5 minutes, I'm panicking over this whole labor thing. But at the same time if I try to read about labor at all I get even more panicky and start imagining the worse and have to stop reading. I'm even panicking right now as I type this.....thank God I'm in therapy!
Last night I finally got to my thank you cards from the baby shower and it literally took me 5 hours to do them! The pain in my chest was so bad that after I'd write 1-2 cards I'd have to stop and lay on my back for at least 5 minutes to relieve the pain before I could write another 1-2 cards. Who knew writing thank you notes would be so exhausting?? I feel super worthless these days. I have to push myself so hard just to do the dishes or a load of laundry. I get tired very easily and am in pain a lot of the time. And apparently at this point she should be running out of room but either she's super tiny or my uterus is huge because she still moves and kicks A LOT! Oh and also according to my e-mails, she's fully grown and developed, now she's just putting on pounds. Uh, you think you could help me out and gain that weight OUT of the womb?? I'm sure it's warm in there and all but you are SUPER uncomfortable. And the kicking on my bladder needs to stop ASAP! I feel like a 80 yr old woman whose lost control of her bladder....
On a happy note though (doesn't seem to be many of those these days!) I'm getting everything together to finally finish up her room. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this weekend and I am getting really excited to see and hold her. I know I will love her to pieces and I know I'll be a good Mom, I'm just feeling really restless for her to get here already.
HOW FAR ALONG: 35 weeks (baby is about 18 inches long and should weigh 5 1/2 pds)
SLEEP: I'm up and down all night but I do get a minimum of 3-4 hours a night. Just a lot of wacky dreams...
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything. Lots of sweet and salty mixes are at the top of my list these days.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Thanksgiving!!! I'm going to PIG out!!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: 1 when Emily gets here. I hope she sleeps a lot.
Love, Diana :)
Aside from the pain and sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety is getting to me big time. I feel like there's so much that needs to be done and not enough time. And not knowing exactly when she'll get here is so stressful for me. I need to plan! I need to have an exact day and time so I know where to be, what to have ready and what to get done ahead of time. And again....I have to birth something from my precious hoohoo. I'm freaking out!!! What will it feel like? What if my water doesn't break, how will I know if I'm in labor?? What if the pain is too unbearable and I can't handle it? What if I can't or don't push right and they have to do a c-section because I can't get my shit together?? There is just not enough time in the world to prepare me for giving birth and I know I'll never feel ready. I just wish I didn't feel so scared of it. Sometimes I don't because when I'm in a lot of pain at that moment I could care less if she carved her way out of my stomach with a rusty old butter knife but when the pain subsides for even 5 minutes, I'm panicking over this whole labor thing. But at the same time if I try to read about labor at all I get even more panicky and start imagining the worse and have to stop reading. I'm even panicking right now as I type this.....thank God I'm in therapy!
Last night I finally got to my thank you cards from the baby shower and it literally took me 5 hours to do them! The pain in my chest was so bad that after I'd write 1-2 cards I'd have to stop and lay on my back for at least 5 minutes to relieve the pain before I could write another 1-2 cards. Who knew writing thank you notes would be so exhausting?? I feel super worthless these days. I have to push myself so hard just to do the dishes or a load of laundry. I get tired very easily and am in pain a lot of the time. And apparently at this point she should be running out of room but either she's super tiny or my uterus is huge because she still moves and kicks A LOT! Oh and also according to my e-mails, she's fully grown and developed, now she's just putting on pounds. Uh, you think you could help me out and gain that weight OUT of the womb?? I'm sure it's warm in there and all but you are SUPER uncomfortable. And the kicking on my bladder needs to stop ASAP! I feel like a 80 yr old woman whose lost control of her bladder....
On a happy note though (doesn't seem to be many of those these days!) I'm getting everything together to finally finish up her room. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this weekend and I am getting really excited to see and hold her. I know I will love her to pieces and I know I'll be a good Mom, I'm just feeling really restless for her to get here already.
HOW FAR ALONG: 35 weeks (baby is about 18 inches long and should weigh 5 1/2 pds)
SLEEP: I'm up and down all night but I do get a minimum of 3-4 hours a night. Just a lot of wacky dreams...
