I'm done counting weeks. I can't remember the last time I blogged or how old Emily is at this point. Right now she's sitting in her new Bumbo (AKA the greatest invention ever!) and farting. Yep, she's a gasser!! Rips butt all day long and in her sleep at night....cute! And she figured out how to drool, so her clothes are constantly soaked and sometimes mine are too. However, she is the cutest thing on this planet as far as I'm concerned and nothing she could possibly do would convince me otherwise.
I've been feeling a lot better in the last few weeks. My anxiety level is down and I finally feel ready to go back to work. In fact, last night I had to go into the office to work for a few hours because I couldn't connect from home and it was nice to just be there and only have to worry about work for a little while and not be worrying about Emily. James and I finally went over our budgets and regardless if I go back to work or stay at home the left over income from bills remains the same, but James is really worried and stressed about his job. I mean, if his industry got slow or he got let go for some reason, we would be screwed! If he lost his job though regardless if I had mine or not it would still leave us screwed, but I understand he doesn't want that extra pressure on him. His job is stressful enough as it is. I just hope I don't regret not staying home, at least until Emily is older or going to school. The good part is that I have authorization to get a housekeeper if I go back to work since we'll never have time to clean once I'm working. We won't have time to cook meals or do laundry either. Too bad those services aren't included with the housekeeper :)
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately. I'm spending more time with the older kids and feeling better about our relationship. Emily has been "talking" a lot lately. She loves to sit up and be able to see what's going on. She loves the TV and the computer. I'm assuming because their big and bright and change a lot. She's sleeping through the night which is the greatest thing in the world!! Granted, she's still sleeping in bed with James and I but when she'll go to bed at 8-9 and sleep until 7-8 the next morning I don't care if she has to sleep on my face!
She also go to meet her Great Grandma Cookie the other day and I thought that was very cool. Everyone seems to love her, or at least they say so to my face. hahaha She's a total chunker. I bring her around other babies and regardless of their age she seems to be double their size. But I don't really mind. She's happy and healthy and that's all that I care about.
My mom is finally coming to see her this week. She'll only be for a few days but I'm glad she'll get to see how big Emily has gotten and get to spend time with her and Jamesy and Joli. They love spending time with Grandma Sue! Plus, James and I are going to have our first over nighter sans kids! I'm a little nervous about sleeping away from Emily but if I have the option to have her stay at our house overnight, that makes me feel a lot better. Originally we were going to go to Napa and it was going to be AMAZING! But now we have to be home early Saturday so we're just going to do a night in the city. At least we'll have a nice dinner, stay in a nice hotel and hopefully do a little drinking that night. I hope my mom can handle all 3 kids overnight. It can be very overwhelming to say the least!
And its bath time for baby and then a fun day with Nana and Papa so I can get some house cleaning and laundry done. What fun my life has become......
Love, Diana :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Week 7,8,9.......to eternity
Wow, I get no time to even think of blogging anymore. Luckily Emily was so cranky she spent a good hour crying because I wouldn't hold her and tired herself out. If she naps more than 5 minutes I might actually get to write something!
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
I was lucky enough to qualify for paid family leave once my maternity pay stopped so I get another 6 weeks paid off to bond with Emily. This was a life saver but I'm already stressed about it ending. The first 6 weeks flew by and I know these next 6 (well now 4) weeks will go by even faster. It's such a weird feeling I have about Emily. I just don't see myself ever being ready to leave her for any amount of time during the days. I know my Dad is super understanding and I could start back part time and ease into it but it just feels so overwhelming. I love being the first one to see her when she wakes up and the big smiles she gives me when I change her diapers. I love how she stares into my eyes while she's eating. She is so so amazing and I'm terrified to miss even one second of her life. I know it's not healthy to feel this way because I don't want to end up not leaving the house and giving up a social life to just focus on her. I mean, let's face it, they grow up and eventually want nothing to do with being mothered (or smothered as may be the case) but it's hard to actually do something about it. I'm sure I'm having such a hard time because of the postpartum. I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks almost daily. I cry just thinking about Emily and the kids, whether it's because I love them so much or because I'm upset about something. I feel extremely needy and lonely at the same time. I still feel really spaced out and unable to do simple tasks but it's just hard to know if it's general depression or stress or what.
I guess the most irritating part about all of this is the fact that I don't know what's okay to do/feel and what's not. I envisioned me spending my time off taking her places all the time and doing things out of the house every day. Instead I just want to stay inside in my pj's all day (and mostly do) unless I have to leave for something. I find lots of excuses to not keep up on household chores. And I just feel very guilty about all of this. I feel guilty about being reclusive but not guilty enough to do something about it. I've become my own worse enemy. I fight myself every inch of the way when I try to improve something in my life.