FOOD CRAVINGS: I'll eat anything. Lots of sweet and salty mixes are at the top of my list these days.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Thanksgiving!!! I'm going to PIG out!!!
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO: 1 when Emily gets here. I hope she sleeps a lot.
Love, Diana :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Baby Shower Overview!!
Well of course I have to blog about the baby shower separately from my weekly blogs :) I just don't even know where to begin! My sister came into town Saturday night and that's when I got to find out the theme of the party was Hello Kitty (my favorite!!) Her and I worked on the party favors while Jamesy and Joli helped. She had a bunch of different little lip glosses and we tied pink bows around them with an E and a heart on the bows for Emily. The kids helped us sort through a few bags of letters to pick out each E and heart. It was a little time consuming but lots of fun and I know they loved being able to help. My poor Momma was stuck vacuuming and cleaning the house while we chit chatted and "worked" on other parts of the shower. But in my defense, I at least steam mopped the dining room and kitchen :)
Sunday morning, Joli and I went to get our nails done down the street. She was so excited and got to wear Hello Kitty clothes to match the shower theme. Poor James had a pregnant cow on the war path who wouldn't even let him eat at the house for fear of making any sort of mess. I kicked him out by 10am and he called me a baby shower-zilla. And I kinda agree with him. I was a little out of hand :) Anywho, when Joli and I got back from being pampered I was greeted with chips and salsa and got to pig out while watching my Mom, sister and best friend Jamie decorate. They also helped me get dressed and Julie did my hair and make up which I loved! My sister got caterers who were there cooking in the kitchen and setting up tables. They were so awesome! They had a menu displayed with lots of good food and a table for drinks (yes, everyone got to booze it up!) Jamie did really awesome center pieces for the tables and there was lots of Hello Kitty balloons. And the cake!!! The cake was amazing! It was huge and had Hello Kitty decorations on it. Plus the caterers brought brownies and mini cookies. Everything was so good and I'm glad I have a bunch of leftovers :)
There were so many gifts and people who came! I couldn't believe it. It was really overwhelming to see so many people. My great Aunt Jean came who I haven't seen in years and one of her daughters, my cousin Kathy with her two daughters Laura and Shelby. I held Shelby as a newborn and she's got to be in her 20's now! And a good family friend Kathleen came and it was just so nice to see old faces I haven't seen in so long. And all my friends and family were there. It was AMAZING! I got lots of homemade blankets and clothes and those meant a lot. I can't even cook toast so I'm in awe of people who can actually knit. Another friend made me a memory box with a homemade scrap book. It was just so unbelievable! Of course I have no room in the house for any of this new stuff but I'm sure I'll figure it all out :)
And I'm really proud of myself because I only cried twice! I thought I'd be balling all day but luckily my hormones were somewhat in check. I think it was because I was too hot to be emotional. haha And 3 of my girlfriends that came to the shower are pregnant too and we're all having girls!! It was nice to swap stories and advice. But I think my favorite part of the whole day was after everyone left and the place was cleared out. My friends Jamie, Marcie and Amber stayed behind for a few hours. My mom heated up some leftover appetizers and chips and salsa and we all sat around and reminisced of our high school days and laughed and ate. My poor Mom had to hear a lot more than I'm sure she wanted to but that's to be expected with us girls! Jamie read me the advice cards that everyone filled out and aside from two cards all the advice was great. It helped remind me how much I really will love being a Mom and how much I have to look forward to with Emily. It also let me know that I will have help if I get too overwhelmed. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll quickly find my niche and routine with the 3 kiddos in the house but I do have some fear about trying to juggle it all and I just want everything to go perfectly. James keeps having to remind me that there's no such thing and it will all work out on it's own. And I know he's right, there's no such thing as perfect and people won't judge me if I have a dirty house or dishes in the sink. That will be a hard thing to overcome but I'm hoping I can put all my craziness aside and just focus on my beautiful family.