All of this means nothing when I think about this wonderful baby I have and the wonderful step kids I get to help raise. But it's just a constant struggle and I worry all the time that I'm screwing up all 3 kids but at the same time, what can I really do? I'm going to make myself sick with stress and worry if I don't at some point just say "fuck it!" If I screw up, I screw up. Too bad I consciously know that but can't actually act that way. haha
Emily is doing great by the way. She's cooing more and more and spending a little more time during the day awake instead of just sleeping all day. She's evened out on her eating and I haven't had to add anymore formula to her feedings in quite a while. She's starting to reach out for objects a little more and LOVES when she knocks a toy or something and it makes a noise. She's so amazed that she can do it and it keeps her happy for about 5 minutes before she realizes she's not being held and gets angry again. But if you heard her little cry and whimpering you'd pick her up too! She's so cute and little and I want to make her happy all the time. Well, except for at the end of the day when I've had enough and will just let her yell it out to get a 5 minute break. Her eyes seem to be adjusting to things better every day. She LOVES to smile and do a little silent laugh. She opens her mouth like she's laughing but no noise comes out. She mostly smiles when she wakes up from sleeping and when she's full or just had a butt change. I guess I'd be happy too if I was fed and had a clean diaper. She is having more and more explosive poops though. I've determined diapers are either not as supportive as they should be in 2012 or I'm not putting them on right. Lots of outfits have had to be tossed and she's a little busy body and is constantly swinging her feet into her poop while I'm trying to change her....I'm sure this is nothing to what's to come but I'm glad that it's all gradual to get me used to how it will be when she gets really sick for the first time or something else tragic happens.
I've been talking to my therapist a lot lately about my relationship with Joli and Jamesy. I worry about them feeling excluded and I'm so exhausted from caring for Emily that I don't have a lot of patience for their little quirks like I used to. So I decided to have a special girls day out with just me and Joli. I didn't want Emily to be there to take away from Joli's attention and I wanted a day to just focus on her. We had such a great day! First we went to Nordstroms and I bought her a pair of blue sparkly Toms. Then we went to Build a Bear and she got a stuffed dog with a heart over one eye. We got her a sparkly red dress and matching high heels! Yes, a stuffed dog with high heels....Then we went to Juicy Couture and they were having an awesome sale! I was able to buy her a jacket and some bracelets for really cheap. We ate lunch at her favorite place, Cheesecake Factory and I listened to all of her stories about her favorite shows she's watching and girlfriends at school. I guess since I was always such a sensitive child and felt emotionally neglected from my parents, I'm extra paranoid that that's going to be the case with these kids. And even though I worry about that, I have to really push myself to not be that way and it's hard. It's a daily struggle. But maybe they'll be more resilient than me. Maybe they're not so sensitive and will be just fine. I think it helps a lot too that they have extended family that is always around them and giving them lots of love too. I'm such a paranoid, sensitive person that I can't imagine being able to be a parent without being highly medicated. hahaha Everyone is probably fine and I'm going to make myself sick with worry that they're not.....
My sister has been able to visit twice in the last month and brought some pictures of me as a baby that my Mom gave her. WOW! Emily really is my mini me. We look A LOT alike and sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself as a baby. It's amazing how having a child of your own can change everything about yourself in a second. I wish I could see my sister more often and I'm contemplating taking a road trip to Oregon to see her with Emily. It's either the worse idea ever to travel with an infant or the best idea to do it while she's still sleeping most of the day. hahaha I haven't figured it out yet.
We did go to Monterey the other day and that was the farthest from home we've taken Emily. She did really really good. She didn't sleep the whole time like I assumed she would but she didn't cry and looked content seeing all the people and new places. But having to push that stroller everywhere is such a pain in the ass! It doesn't fit anywhere and I was constantly running over people's heels and toes. Sorry was the word of the day for me :)
And she's up....
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Week 6.....Back to work??
I was feeling pretty good lately and then a letter came in the mail today that has me devastated....today is the last day I'm getting paid by the state for maternity leave :(
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
It's not like I don't want to go back to work because I do. I miss having somewhere to go everyday and seeing my Dad and my co-workers. As much as they drive me nuts, they are hilarious and good for a lot more conversation than Emily. But I don't feel ready to leave Emily let. I love spending every day with her and being there every time she wakes up. I want to be the one who feeds her at every meal and changes her every diaper (well maybe not the explosive poopy ones). I don't want to miss her holding her head up on her own for the first time or her first giggle. Just the thought of being away from her for more than a few hours makes me cry. Even as I type this she's laying right next to me sleeping. She is so wonderful and tiny and she has no business being away from her Mommy.
Another fun issue for me lately has been my weight. I don't expect to weigh less than I did before I was pregnant or anything and I understand it takes time for your body to heal but I just have no patience and I feel like I'll look like this forever. Nothing fits yet and I got my first post baby weigh in and it was DEVASTATING! I want to start doing something to help me lose weight but I'm just having a really hard time starting somewhere. For some reason I've been having crazy cravings since not being pregnant! My sweet tooth is insane lately. On top of that I'm exhausted 24/7. I can't imagine trying to do anything physically challenging whenever I get a break from holding Emily. All I can think about is a nap! I have a bad tendency of silently beating myself up a lot. I'm trying not to because I did just have a baby but I still constantly tell myself what a failure I am for not being thinner.
Okay, I need to focus on some positive right about now. So little Em is doing really good. Her baby acne is getting a little better every day. She LOVES bath time! Always tries to drink the water and just lays content as long as I'll let her stay in there. Her newborn clothes are getting tight and she's definitely at a "healthy" weight. She mostly likes to be held, even if she's sleeping. You can let her sleep in your arms for an hour but as soon as you put her down she knows and wakes up and cries until you pick her up again. James and I let her sleep in bed with us in the middle. I love waking up and seeing her little face next to mine but I am starting to get nervous that this might be the worse idea ever! James said that both of his kids slept in bed with him for almost a year and they transitioned just fine into their own beds, but my Mom thinks this is not good. She's recommending we get her to sleep in her own crib ASAP. I know before I had her I said I would never let her sleep with us because I knew she'd never want to sleep alone but once you have that cute little love muffin in your arms, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I'm trying not to stress about it too much since she is only 6 weeks old but I'm just worried that the more time goes by the harder it will be for all of us to get her to sleep in her own bed.
My favorite thing about Emily is that she appears to be a Mommy's girl. When other people hold her she looks for me and if she hears my voice she'll turn to find me. There is nothing more wonderful than that. She makes a lot of eye contact with me, especially when I feed her. Today she was smiling SO much while I dressed her. It's amazing to have someone look at you like that. I've definitely never experienced it before and I can't imagine how I lived before it.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed a lot of the time with the 3 kids. I'm really behind on my work stuff and I just feel like I'll never have a "normal" life again. I feel like I'm constantly trying to get everything done, but I don't know what everything consists of and there's always more work to be done.
And with that, Emily is fussy and awake so my alone time has ended....
Love,
Diana :)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Week 5.....Viewer Discretion Advised
Note to reader: This post is going to be filled with foul language and lots of anger. If you're easily offended please do not read!
What the fuck!? What the fuck!!!??? Today is shit. Absolute shit. It's days like this that I wish I could get in my car and run away. Never talk to anyone again or see anyone again. I'm starting to hate everyone. Everyone who gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Everyone who only has themselves to worry about on a daily basis. I'm starting to hate these children who are so fucking needy. As if it isn't bad enough that I have a fucking infant in my arms at all hours of the day and night but I can't keep track of the other two on top of it. Today I spent all morning/afternoon getting stuff for Joli's 8th birthday, which is tomorrow. I was so proud of myself for even remembering that she had a birthday, let alone being able to get to the store to buy gifts and cake mix to make for her tomorrow. Forward to me driving home when I realize, "shit, I forgot cupcakes for her class tomorrow!!" Normally, I would of said fuck it and she's not bringing anything but I can't really do that. Of course Emily was only good enough for one go around at a store so she screamed the whole time I went back for the cupcakes.
Speaking of the devil child, what kind of sicko finally lets you sleep for 4 hours but then starts screaming at 3:30am to be fed, only to eat 1 oz of formula before passing back out!!!!??? I'll tell you, the same sicko who then in turn wakes up as you're getting back into bed for another oz and then stays awake for another hour while you're trying to fall asleep. 1 oz!!?? Really Emily?? You couldn't let your poor exhausted Mother get some much needed sleep for 1 fucking oz??? In my defense, she eats 4 oz at every feeding so to waste my time with 1 oz is the most irritating thing in the world.
After my lack of sleep last night, I had to run around all day so no nap for me until the kids were picked up and home from school. So I'm trying to keep Emily awake so she'll sleep with me but no go. So I fed her before finally taking a nap at 3:30pm and told the kids to be quiet while we slept. I should have been more specific....instead of hearing them talk the whole time, they're throwing toys and stomping back and forth from room to room. And as soon as I finally dose off Emily is wide awake and screaming for more food. And of course she only took 1 oz before passing out again but tough shit for me! I'm already up and not falling back asleep. As my groggy ass is starting dinner for the kids because I agreed to do dinner and showers tonight because James is having such a rough day (which now pales in comparison to my rough day), I realize that today was Joli's art class she was supposed to go after school that cost us $100 and I completely forgot!!!! Plus, she has a big project due on Friday that she's barely started and James wants me to help her on. Oh and to add insult to injury I had an upset stomach all day and little miss fussy pants refuses to be left alone so I got to take her to all my bathroom visits with me. I think you officially lose all dignity once you're holding your child while dropping the kids off at the pool......FML!!
And all I can think about is how the hell is this house going to survive once I go back to work and there is no one home during the day. Not like Emily lets me get a lot done but I do get to do the dishes at least once and can occasionally trade out a load of laundry or vacuum a room. And NORMALLY I can constantly check the fridge the see what's going on with that week with the kids. However, I am at a point where a serious discussion of putting the older kids back in daycare ASAP is much needed.
Days like this I wish I was 20 something again, living alone and not having anyone to worry about but myself. Then again, as soon as I wish that I feel guilty and ultimately can't imagine a day without my family. But cheese and rice this is bullshit!!