The main girl to thank for such a wonderful baby shower is my sister. She planned it and kept calm and kept me calm through the whole process and did it while living a whole state away and while traveling a lot for work. There aren't enough words to thank her. My mom was so helpful too and she kept her calm through the whole weekend and day of. She even cleaned the house last night and it's all back to normal :) My best friend Jamie was awesome too!! I loved her center pieces and the mason jars with candles was beautiful! She kept track of the diaper game. Even after I tried to ruin it by "helping" pass out numbers. hahaha It was such a great experience that I will never ever forget and I just can't even thank everyone enough. There aren't enough words or hugs or tears that can express my gratitude. Emily is so lucky to have such wonderful people in her life already who will love her to pieces and I'm the luckiest Mom in the world to have those same wonderful people in my life too.
Love, Diana :)
Sunday morning, Joli and I went to get our nails done down the street. She was so excited and got to wear Hello Kitty clothes to match the shower theme. Poor James had a pregnant cow on the war path who wouldn't even let him eat at the house for fear of making any sort of mess. I kicked him out by 10am and he called me a baby shower-zilla. And I kinda agree with him. I was a little out of hand :) Anywho, when Joli and I got back from being pampered I was greeted with chips and salsa and got to pig out while watching my Mom, sister and best friend Jamie decorate. They also helped me get dressed and Julie did my hair and make up which I loved! My sister got caterers who were there cooking in the kitchen and setting up tables. They were so awesome! They had a menu displayed with lots of good food and a table for drinks (yes, everyone got to booze it up!) Jamie did really awesome center pieces for the tables and there was lots of Hello Kitty balloons. And the cake!!! The cake was amazing! It was huge and had Hello Kitty decorations on it. Plus the caterers brought brownies and mini cookies. Everything was so good and I'm glad I have a bunch of leftovers :)
There were so many gifts and people who came! I couldn't believe it. It was really overwhelming to see so many people. My great Aunt Jean came who I haven't seen in years and one of her daughters, my cousin Kathy with her two daughters Laura and Shelby. I held Shelby as a newborn and she's got to be in her 20's now! And a good family friend Kathleen came and it was just so nice to see old faces I haven't seen in so long. And all my friends and family were there. It was AMAZING! I got lots of homemade blankets and clothes and those meant a lot. I can't even cook toast so I'm in awe of people who can actually knit. Another friend made me a memory box with a homemade scrap book. It was just so unbelievable! Of course I have no room in the house for any of this new stuff but I'm sure I'll figure it all out :)
And I'm really proud of myself because I only cried twice! I thought I'd be balling all day but luckily my hormones were somewhat in check. I think it was because I was too hot to be emotional. haha And 3 of my girlfriends that came to the shower are pregnant too and we're all having girls!! It was nice to swap stories and advice. But I think my favorite part of the whole day was after everyone left and the place was cleared out. My friends Jamie, Marcie and Amber stayed behind for a few hours. My mom heated up some leftover appetizers and chips and salsa and we all sat around and reminisced of our high school days and laughed and ate. My poor Mom had to hear a lot more than I'm sure she wanted to but that's to be expected with us girls! Jamie read me the advice cards that everyone filled out and aside from two cards all the advice was great. It helped remind me how much I really will love being a Mom and how much I have to look forward to with Emily. It also let me know that I will have help if I get too overwhelmed. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll quickly find my niche and routine with the 3 kiddos in the house but I do have some fear about trying to juggle it all and I just want everything to go perfectly. James keeps having to remind me that there's no such thing and it will all work out on it's own. And I know he's right, there's no such thing as perfect and people won't judge me if I have a dirty house or dishes in the sink. That will be a hard thing to overcome but I'm hoping I can put all my craziness aside and just focus on my beautiful family.
The main girl to thank for such a wonderful baby shower is my sister. She planned it and kept calm and kept me calm through the whole process and did it while living a whole state away and while traveling a lot for work. There aren't enough words to thank her. My mom was so helpful too and she kept her calm through the whole weekend and day of. She even cleaned the house last night and it's all back to normal :) My best friend Jamie was awesome too!! I loved her center pieces and the mason jars with candles was beautiful! She kept track of the diaper game. Even after I tried to ruin it by "helping" pass out numbers. hahaha It was such a great experience that I will never ever forget and I just can't even thank everyone enough. There aren't enough words or hugs or tears that can express my gratitude. Emily is so lucky to have such wonderful people in her life already who will love her to pieces and I'm the luckiest Mom in the world to have those same wonderful people in my life too.
Love, Diana :)
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