So my piece of advice to anyone who treasures their alone time, is never ever have kids. They're cute and lovable but needy as all hell and unless one of them makes a million dollars and supports me in lavish homes and cars in my old age, I don't see where all this hassle is worth it.....
As for Emily, she's perfect of course! As much as she drives me crazy, I can't complain. She's not colic or allergic to her formula. She only poops every other day. I know I have it easy compared to other parents but it doesn't make my days any easier. She still doesn't do much but eat and sleep. I still love her and think she's the cutest thing in the world though. I just hate her right now :)
With irritation and a cold beer in hand to cope,
Diana :/
P.S. This is strictly a rant. Of course there's good times and happy days and I worship everyone in my life. They are the reason I get up every day.
What the fuck!? What the fuck!!!??? Today is shit. Absolute shit. It's days like this that I wish I could get in my car and run away. Never talk to anyone again or see anyone again. I'm starting to hate everyone. Everyone who gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Everyone who only has themselves to worry about on a daily basis. I'm starting to hate these children who are so fucking needy. As if it isn't bad enough that I have a fucking infant in my arms at all hours of the day and night but I can't keep track of the other two on top of it. Today I spent all morning/afternoon getting stuff for Joli's 8th birthday, which is tomorrow. I was so proud of myself for even remembering that she had a birthday, let alone being able to get to the store to buy gifts and cake mix to make for her tomorrow. Forward to me driving home when I realize, "shit, I forgot cupcakes for her class tomorrow!!" Normally, I would of said fuck it and she's not bringing anything but I can't really do that. Of course Emily was only good enough for one go around at a store so she screamed the whole time I went back for the cupcakes.
Speaking of the devil child, what kind of sicko finally lets you sleep for 4 hours but then starts screaming at 3:30am to be fed, only to eat 1 oz of formula before passing back out!!!!??? I'll tell you, the same sicko who then in turn wakes up as you're getting back into bed for another oz and then stays awake for another hour while you're trying to fall asleep. 1 oz!!?? Really Emily?? You couldn't let your poor exhausted Mother get some much needed sleep for 1 fucking oz??? In my defense, she eats 4 oz at every feeding so to waste my time with 1 oz is the most irritating thing in the world.
After my lack of sleep last night, I had to run around all day so no nap for me until the kids were picked up and home from school. So I'm trying to keep Emily awake so she'll sleep with me but no go. So I fed her before finally taking a nap at 3:30pm and told the kids to be quiet while we slept. I should have been more specific....instead of hearing them talk the whole time, they're throwing toys and stomping back and forth from room to room. And as soon as I finally dose off Emily is wide awake and screaming for more food. And of course she only took 1 oz before passing out again but tough shit for me! I'm already up and not falling back asleep. As my groggy ass is starting dinner for the kids because I agreed to do dinner and showers tonight because James is having such a rough day (which now pales in comparison to my rough day), I realize that today was Joli's art class she was supposed to go after school that cost us $100 and I completely forgot!!!! Plus, she has a big project due on Friday that she's barely started and James wants me to help her on. Oh and to add insult to injury I had an upset stomach all day and little miss fussy pants refuses to be left alone so I got to take her to all my bathroom visits with me. I think you officially lose all dignity once you're holding your child while dropping the kids off at the pool......FML!!
And all I can think about is how the hell is this house going to survive once I go back to work and there is no one home during the day. Not like Emily lets me get a lot done but I do get to do the dishes at least once and can occasionally trade out a load of laundry or vacuum a room. And NORMALLY I can constantly check the fridge the see what's going on with that week with the kids. However, I am at a point where a serious discussion of putting the older kids back in daycare ASAP is much needed.
Days like this I wish I was 20 something again, living alone and not having anyone to worry about but myself. Then again, as soon as I wish that I feel guilty and ultimately can't imagine a day without my family. But cheese and rice this is bullshit!!
So my piece of advice to anyone who treasures their alone time, is never ever have kids. They're cute and lovable but needy as all hell and unless one of them makes a million dollars and supports me in lavish homes and cars in my old age, I don't see where all this hassle is worth it.....
As for Emily, she's perfect of course! As much as she drives me crazy, I can't complain. She's not colic or allergic to her formula. She only poops every other day. I know I have it easy compared to other parents but it doesn't make my days any easier. She still doesn't do much but eat and sleep. I still love her and think she's the cutest thing in the world though. I just hate her right now :)
With irritation and a cold beer in hand to cope,
Diana :/
P.S. This is strictly a rant. Of course there's good times and happy days and I worship everyone in my life. They are the reason I get up every day.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Week 4.....Time is flying by!!
I felt like I was pregnant FOREVER and now that Emily is here time is just flying by way too fast. I'm already having to think about going back to work and daycare and I can barely stand to spend 2 hours away from my little girl and I barely like to leave her with her Dad, let alone some stranger for an entire day!
I think I may be suffering from some postpartum but nothing too bad. I do tend to cry a lot and am feeling very strange and overwhelmed and vulnerable BUT I'm also the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine or express and I already can't imagine life without her. There's an episode of Family Guy (my favorite show!) where Brian finds out he has a teenage son and all of a sudden news stories of people being hurt/killed or planes crashing, etc. affect him completely different. He says "Oh my God, I can't imagine!" "If my son was on that plane..." and "Until you have a child, you don't know" Me and James still laugh about that episode and mimic it and now it's exactly how I feel. Everything I see, read or hear affects me in a completely different way. I do put myself and my daughter in those situations and freak out at the thought of something bad happening. I can honestly say that if something happened to Emily, I would die. I would literally die. And if not from sadness than by jumping off a bridge. I could not imagine spending one day without her.
As I'm writing this and feeling this, all I can think is "What the hell happened to me??" I never thought I'd fall so hard for this little girl who made me miserable for 9 months. I never thought that cuddling with her would be more important to me than my free time or going out and partying. I've become such a lame ass! Luckily, I haven't lost my potty mouth :) I still think Emily's first word will be an inappropriate four letter one!
Aside from being madly in love with my little girl, life's been hectic! I was used to doing whatever I wanted to do when I wanted and now I've got this thing attached to me 24/7. I don't get to shower or brush my teeth or do dishes or laundry or clean the house unless she's good and ready to be put down for an extended amount of time. I'm working from home and everything I need to do takes me 3 times longer than before. I had to get W2's done this week and had to do so with one hand while my other held a screaming or sleeping baby. And it does get to me at times, having a baby all day long is exhausting. I know people (ie James) think that my job is easy but there is no 8 hour shift and weekends off. There's no lunch breaks. I'm constantly doing something "Mom" related, which is a job. A damn hard one at that!!
Honestly, I don't know how families do it and I understand the divorce rate now. James works at a very high stress job all the way in San Francisco. He gets home after an hour commute and cooks dinner for the two older kids. Then he does showers and teeth and keeps them entertained since I'm on permanent baby duty. Then he does lunches and gets them in bed. How could I possibly ask him to do any more?? Yet, when he gets home, it's almost like I'm jealous that he got to socialize and get out of the house all day and I just need a break from Emily more than anything in the world. I stay up with her every night. I make sure not to wake anyone in the house if she's crying. It's exhausting! Everyone seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep and going about their routines as normal and I'm in this twilight zone of diapers, bottles and sleeping in 2 hour intervals. It can make someone crazy!! And I understand now how new moms can feel isolated and depressed. At the same time, I keep trying to stay positive. I know this hard time will pass by way too quickly and I'll miss it. I'll miss her being so dependent on me and I'll miss her staring into my eyes all day and night. #newmomproblems
I had this vision that my family would see my little girl and fall so madly in love with her that they would never leave her and we would be closer than ever. I pictured my Mom moving back to California right away and my sister moving back too. So far, that hasn't been the case and I understand. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean everyone's world stops, just mine. And realistically, what could I possibly ask of them? I can't ask or expect people to move states away for a baby that's not theirs! Luckily I have wonderful friends and inlaws (yes I consider them my inlaws even though the probability of James and I ever getting married is a 10 out of 100) to help keep me sane and give me breaks when needed. Having a baby is hard! Why anyone has more than one of them is beyond me. I could not imagine doing this if my step kids were still in diapers or were too young to keep themselves entertained unsupervised. I thought motherhood might give me super human strengths to do all the hard stuff Moms of multiple kids have, but I'm pretty bad at it still. The kids are lucky they get fed every morning and get lunches for school. I'm pretty incapable of being a "super mom".
And FYI, the only reason why I'm even able to write this blog is because my beautiful angel is sleeping in her car seat!
So to let you know a little bit of what Emily is doing at 4 weeks old....she's definitely over 9 pounds now but still fits perfectly in all her newborn clothes. I give her baths every other day and she LOVES them. She loves sitting in the warm water and when I pour water over her she smiles. And tries to drink it! She'll smile sometimes but it's always super quick and most of the time it's when she's sleeping. Plus, it's hard to tell if she's really smiling or just gassy. Speaking of gas, this girl is full of it!! You'd think she was made of pee and fart! So far I've only had one "full" poopy diaper and I actually had to cut her onesie off of her with scissors because it was filled with poop and I didn't know how else to get it off without getting poop everywhere! We sleep together every night. I used to be stuck on the couch but now we sleep in bed with James until she wakes up for the first time to be changed and fed, then I'll move into her room and sleep with her in the guest bed. She loves to snuggle with me while sleeping and can somehow sense if I get up and immediately wakes up and starts crying. I am definitely worried about when I move her to her crib to sleep and I know it's probably not the best idea to be sleeping with her but I love it! I love every second of it. I love watching her sleep on her side, hearing the little noises she makes, making eye contact with her when she opens her eyes. She is so so beautiful and I thoroughly enjoy all the mistakes I'm making already :)
For some reason my computer won't upload the pics I want to post of my little love muffin so hopefully my next blog I can show them. And hopefully I can blog again before 3 weeks from now!!
Love, Diana :)
I think I may be suffering from some postpartum but nothing too bad. I do tend to cry a lot and am feeling very strange and overwhelmed and vulnerable BUT I'm also the happiest I've ever been in my life. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine or express and I already can't imagine life without her. There's an episode of Family Guy (my favorite show!) where Brian finds out he has a teenage son and all of a sudden news stories of people being hurt/killed or planes crashing, etc. affect him completely different. He says "Oh my God, I can't imagine!" "If my son was on that plane..." and "Until you have a child, you don't know" Me and James still laugh about that episode and mimic it and now it's exactly how I feel. Everything I see, read or hear affects me in a completely different way. I do put myself and my daughter in those situations and freak out at the thought of something bad happening. I can honestly say that if something happened to Emily, I would die. I would literally die. And if not from sadness than by jumping off a bridge. I could not imagine spending one day without her.
As I'm writing this and feeling this, all I can think is "What the hell happened to me??" I never thought I'd fall so hard for this little girl who made me miserable for 9 months. I never thought that cuddling with her would be more important to me than my free time or going out and partying. I've become such a lame ass! Luckily, I haven't lost my potty mouth :) I still think Emily's first word will be an inappropriate four letter one!
Aside from being madly in love with my little girl, life's been hectic! I was used to doing whatever I wanted to do when I wanted and now I've got this thing attached to me 24/7. I don't get to shower or brush my teeth or do dishes or laundry or clean the house unless she's good and ready to be put down for an extended amount of time. I'm working from home and everything I need to do takes me 3 times longer than before. I had to get W2's done this week and had to do so with one hand while my other held a screaming or sleeping baby. And it does get to me at times, having a baby all day long is exhausting. I know people (ie James) think that my job is easy but there is no 8 hour shift and weekends off. There's no lunch breaks. I'm constantly doing something "Mom" related, which is a job. A damn hard one at that!!
Honestly, I don't know how families do it and I understand the divorce rate now. James works at a very high stress job all the way in San Francisco. He gets home after an hour commute and cooks dinner for the two older kids. Then he does showers and teeth and keeps them entertained since I'm on permanent baby duty. Then he does lunches and gets them in bed. How could I possibly ask him to do any more?? Yet, when he gets home, it's almost like I'm jealous that he got to socialize and get out of the house all day and I just need a break from Emily more than anything in the world. I stay up with her every night. I make sure not to wake anyone in the house if she's crying. It's exhausting! Everyone seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep and going about their routines as normal and I'm in this twilight zone of diapers, bottles and sleeping in 2 hour intervals. It can make someone crazy!! And I understand now how new moms can feel isolated and depressed. At the same time, I keep trying to stay positive. I know this hard time will pass by way too quickly and I'll miss it. I'll miss her being so dependent on me and I'll miss her staring into my eyes all day and night. #newmomproblems
I had this vision that my family would see my little girl and fall so madly in love with her that they would never leave her and we would be closer than ever. I pictured my Mom moving back to California right away and my sister moving back too. So far, that hasn't been the case and I understand. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean everyone's world stops, just mine. And realistically, what could I possibly ask of them? I can't ask or expect people to move states away for a baby that's not theirs! Luckily I have wonderful friends and inlaws (yes I consider them my inlaws even though the probability of James and I ever getting married is a 10 out of 100) to help keep me sane and give me breaks when needed. Having a baby is hard! Why anyone has more than one of them is beyond me. I could not imagine doing this if my step kids were still in diapers or were too young to keep themselves entertained unsupervised. I thought motherhood might give me super human strengths to do all the hard stuff Moms of multiple kids have, but I'm pretty bad at it still. The kids are lucky they get fed every morning and get lunches for school. I'm pretty incapable of being a "super mom".
And FYI, the only reason why I'm even able to write this blog is because my beautiful angel is sleeping in her car seat!
So to let you know a little bit of what Emily is doing at 4 weeks old....she's definitely over 9 pounds now but still fits perfectly in all her newborn clothes. I give her baths every other day and she LOVES them. She loves sitting in the warm water and when I pour water over her she smiles. And tries to drink it! She'll smile sometimes but it's always super quick and most of the time it's when she's sleeping. Plus, it's hard to tell if she's really smiling or just gassy. Speaking of gas, this girl is full of it!! You'd think she was made of pee and fart! So far I've only had one "full" poopy diaper and I actually had to cut her onesie off of her with scissors because it was filled with poop and I didn't know how else to get it off without getting poop everywhere! We sleep together every night. I used to be stuck on the couch but now we sleep in bed with James until she wakes up for the first time to be changed and fed, then I'll move into her room and sleep with her in the guest bed. She loves to snuggle with me while sleeping and can somehow sense if I get up and immediately wakes up and starts crying. I am definitely worried about when I move her to her crib to sleep and I know it's probably not the best idea to be sleeping with her but I love it! I love every second of it. I love watching her sleep on her side, hearing the little noises she makes, making eye contact with her when she opens her eyes. She is so so beautiful and I thoroughly enjoy all the mistakes I'm making already :)
For some reason my computer won't upload the pics I want to post of my little love muffin so hopefully my next blog I can show them. And hopefully I can blog again before 3 weeks from now!!
Love, Diana :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Week 1.....Baby Blues
I had read about the baby blues the first two weeks after giving birth but the first couple of days I was running on pure adrenaline and happiness that quickly faded into irritation and hopelessness. I cry all the time. I'm not sure why or what I'm crying about but tears seem to be flowing like crazy. I keep telling myself that it's only day 10 since I gave birth and Emily got here and that it's okay to feel this way, but I still have a lot of guilt. Maybe it's cabin fever or lack of sleep too. Don't get me wrong, I'm madly in love with Emily and am able to enjoy my time with her, I just feel weird. Very sad and tired, even if I get plenty of sleep. When she cries I get easily irritated because I don't know what she wants or needs. It's still hard for me to see her so calm with her Dad and have her not be that way with me.
Other than my issues, having a baby has been awesome!! She is already the most important thing in my life and I can't remember what life was like before she got here. I feel extremely overprotective of her and have almost an animal instinct that if someone gets too close, I have to attack! She seems to be growing really quickly. She eats almost twice as much as she should be at her age but she cries and is definitely hungry so I feed her. She sleeps most of the day and is up hysterically crying at night. The first few days were impossible because everyone was coming by the house so much that I couldn't sleep while she slept. It's nice now that the traffic has died down and I can have some quiet bonding time with her. Not to mention I'm not exactly the happiest or most alert person to be around.
Today her umbilical cord fell off. I found it in her diaper and kept it for Daddy to see but it's pretty nasty looking. I don't know if it's really worth it to keep that thing or not. I gave her her 3rd sponge bath and she is so good while I do it!! She always pees though.....
I can't tell if she's smiling yet or not. She makes a lot of faces but I always assume they are gas related. She's really strong too. She always tries to hold her head up and she swings her arms around all the time! She's gotten me in the face a couple of times and even swung my glasses off! She's not much for being swaddled, which is fine with me because I can't figure out how to swaddle good anyways.
I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed. We tried a couple of times once home from the hospital and my milk came in but she was not having it and neither was I! I'm happy for the people that can do it, but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. The downside of course is lots of leaking and painful swollen breasts. They look good though! It was a free temporary boob job! haha
The kids have been spending most of their time with their Mom who left today. They've spent a couple of nights at home since the baby got here but haven't really had to experience nights of lying awake to a screaming baby. I hope it's not too traumatizing for them. I think it's going to be much more traumatizing for me to have to figure out how to juggle school, homework and a newborn. If it weren't for Emily, I would have already gone back to work by now! James is working from home this week and next week and it's so nice to have him here to help on breaks and lunch hours. I'm dreading having to do this on my own.
Again, I feel like I have so much more to write about but I'm too tired and preoccupied to write anything else. Let's just say I'm in love with my new daughter and at this point in time, nothing else matters but her.
Love, Diana :)
Other than my issues, having a baby has been awesome!! She is already the most important thing in my life and I can't remember what life was like before she got here. I feel extremely overprotective of her and have almost an animal instinct that if someone gets too close, I have to attack! She seems to be growing really quickly. She eats almost twice as much as she should be at her age but she cries and is definitely hungry so I feed her. She sleeps most of the day and is up hysterically crying at night. The first few days were impossible because everyone was coming by the house so much that I couldn't sleep while she slept. It's nice now that the traffic has died down and I can have some quiet bonding time with her. Not to mention I'm not exactly the happiest or most alert person to be around.
Today her umbilical cord fell off. I found it in her diaper and kept it for Daddy to see but it's pretty nasty looking. I don't know if it's really worth it to keep that thing or not. I gave her her 3rd sponge bath and she is so good while I do it!! She always pees though.....
I can't tell if she's smiling yet or not. She makes a lot of faces but I always assume they are gas related. She's really strong too. She always tries to hold her head up and she swings her arms around all the time! She's gotten me in the face a couple of times and even swung my glasses off! She's not much for being swaddled, which is fine with me because I can't figure out how to swaddle good anyways.
I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to breastfeed. We tried a couple of times once home from the hospital and my milk came in but she was not having it and neither was I! I'm happy for the people that can do it, but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. The downside of course is lots of leaking and painful swollen breasts. They look good though! It was a free temporary boob job! haha
The kids have been spending most of their time with their Mom who left today. They've spent a couple of nights at home since the baby got here but haven't really had to experience nights of lying awake to a screaming baby. I hope it's not too traumatizing for them. I think it's going to be much more traumatizing for me to have to figure out how to juggle school, homework and a newborn. If it weren't for Emily, I would have already gone back to work by now! James is working from home this week and next week and it's so nice to have him here to help on breaks and lunch hours. I'm dreading having to do this on my own.
Again, I feel like I have so much more to write about but I'm too tired and preoccupied to write anything else. Let's just say I'm in love with my new daughter and at this point in time, nothing else matters but her.
Love, Diana :)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Week 40....BABY IS HERE!!!
Wow, wow and wow!!! So much to report and I don't even know if I have the time or energy but I'll try to get everything out in 1 post.
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Okay, there's so much more I want to say but it took me 4 hours just to write this much so I'm sure next week's blog will be just as long (or longer) and I'm sure I'll keep doing this because being a Mother is sure to be an adventure like one I've never experienced and I'm sure I'll have lots of more tears (happy and sad) and more whining to do. Let's face it, I'm still Diana! Here's a picture of my beautiful new love, Emily Ann DeLucia :)
Love, Diana
It started when my sister came into town on Friday the 17th. She said "I'm not here to chit chat, I wanna meet my niece, let's get her out!" So Saturday night we went to Skipolini's in Walnut Creek for their famous preggo pizza. I had been feeling really anxious and weird all day but I ate a couple of slices and went to bed. I talked about all the things I wanted to get done before the baby got here thinking I had plenty of time because I didn't think she would come on her own. I was dead set that I would have to be induced. Forward to about 2am and I started waking up with mild pain (probably contractions) but at the time I just thought it was gas. I fell back asleep and awoke from my cat meowing in my face at 4am and immediately as I was waking up I felt my water break. Well, for a minute I thought I had pee'd in my pants so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom but I kept leaking and leaking and quickly realized that my water had broken. I wasn't having any contractions at that time and since the water just kept on coming, I waited in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before finally getting up and waking James. He jumped out of bed and my sister who was staying the night woke up to us moving around and talking and came in to check and we told her it was time.
First things first, I had to take a quick shower to shave my legs. I wasn't about to give birth without doing that first! We took our time, everyone showered and dressed and got ready. My mom met us at our house and we all went to the hospital at about 5:30am. Of course, we made a pit stop at Starbucks :) It was hours before the contractions were bad enough for me to start moaning and groaning in pain but once they started to get bad, it felt like mere minutes before I was in excruciating pain. Of course there was a lot of people in the room which made me feel a little uncomfortable but soon the pain was too bad for me to care who or what else was going on. At one point everyone left to get food and take breaks and my Mom and step Mom stayed behind to help me through the contractions. I could not have done it without them!! I decided to get the epidural once I reached 4 cm and it was about 4 or 5pm in the evening. Once I asked for it, it took a while to get and the pain at that point was just unbearable!! But I was getting through it. I was breathing and closing my eyes and trying to focus on the fact that I was doing this. I didn't die like I felt like I would. I wasn't having panic attacks like I was worried about for the last 9 months. I was just getting through minute to minute.
After the epidural I don't remember much but feeling like only minutes went by before I was dilated 7 cm. I texted James to come back in the room at that point and then it was hazy until I was told I was at 9 cm and it was time to get ready to push. I was pretty terrified at this point and I may have cried for a minute or two saying I didn't want to push and that I wasn't ready for her to get here yet, but I knew I had no choice. Being completely numb I wasn't sure how to push or what it would feel like. The nurses came in with stirrups and I had my sister, my mom, James and James' mom in the room with me. At this point, I didn't want to see anything going on. I kept my eyes closed, focused on what the nurse was telling me to do and just thought, again, about how I was actually doing this. I was going to give birth to a baby one way or another and there was no turning back time now. After an hour of pushing I was starting to get really really tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. There was no way my body was going to let me push one more time. But miraculously the nurse told me to push, my sister held one leg and James held the other and everyone just kept cheering me on telling me I was doing it and she was coming. That was my motivation, hearing people tell me that I was doing it right because she was coming. Another hour went by and lots of tears and me feeling like giving up before one final push and I heard "she's here, she's here!" They laid her on my chest for a few seconds before taking her and cleaning her up. All I could do was cry and cry. My baby was here and I got her here and the relief I felt was just indescribable. I still cry just thinking about it today. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am really really proud of myself. I've spent so much time agonizing over what that day would be like and it ended up being the easiest part of the pregnancy! Well...until the epidural wore off :) But I had this beautiful baby girl in front of me. I finally got to see what Emily looked like and her cute little nose, chin and hair. She did have a good amount of hair but nothing like what I was expecting after all the heart burn.
The minute she came into this world, my anxiety and uncomfortableness vanished. She has quickly become the most important thing in my life and I am so in love with her. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was born at 7:52pm on Sunday, the 18th to the worlds luckiest parents. I'm so so madly in love with James. He is such a great father and she already adores him. I feel closer to him than I ever have and now that she's here, I know I picked the best Dad in the world to have a baby with.
Of course there's a little anxiety on my part. Being a new mom is more nerve wracking than when Joli and Jamesy came into my life. They were able to use words to let me know what they were and weren't comfortable with and with Emily it's a whole new ballgame. I cry when she cries because I feel bad that I'm not making her happy. I'm having a lot of guilt about not breast feeding but unfortunately it just didn't work for me. It was hard at first to see how calm she could be with her Daddy and not with me. But everyday I'm adjusting more and more and becoming comfortable with her and with my mothering skills. I love feeding time because she'll just stare into my eyes. I love falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. I love changing her little diapers (I'm sure that will change quickly!) and I even love her cry.
Love, Diana
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